I left my home country Venezuela when I was 10 and came to Illinois, United States

As a person I am privilege to spend the first 17 years of my life learning and interacting with multi-cultural environments. Rather than noticing my potential I saw myself as an outcast of society, never truly fitting in any of them, individuals judging me for been different but never did they or I truly notice full potential of my fortunate life.

I left my home country Venezuela when I was 10 and came to Illinois, United States in hopes I would have a better education as well as a better life. I attended American school where I experience for the first time the melting pot. With time I was Speaking English in school Spanish at home and span/English outdoors. This interaction with languages and culture often lead me to think that as I learning a new culture an old one would eventually diminish

Blending to my new culture was a difficult task. Struggle every day was shown in school as well as home; eventually communicating came to be from something unorthodox to an everyday situation. Every now and then I would

After many years every time I go to Venezuela I see my old friends, going to school with the typical Venezuelan uniform, talking Spanish in the plaza. Margin once again with my native society was difficult and almost impossible. Feeling unfamiliar and to an extreme an outcast,

Since my exposure to diverse culture, I've experienced a significant amount of identical crises. Being Venezuelan and yet feeling more comfortable with a foreign culture and the discomfort of an outcast when I visit Venezuela. Observing only at the optimistic side of so called 'fortunate' society baptized me as a lucky prodigy, who would shine academically. This approached a pronounced burden, which have bound me to push myself to meet their expectations. Having this sense of pressure continuously places me in a logjam in which im not able to give my 100% for the fear of failing myself as well as the others.

However it was not long ago when I found out about how privileged I have been from the start. About two years ago I had the privilege of going to English course in Venezuela and talk about my transition to a new culture as well as knew language. I found myself in a very high alert, concerning myself weather they'll accept me or think of me as a haughty person.

I was shock to see the outcome, people accepted me for who I am. Blind by fear was I that I forgot what I am made of. I told them my story; they were charmed as if they have heard fantasy stories. It was then when I realize how much of a privilege child I was. A stage in my life is about to end and another one soon to begin, I will soon leave Illinois and explore more of what the melting pot has to offer

Okay. To start off, this essay is quite confusing. You seem to be trying to talk about many topics all at once. If you want to talk about your difficulty in assimilating into American culture when you first arrived, then talk about that. Or talk about the difficulty of going back to school in Venezuela after spending years in the United States. You can't discuss both in disconnected sentences. You also have incomplete sentences that do not have any subject at all. I feel that you need to go back an revise the content of this paper. But I would be remiss if I did not point out the areas where you can improve upon the essay. Let me list it down for you with suggestions and comments:


- ... I have been privileged to have spent the first...


- This comment from you does not support your previous sentence. First you said you were privileged, now you are saying that it was a negative experience? Which is it? You cannot be both.


- I left my home country of Venezuela when I was 10... in the hope that I would...


- ... where I experienced the...


- Over time, I began to speak English in school and Spanish and English outdoors.


--- as I learned a new culture, the old one would eventually disappear.


- I struggled to communicate in the correct language everyday in school and at home


- This is an incomplete sentence. What are you trying to say here? Complete it.


- This is a very confused sentence. You cannot say after many years every time I go Venezuela. Those are 2 different sentences with 2 different meanings. Let me try to fix it for you.

- After many years. I began to go home to Venezuela again. I spent some time Venezuelan schools where I saw my old friends, wore the typical school uniform, and spoke Spanish wherever I went. But now I was more American than Venezuelan and I had to come to terms with dealing with a culture that I had already forgotten.


- Another incomplete sentence. You need to complete the thoughts as you write them.


- I believe the essay would flow better if you merged the information in this sentence into your concluding paragraph. That is because you speak of the privilege that you feel at being able to attend American schools among other things.


- It is really possible to merge the sentiments that you felt in the previous paragraph with this one. Concentrating on the talk that you had to give and how your past experiences made you fear giving the speech and then eventually realizing that you had nothing to fear at all. You can explain that having overcome that fear, you are not ready to learn more about your new culture and will accept that it has to blend with your old culture as well.

