First and for most I'd like to thank any and all help. I've been the military for 5 years and creative writing isn't a skill I have used very often. So I need a lot of help.
-Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.-
A man's courage is only known when he faces certain defeat. With five years in the military I have learned defeat; they called it "setting you up for failure." A lot about how you are judged is on how you perform under the pressure of defeat. Some people argue the only way you can experience this is in the military. A close friend of mine has never been in the military, but has learned defeat. He has learned it faced it and continues to strive for positive change. My friend Matt has been arrested, beaten, pepper sprayed, insulted and even sued, but his continued efforts have taught me the true definition of courage.
In the Navy I had it pretty good. I worked hard, but played harder. Money was never an issue; I never went hungry and always knew where I was going to sleep. Life was good. It was Matt who first got me thinking about how I could be better using my time to help the world. In the time I was in the Navy he received a degree, ran for political office twice and continues to lead protests for many different noble causes. His actions have inspired me to make a major change.
I have decided to leave the military. This decision did not come easy. For the first time in a long time life is uncertain. In the military I always knew what I had to do next. Now I don't know where my life will end up, where my next paycheck will come from or even where I'm going to lay my head at night. I do know that I am going to work hard for what I believe and the only way to accomplish my goals is through a college education.
It feels unfinished, and I'm not exactly sure where to go for a conclusion. I'd like to tie it back into how his courage has inspired me to work for a better world.
Ugh... HS was so long ago.
You have a great essay! Nice work, and very descriptive. I wonder if you can be a bit more positive when describing the things that Matt went through> this part is a bit disturbing "My friend Matt has been arrested, beaten, pepper sprayed, insulted and even sued, but his continued efforts have taught me the true definition of courage." It worries me because it makes me think too much about WHY he was in these situations and was he a bad guy who got into a lot of trouble? Make it more positive. Try to write a little more professionally (because you are speaking to admissions officials) and less casual ( like if you just chatting with someone). A good way to wrap things up in your conclusion is to tie in your story of inspiration with your desire to further your education. Speak of your short term and long term goals, what you hope to gain from your education, and explain how a college degree will be a stepping stone on your path to success. Good luck with everything :)
Thank you so much for the help Jenny. I have added a little to it and wrote a conclusion. I am not 100% what you mean by professionally. (less use of I, maybe?) Thanks again for all the help.
Here is draft 2:
A man's courage is only known when he faces certain defeat. With five years in the military I have learned defeat; they called it "setting you up for failure." A lot about how you are judged is on how you perform under the pressure of defeat. Some people argue the only way you can experience this is in the military. A close friend of mine has never been in the military, but has learned defeat. He has learned it faced it and continues to strive for positive change. My friend Matt has been arrested, beaten, pepper sprayed, insulted and even sued, but has yet to give up on his beliefs. He is an equal rights activist and his continued efforts have taught me the true definition of courage.
In the Navy I had it pretty good. I worked hard, but played harder. Money was never an issue; I never went hungry and always knew where I was going to sleep. Life was good. It was Matt who first got me thinking about how I could be better using my time to help the world. In the time I was in the Navy he received a degree, ran for political office twice and continues to lead protests for many different noble causes. His actions have inspired me to make a major change.
I have decided to leave the military. This decision did not come easy. For the first time in a long time life is uncertain. In the military I always knew what I had to do next. Now I don't know where my life will end up, where my next paycheck will come from or even where I'm going to lay my head at night. I do know that I am going to work hard for what I believe and the only way to accomplish my goals is through a college education.
Most of all Matt has taught me that one person can make a difference. My goal is to pursue a degree in physics. I, like Matt, am tired of standing by and waiting for others to solve the world's problems. There are many problems that need answering, but the current and rising energy crisis is of particular importance. If a solution for the world's energy needs could be found then people like my friend Matt could make more progress in helping those far less fortunate.
Thanks again.
Hi there :) I will re-read your new draft and leave some comments.
He has learned, it faced it, and continues to strive for positive change.
He is an equal rights activist and his continued efforts have taught me the true definition of courage.
Great! That is a great addition to the paper, this sentence explains a lot. Nice work.
Life was good. It was Matt who first got me thinking about how I could be better using my time to help the world.
I think you need one more sentence between these two.. to connect the thought of "life was good" and "Matt got me thinking" The connecting sentence could mention how you met Matt perhaps? Just an idea.
For the first time in a long time life is uncertain.
You may want to re-word this sentence.
Now I don't know where my life will end up, where my next paycheck will come from or even where I'm going to lay my head at night.
I like what you are saying here but consider if this shines the best light on your character.
I do know that I am going to work hard for what I believe and the only way to accomplish my goals is through a college education.
Is there a better phrase than "work hard for what I believe" that you can use here?
Most of all, Matt has taught me that one person can make a difference
If a solution for the world's energy needs could be found, then people like my friend Matt and I could make more progress in helping those far less fortunate.people in need.
Nice job with your conclusion :) Your paper is close to perfect. the things I pointed out are very minor and are just some little suggestions. i hope this helps :)
Thanks again Jenny. You really have helped me so much. I did some re-wording and rewriting for some of it. I'm gonna post my final work. I'll be submitting it in the next day or two.
A man's courage is only known when he faces certain defeat. With five years in the military I have learned defeat; they called it "setting you up for failure." A lot about how you are judged is on how you perform under the pressure of defeat. Some people argue the only way you can experience this is in the military. A close friend of mine has never been in the military, but has learned defeat. He has learned it, faced it, and continues to strive for positive change. My friend Matt has been arrested, beaten, pepper sprayed, insulted, and even sued. However, he has yet to give up on his beliefs. He is an equal rights activist and his continued efforts have taught me the true meaning of courage.
In the Navy I had it pretty good. I worked hard, but played harder. Money was never an issue; I never went hungry and always knew where I was going to sleep. Life was good. I was home on leave when I ran into Matt for the first time in years. It was Matt who first got me thinking about how I could be better using my time to change the world. In the time I was in the Navy he received a degree, ran for political office twice, and continues to lead protests for many different noble causes. His actions have inspired me to make a major change.
I have decided to leave the military. This decision did not come easy. It was hard to go from fixed life style to such an uncertain one. In the military I always knew what I had to do next. Now I don't know where my life will end up, where my next paycheck will come from, or even where I'm going to lay my head at night. I do know that I am not going to give up on my goals and the only way to accomplish them is through a college education.
Most of all Matt has taught me that one person can make a difference. My goal is to pursue a degree in physics. I, like Matt, am tired of standing by and waiting for others to solve the world's problems. There are many problems that need answering, but the current and rising energy crisis is of particular importance. If a solution for the world's energy needs could be found then my friend Matt and I could make more progress in helping people in need.
Thank you so so so so much for you help.