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"Kon'nichiwa, watashi no namae wa" - Common App Essay



Jenelizjp 3 / 8  
Dec 17, 2010   #1
This is my essay for the common app, any feedback/comments/corrections would be wonderful and I would love to edit your essay in return :)

A few days into my family trip to England last summer, I found myself sitting in yet another cozy pub, pouring over menu options of mashed potatoes and shepherd's pie. We were staying in Chipping Campden, a tiny town at the heart of the Cotswolds. The main street, really the only street, was lined with golden limestone buildings and shone with quintessential English beauty, and most of the people we'd met were visiting from other parts of the country. Understandably, I was shocked when I was distracted from the menu by my father's choppy Japanese, introducing himself to the Japanese women at the table next to ours.

"Kon'nichiwa, watashi no namae wa Daviddesu."
They looked confused for a moment, and then thrilled at having been addressed in their native language by a seemingly ordinary tourist. My dad explained, with the hand gestures he had acquired alongside the language and the stuttering hesitation that comes with rarely speaking it, that our family had lived in Japan for three years, from 1999 to 2002. The women and my father talked to the extent his rusty vocabulary could handle, and I was secretly ecstatic when I demonstrated my ability to count to twenty, the only part of the language I've managed to hold onto. Their bill came and they finished their coffee, so my father said goodbye and the rest of us waved. The women waved back, giggling and smiling enormously and left the restaurant, waving through the window three of four times for good measure.

We stayed in England for three weeks; we toured castles and gardens, took pictures in red telephone boxes and saw Stonehenge. But my dad's eyes never lit up at those tourist attractions the way they did when we met those women, and our conversation is the most vivid memory I have of the trip. When we moved to Japan, I was only six and understood little of what the move meant. I could never have grasped that this was an amazing opportunity I was being provided: the chance to see the world from outside my comfort zone, to leave the traditional suburban routine and experience the vibrancy and mystery of a different culture.

My father's ability to turn around in the middle of an ordinary dinner and instantly make a connection with someone from across the world makes me realize that so much of myself, from my curiosity to my ability to laugh at myself, stems from those years in Japan. Looking back at my time in Tokyo, I remember little of my first grade vocabulary lessons or learning my multiplication tables. This ordinary schoolwork taught me nothing in comparison with the people and culture in which I was immersed. My best friends were girls from Taiwan, Germany, Nigeria, Utah and Hong Kong, and taught me the beliefs of every religion and the customs of every culture imaginable. We were incredibly different, but there we sat, classmates and friends, wearing the same green kilt, while our backgrounds became the information we shared to introduce ourselves, explain our opinions and learn from one another.

As a senior student today, I can fully attribute my curiosity and personal initiative to satisfy it to my childhood in an international community. Everything and everyone was full of information about which I was ignorant, and once I started learning from these unique sources of knowledge, my drive to answer every question that explodes in my mind became unstoppable. In university, I want to find myself answering these questions through my academics, but also with the opinions and knowledge of my classmates, who I will meet by turning around, like my father did, and asking, "what do you think?"

sarah077 1 / 4  
Dec 18, 2010   #2
It's just leaving me with an ok feeling. I feel like you focused more on your dad than yourself. You want colleges to admit you, not your dad! I think there are certain aspects you can pull from it and make it more into an essay about you- there is a lot of potential in it, keep working at it!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Dec 28, 2010   #3
Hey, this really shows excellent writing ability and thoughtful reflection... but Sarah made a comment that I think is similar to what I have in mind. I think you went on too long about the story, and I think the story actually is ... um, I don't know what I am trying to say. I think you probably had a profound insight because of that experience when your Dad spoke to those people, but that insight is not really conveyed here. The Japanese phrase he spoke is very common, the kind of simple Japanese you might learn before a trip to Japan. I think the story should be condensed so that you have room to really explain why it was meaningful to you and what it has to do with your intentions for the future.