I did not make any grammar revisions to the last 2 paragraphs because I feel that you need to revise it in order to make the topic and the end result of the paragraph clearer. Instead of 2 more paragraphs, you should have only1 paragraph that successfully transitions its final sentences into a conclusion. I hope my advice helps you. Good luck with your revision :-)

Thank you for the feedback I revise my essay and made my ideas more clear. Can you please have a look at it

As a person I have been privilege to have spent the first 17 years of my life learning and interacting with multi-cultural environments.
I left my home country of Venezuela when I was 10 and came to Illinois, United States in the hopes that I would find a better education as well as a better life. I attended American school where I experienced the melting pot. Over time, I began to speak English and Spanish and English outdoors. As I learn a new culture, the old one would eventually disappear.

One's a year I scroll back to Venezuela, I spent some time in Venezuelan schools where I see my old friends, wore the typical school uniform, and spoke Spanish wherever I went. But now I was more American than Venezuelan and I had to come to terms with dealing with a culture that I had already forgotten.

However it was not long ago when I found out about how privileged I have been from the start. Since my exposure to diverse culture, I've experienced a significant amount of identical crises. Observing only at the optimistic side of so called 'fortunate' society baptized me as a lucky prodigy, who would shine academically. This approached a pronounced burden, which have bound me to push myself to meet their expectations. Being Venezuelan and yet feeling more comfortable with a foreign culture and the discomfort of an outcast when I visit my home country. Having this sense of pressure continuously places me in a logjam in which am not able to give my 100% for fear of failing myself as well as the others.

About a year ago I had the privilege of attending an English course in Venezuela and talk about my transition to my new culture. I found myself in a very high alert, concerning myself weather they'll accept me or think of me as a haughty person. I told them my story; they were charmed as if they have heard fantasy stories. It was then when I realize how much of a privilege child I was. A stage in my life is about to end and another one soon to begin, I will soon leave Illinois and explore more of what the melting pot has to offer.

You made good revisions to the paper. But if you won't mind, I will try to show you another way of presenting your ideas that you can freely choose to use if you want to :-)


- I have been privileged to have spent the first 17 years of my life living and learning in a multicultural environment.


- I left my home country of Venezuela when I was 10 to come to the United States where I hoped to get a better education and experience a better life.


- I experienced the melting pot both at school and within my community as I began to speak both English and Spanish outdoors.


- I slowly became more American than Venezuelan. My old culture eventually disappeared.


- I return to Venezuela once a year. During this time I reconnect with my old friends and visit my old school. I reconnect with my Spanish roots when I am there because I start to speak Spanish again wherever I go. But by this time, I was already more American than Venezuelan so I had to come to terms with living in a culture that I had already forgotten.


- I will admit that although I have been privileged from the start, I still experience my share of identity crises. I began to feel the burden of having people in Venezuela believe that I was some sort of prodigy who could be both Venezuelan and American. This was a burden I was not prepared to take on. But it helped to push me to meet their expectations. I needed to show them that I was still a Venezuelan at heart by being comfortable in a culture that I had long since forgotten. But some of them noticed a difference and this caused me to be an outcast socially in my home country. So I more often than not feel like I have failed those around me because I cannot deliver the old me anymore.

-


- A year ago I returned to Venezuela again. I was given the privilege of speaking to a group of Venezuelan students about my transition to the American culture. I was concerned about how the audience would accept me. Would they think I was a haughty person? Regardless of my concerns, I walked onto the stage and told them the story of my charmed life. As I spoke, I came to realize that the pressure my Venezuelan peers placed on me was because of the fact that I accomplished something that they only wished they could. I had the old story of my Venezuelan life, and the new story of my American life to tell people. Now, I was facing an updated story to my life, that of my life after I leave Illinois for college elsewhere, where my melting pot adventure will continue to prosper.

I hope you can pick up some ideas from the way I approached your story. Feel free to use any portion of it for your essay if you wish to :-)