Briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences.(150)
Left leg first, imagine your right leg on an "S", start from the tail, draw the symbol and push yourself. Left leg and an 'S' with your right.
Still in pain from the last night bruises, I put my legs on the cold metal plates, in the early winter morning, and moved ahead. Not to fall, but glide against the striking winds. Yes, I could finally skate! I started skating from my first grade when I noticed two mysterious shoes with wheels, hanging in a store. After continuous spills and toppling over for weeks, I learned the sport all by myself. I don't know how this 'S' method came into being, but I'm proud that I designed my style. Friends say it's not the correct method. But who cares? Until I beat them in races. Until it makes me feel like a bird.
This elaboration of an extra curricular activity is alright but does not show anything about the personality or usable skill that you developed during this time. The prompt is asking you to share a skill with them that taught you something about life or improved you as a person. There is nothing of that sort in the essay. Instead, you come across as self-centered and unable to take advice from other people. Which is a character that is not ideal in a future student. You need to share an activity that share a sense of you as a collaborative person, a team player, a person who knows how to take constructive criticism and use it to her benefit. Either change the activity to one that shows off one or all of those traits or talk about a volunteer activity you engage in instead.
I completely understand your advice, but since I had no one to coach, I had to learn it myself. Is there any way I can present this essay in a positive manner? or should I change the activity?
There are two ways that we can approach this essay. One way, is to spin the activity into something positive by saying that you had no coach to teach you the rudiments of ice skating. Don't call it figure skating because your only aim here is to skate on the ice without falling on your tush :-) Explain that you are extremely proud of the way you learned how to do this activity because you were self taught. Although the professionals and your friends who had proper coaching laugh at you when they see your obviously self learned skating style, you hold your head high just the same because you consider what you did to be a personal accomplishment. This is the essence of the first part of your essay, the negative part is this portion:
Friends say it's not the correct method. But who cares? Until I beat them in races. Until it makes me feel like a bird.
Try to reword that instead into something positive about learning something new about yourself through this activity. Something like you learned that discovery is the best way to learn things and experience truly teaches you things that you would not have learned if you had formal coaching. The other way to approach the essay would be to try another activity instead.
thanks, that was really helpful...:)...I will come up both the options and choose the one that fits perfectly.
There are two versions...have a look.
Version 1
Left leg first, imagine your right leg on an "S", start from the tail, draw the symbol and push yourself. Left leg and an 'S' with your right.
Still in pain from the last night bruises, I put my legs on the cold metal plates and moved ahead. Not to fall, but glide against the striking winds. Yes, I could finally ice skate! I started skating from my first grade when I noticed two mysterious shoes with wheels, hanging in a store. Having no one to coach me, I learned the sport all by myself. Friends laugh at my 'S' method, but I'm proud that I discovered my style through experience and persisted till the end. I learned to evolve myself with time, and the lessons I may not have achieved though professional teaching. It provided me with true confidence to lead my own way and define my uniqueness.
Version 2
With leadership come high responsibilities and I too had my share. I was appointed as the Casting Department head at the Dramatics Club of my high school. The job was obvious, of selecting performers for each plays to be held. At this position some people persuade you, friends give their emotional sad look and even criticism, but my job is to select the ones who are dedicated and not just eager to be famous. Once, I had to choose between a close friend of mine and a senior. The former wanting to be famous and the later passionate about her work. Though, the senior was difficult to work with and adjust to, I had to be wise the select her, which made me understanding to universal opinions and thoughts. Although, that 'close' friend is only a 'friend' now, as I was very rude (according to her), the episode developed my decision making skills and made me more responsible towards my work.
I actually like both essays. Each essay presents a different aspect of your personality that makes for an interesting read. It is actually difficult for me to advice you regarding which version to use as both apply very well to the prompt requirements. The best thing to do in this case is allow you to make the choice regarding which essay to use. One essay shows your resiliency and ability to learn and work unsupervised. Sure your way of doing things may not follow the rules and can be considered unorthodox by some, but the important thing is that you get the job done. In the second one, you showed a sense of responsibility and dedication to your job above your sense of preserving personal relationships. Both are good character traits in a person and either can be beneficial to your application packet. Choose the one that you feel best works for you and use it :-)
I'm confused too! actually I'm trying to present something different which is not listed in my activity section. So, I guess I will go with the first version.
Do you have any grammar/sentence structure suggestions?
See if my edited version works for you. Feel free to use it :-) That is, if you like it.
I stood alone in the middle of the outdoor skating rink, balancing on the thin blade that was attached to a plastic boot. Willing myself not to fall. "Let leg first, imagine your right leg drawing an S, start at the tail, draw the symbol with the blade and push forward." I muttered to myself as I tried to ignore the pain from my bruises earned the day before. Pushing off, I began to glide against the wind. No one was there to coach me. I learned to skate all by myself. Sure my S method had my formally trained friends laughing at me, but I still stood tall and proud at having learned how to skate on my own. My coach and trainer were called by the same name, experience. This was how I evolved as a skate. This was how I learned lessons on the ice that I would not have learned if I had professional coaching. I built my confidence by defining myself in the most unique manner I could think of, on the ice and in my skates.
Can we bring it down to 150 by anyhow? This is perfect, and don't want to omit anything, but the limit is 150.
145 words. Good enough? :- )
I stood alone in the skating rink, balancing on the thin blade attached to a plastic boot. "Let leg first, imagine your right leg drawing an S, start at the tail, draw the symbol with the blade , push forward." I muttered to as I tried to ignore the pain from my bruises earned the day before. No one was there to coach me. I learned to skate all by myself. Sure my S method had my trained friends laughing at me, but I stood tall and proud at having learned to skate on my own. My skill was gained through experience. This was how I learned lessons on the ice that I would not have learned if I had professional coaching. I built my confidence by defining myself in the most unique manner I could think of, on the ice and in my skates.
thanks...:)..Its perfect