We are lucky to have your participation here at EssayForum! You are a great writer. I just think this essay needs to get a little more specific about your intentions and about the theme you are using.

:-)
diboy2 6 / 19  
Dec 28, 2010   #4
I also agree with sarah. It just gave me a "meh" feeling. Something did catch my attention, however. When you talked about ur different friend's cultures, I felt like I wanted to know in detail what you learned from them.
aona105 7 / 38  
Dec 28, 2010   #5
Your essay is nice!
I think it's kind of easy to understand, I could imagine the situations:)

But as others say, I think you can write more specifically about yourself,,,, then it would be much better ! if I were you, I would make the last paragraph a little bit longer.

Maybe you can talk about what kind of experience you want to get from the life at the college, or how you are going to contribute the college's community... I mean, specifically.

but indeed, it's much much better essay than mine!

By the way, I am a Japanese girl! Hajimemashite :)
OP Jenelizjp 3 / 8  
Dec 28, 2010   #6
Thanks everyone! I took your advice and edited the essay to focus more on me (my dad even edited my Japanese!). Here's the result, let me know what you think :)

A few days into my family trip to England last summer, I found myself sitting in yet another cozy pub, pouring over menu options of fish and shepherd's pie. We were staying in Chipping Campden, a tiny town lined with golden limestone buildings and shining with quintessential English beauty. Not surprisingly, I was shocked when I was distracted from the menu by my father's choppy Japanese, introducing himself to the Japanese women at the table next to ours.

"Shitsurei shimasu, watashi no namae wa Daviddesu."
They looked confused for a moment, and then thrilled at having been addressed in their native language by a fellow tourist. My dad explained, with the stuttering hesitation that comes with rarely speaking a language, that our family had lived in Japan for three years, from 1999 to 2002. The women and my father talked to the extent his rusty vocabulary could handle, then their bill came and they finished their coffee, so my father said goodbye and the rest of us waved. The women waved back, giggling and smiling enormously.

We stayed in England for three weeks; we toured castles, took pictures in red telephone boxes and saw Stonehenge, but our conversation with those women is the most vivid memory I have of the trip. When we moved to Japan, I was only six and understood little of what the move meant or the impact it would have on my life, so evident in my immediate connection to these women. I could never have grasped that it was an amazing opportunity - a chance to see the world from outside my comfort zone.

My father's ability to turn around in the middle of an ordinary dinner and instantly make a connection with someone from across the world makes me realize that so much of myself, from my curiosity to my open mind, stems from those years in Japan. Looking back at my time in Tokyo, I realize my ordinary schoolwork taught me nothing in comparison with the people I encountered every day. My best friends were girls from Taiwan, Italy, Sweden and Yokohama, and they taught me the beliefs of every religion and the customs of every region imaginable, from homemade gnocchi pasta to the traditional Chinese New Year; every March third, I remember Girls' Day and the star-shaped candy we would all enjoyed on the playground. We were all incredibly different, but there we sat, classmates and friends, wearing the same green kilts, while our backgrounds became the information we shared to introduce ourselves, explain our opinions and learn from one another.

As a senior student today, I know my unique view of the world is hugely due to my childhood in an international community. Everything and everyone was full of information about which I was ignorant, and once I started learning from these unique sources of knowledge, my eyes were opened to the world as a whole. Every event that I hear about in some far away land is personally connected to me by the people I know there, or the things I know about that country. In university, I want to find myself in the same position as my third grade class, where I was sitting beside people from every corner of the world, and the most exciting part of our education was the opinions and backgrounds we shared with each other.
aona105 7 / 38  
Dec 28, 2010   #7
It's much better now though the first one was not bad at all !!
It's clear and shaped, and well explained, so that I think I know more about you than just before.
Some added scene gave me vivid images.
That'll work to admissions, too, I guess.

About your dad's check, it's just my personal opinion but I think "Konnichiwa" is more natural than "Shitsureishimasu" in that situation... well, but there's no big difference and it doesn't hurt at all, and it's just my thought :)


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