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"a last memory with my great-grandma" - Personal Statemet--Input?



kaymm 1 / -  
Sep 22, 2009   #1
One summer morning, I wake up to a lady bug landing on my arm. Brushing it off, I remember that I am at my great-grandma Lillian's house as I slip my feet onto the creaky floor boards. I glance out the window at the barn down the gravel path and hasten happily down the steps into a tiny kitchen. I bump into the rocking chair as I land at the base of the steps directly onto the shiny, linoleum floor and see my family sitting around a tiny half table at the kitchen window and another person working at the stove. It is my great-grandma Lillian, working on her delicious homemade pancakes, but she looks much tinier than she ever had before-much thinner. I knew she was sick, but it was harder than I imagined seeing her this way.

A few months later, I bump into my dad in the hallways of my house, his eyes red and rimmed with tears. He tells me his grandmother is dying and asks if I would like to come along to the hospital to see her one last time. Surprised, frightened and naïve, I shake my head no and whisper that I already have plans to go to the dance at the school this weekend. Little did I know at the time, but this would be the one sentence I would truly regret uttering for years to come. He would return at the end of the weekend sad. He would tell me that she would not last much longer and that she had wished to see me, though she did not remember my name at first. A week or so later at her funeral, I would cry tears not only for Lillian, but for myself and the choice that I made.

When I look back on the choice I made that fall day, I realize that I let fear hold me back from something that I truly wanted-a last memory with my great-grandma. I can acknowledge that yes, I was younger, but this weight on my conscience has helped me to learn on lesson I will carry with me throughout life: you cannot expect life to wait on you while you find the courage to go on, rather, you must face the things that frighten you most in order to succeed. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "You must do the thing you think you cannot do." This famous first lady's words still resonate true for me-I will not let failure or the fear of people's rejection stop me from achieving all that I can and doing all that I can to change the world.

I'm planning on using this personal statement for all applications--a list that includes everything from Brown and MIT to Pitt. I'm worried it sounds like I'm trying to sympathy too much, but I really put my heart into this writing, and I wanted any feedback on how I could improve it, this is still a rough copy.

tkkt1 11 / 47  
Sep 22, 2009   #2
This is a touching story but it doesn't really tell me much about you as a student. Its a little shorter than the usual personal statements, but if you can get your point across in few words then that is good too. You can improve this essay by elaborating on the sense of fear that you felt. Good luck!
stern22 1 / 6  
Sep 22, 2009   #3
your essay is definitely very touching. and although you dont necessarily talk about you as a person that much, through showing what you have learned from a past experience you have shown how you have grown as a person. perhaps elaborate on how you plan to instill what you have learned( to conquer/face your fear) in your future. you kind of start with it when you said "I will not let failure or the fear of people's rejection stop me from achieving all that I can and doing all that I can to change the world." Just elaborate more on that point.

also, great topic!

wish you the best of luck!


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