My application is due Dec.1 so any feedback and corrections is extremely helpful !
B. Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.
-a character-defining moment,
-the cultural awareness you've developed,
-a challenge faced,
-a personal hardship or barrier overcome.
"Gordon." That's what everyone called him. A six-four, African-American teacher who preaches and practices social justice at one of the most diverse high school's in the state of Washington. For me, not only was he my AP Junior English Teacher and ASB Leadership Advisor, but he was my friend and inspiration. He entered my life when I was a junior at the age of 16 and I have never been more thankful as he has positively affected my life by helping me overcome my past challenges I have faced growing up.
I am a single child who lived with a single mother who faced three divorces and worked all-day just to support me, which led me to have a poor relationship with my own mother. My mother worked for long hours and when I was so young, so she entrusted me to a baby-sitter to practically who "raise" me. But this baby-sitter molested me multiple times for years, and out of fear of the threats he gave me, I could not tell my mother as I would imagine his horrifying smile every time I even thought of telling her. Instead, I constantly nagged at her saying I was old enough to take care of myself. She relented and let me stay home by myself. But the area I lived in was not the greatest, as it consisted of gangsters and drug dealers. And from the traumatizing experience with the baby-sitter, I felt weak and alone, resorting in me going to them, for the feeling of company and safety, as they were strong and fearless. As I got close with gang members and grew up with them by my side throughout all of middle school and the beginning of my high school experience, I continued to fight and drug deal as they were the only things I felt I knew how to do right. I later realized it was best to leave these people I considered friends behind when I witnessed them molesting a girl, who screamed as I stood there picturing my past experience through her eyes.
As I left the gang, my life didn't become all "peachy-clean" as I was in a relationship where I got picked on every day because my girlfriend was younger than me and she was unfaithful which hurt me tremendously. I didn't have the confidence to leave as my feelings for her were too strong and believed I needed her in my life. These events subsequently led to my relationship with Gordon. Some very few people knew of my situation, and told Gordon. As Gordon one day talked to me about my situation, what I had expected to be a quick and meaningless conversation became a long and meaningful one. And in the process I gained something very beneficial, hope. This hope that I got from Gordon, by simply being there for me and listening, changed my entire outlook on life. He made me realize that just because I go through struggles, doesn't make me any less worthy as anyone else, and that no matter what, I am still a human being.
Realizing my true capabilities, I am determined to go to a great university and create my bright future ahead of me. I will bring to your University a student not measured by his transcript, but by his character. I will bring a student who will stand up not only for myself but for others in the upmost respectful manner. I will bring someone who is honest, determined, and believes in social justice. I will bring you me, a refurbished me, one who follows in the footsteps of Gordon, and who will be a Gordon figure in the many lives around me.
Loved this essay very much. I like how you told your story because as I was reading it, it played throughout my mind like a move. You painted a vivid, but clear picture that I really liked. I did not find a lot of grammatical errors, but maybe a few things stylistically.
A six-four, African-American teacher who preaches and practices social justice at one of the most diverse high school's in the state of Washington
Perhaps:
At six-four, he is an African-American teacher who preaches and practices social justice at one of the most diverse high school's in the state of Washington.I will bring you me, a refurbished me, one who follows in the footsteps of Gordon, and who will be a Gordon figure in the many lives around me.
Perhaps:
I will bring you me, a refined me, one who follows...around me.Good luck with your college endeavors! I found it to be a very engaging story and it is strong as well. Once again, good luck!
