'Learning, seeing, understanding more' - Common app essay- why I chose my major

I'm currently working on my personal essay for the Common App and a couple colleges that don't accept it. Two things:

1. General critique and suggestions.
2. The essay is apprx. 500 words, but one of the colleges caps the word count at 300. What can I cut out?

I'm aware I'm in violation of the "show not tell" rule for most of this, but I think a straightforward, expository approach is more my style than some sort of whimsical story that vaguely illustrates my point. I am, however, open to trying it if you think it'd fare better. And yes, I'm going to indent my paragraphs and remove the spaces between them, I just think it's easier to read this way. Here goes:

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Growing up, I always thought I would end up in the arts. Music was my first love: I delighted in the fact that I could express such complex emotions in so few notes, and the way listeners were drawn in by my music. I dedicated virtually all my time to music: practicing, listening, composing, learning music theory and history. By the time I was eleven, I had announced that I would grow up to be a musician and set out to pick the piece that would wow the judges at my college auditions. That's why everyone close to me was so shocked when I decided to pursue a career as a scientist.

To most people, art and science are the distant ends of a spectrum; one spanning from creativity to logic. But I never saw it that way. Art and science may not seem similar in practice, but they involve very similar goals and mindsets. My interest in both is motivated by the same basic desire -- although science is something cataloged and regulated where art is boundless and lawless, they are both investigations into our universe and interpretations of our findings. To put it simply, I am hopelessly infatuated with learning more, seeing more, and understanding more about the world around an inside me.

I first felt this connection in my sophomore chemistry class. To me, chemistry is the most applicable science, and also the most commonly misunderstood. Learning just the basics of chemistry radically changed my view of the world. I loved that I could look at steam coming off my soup or hear the fizz of a pop can and know exactly what was happening. The feeling of understanding even these basic concepts was addicting. Suddenly, I started looking at everything with a How and a What If in my mind: how does a computer screen work? How do chemicals in the air affect the global climate? What if there is a more efficient way to deliver electricity than alternating current? I chose to study cognitive science because once my questions about the world around me were settled, I began to turn my inquisition inward. Why do I care about these things? What makes two people have different opinions? How does my brain determine what is important and what isn't? And why is this lump of cells in my head so fascinated with itself?

Cognitive science not only incorporates creativity and my interests in science, but it allows me to study these impulses and their origins. After I realized that pursuing a different career in no way meant that I would have to give up my lifelong affair with music, I found it hard to choose which of my other interests to pursue. Chemistry, psychology, maybe computer programming? I felt like nothing could possibly link them all, but studying the brain gives me the opportunity to conduct research on anything from artificial intelligence to the biological origins of creativity. As far as I'm concerned, the doors are wide open.

you're in luck, I'm not in the dandiest of moods

- your first sentence is short, weak, and vague (end up in the arts).
- you delighted in the way listeners were drawn in by your music? structurally, after the comma you lost sight of how you began the sentence, manifest in awkward phraseology.

- "By the time I was eleven, I had announced that I would grow up to be a musician and set out to pick the piece that would wow the judges at my college auditions." Right, and who did you announce this to? Are you sure that announce is the right word? Also, how can you "announce" a [process] (growing up to be a musician) which there's no guarantee of?

- the sentence concluding your first paragraph is vulnerable to derision; I'd venture that not only was "everyone" shocked, but you were too. At least that's the way you read (whimsical, or mistake prone in conveying otherwise vigilantly).

So the doubt has crept in and as the foundation of your essay (first paragraph), it will act to subvert your best intentions.

disclaimer: I didn't read your entire essay

If I may, the whole essay in itself failed to catch my interest as a reader. From the first hackneyed line, it was pretty obvious which direction the essay was heading.


^Lines such as those rarely do any good, due to it's exaggerated, unrealistic and cliched nature.


^Radically changed your view of the world? That is a bit extreme, especially considering the example you have used.


^Well, that does depend on the resources, for research, that are made available to you.


^They definitely are. It is strange that you chose to discuss in some level, your interest in Chemistry and Cognitive Science, and then end it as if you are unsure as to what it is you want to study.

Your essay in general is quite weak and quite frankly, boring. There is nothing interesting in it, and there is nothing in this essay that conveys a positive characteristic about you.

I agree with the other posts. I would say that the best thing you could do here is to start from scratch. Write a completely new essay. Try this approach - instead of telling me "I really love music," this time, try to tell me a story about something you did that was related to it.

A good idea would be to get a piece of paper and write down 3-5 things that you've DONE that are related to music or science. Then take each of those things and write a paragraph about them. Take the one that was the most fun to write about, and flesh that out into an essay. When you tell a story, it's so much more interesting. Otherwise, you'll have one of 10,000 essays that all read the same.

No need for a comma here:
...such complex emotions in so few notes and the way...

There is an expression: Experts criticize. Some people, like Mustafa, have deep insight into prose, so it makes them appreciate only very excellent writing. But this essay is not so bad.

It's hard to identify exactly what makes writing "good." You need to create an experience for the reader. In order to do that, use words that will make images arise in the mind. For example, instead of saying "scientist" at the end of that first paragraph, say: physicist working with particle accelerators in search of the "God particle." ... or whatever kind of scientist you want to be.

But give words that evoke feelings and images.

This has an intriguing argument. You are right that most of us think of art and science as opposites, so I am intrigued by your claim that they are similar.

Charge this up with energy words, image words.

Hi Mustafa! Long time, good to see you. :-)

Kevin, good to see you man. Hope you've been well. :)

I guess you need to tell more about how you love music and art and why.
I totally agree with your attidute towards art and science.