Lehigh University Admissions Officer letter ("I anxiously wait for my decision")

Hi, I did ED to Lehigh and was deferred and now I would like to send a letter to my admissions officer. Can you guys read it over for me? Thanks!

Hi! My name is Brandon R. You and I met back in early October of 2009 at my high school, High School North. In November I applied to Lehigh as an early decision applicant, and while the result was a deferral, I still want to attend Lehigh. Out of all the schools that I have looked at, Lehigh still stands out as number one on my list. The reason I applied to Lehigh early decision was because when I spent time there, I got a feeling that I got at no other college campus. A feeling of unity and school pride, and that is something that is very important to me.

I want nothing more than to attend Lehigh University in the fall of 2010. I am working as hard as possible to make this happen. I think that I have a lot that I can contribute to any college campus. I have played the roll of comeback kid all my life. From my work ethic in school to my school's baseball team, I have always been the underdog. I like to take advantage of opportunities to prove myself, and at Lehigh, I would love show everyone possible who I am. I look forwards to working hard, spending late nights in Linderman library studying for finals, to even heading up to the mountain top campus to watch the 146th meeting between Lehigh and Lafayette football. I love Lehigh University so much that I wanted to send my application for the Early Decision II applicant pool.

As I anxiously wait for my decision with in the next two months I hope you can see the amount of effort I have given to prove myself to become a Lehigh Mountain Hawk. As I said before there is nothing that I would like more that to attend Lehigh in the fall of 2010 and I am ready to put in the blood, sweat and tears to make this happen. If there are anymore opportunities for me to show you how dedicated I am please contact me as soon as possible

I think this letter definitely shows that you are passionate about the university, but at times it may seem a bit histrionic and desperate. Also, you may want to condense it by ridding some unnecessary lines that merely repeat what has already been said.

At the beginning, I would say "while I was deferred" rather than "while the result was a deferral." Where it says "the reason I applied," I would instead say "I applied to Lehigh because." You may also want to conjoin the last two sentences of the first paragraph: "I got a feeling that I got at no other college campus Lehigh gave me a feeling unlike any other university--one of unity and school pride, and that is something that is very important to me I find extremely important.

The first line ofthe second paragraph may sound a bit overdramatic, as does calling yourself an underdog. The rest of that paragraph I think effectively shows your interest (although I might rewite the last line).

Include a comma after "next two months" in the third paragraph. The line after that seems a bit redundant. And the line asking the admissions officer to contact you may appear a bit unusual although I know your intentions are good.

I hope this helps! I'm in the same boat with you. I was deferred from my top choice as well.

Out of all the schools that I have looked at, Lehigh still stands out as number one on my list, especially because of _______________.
It is such a nice beginning, and now I think you should add a reason right here at the end of that sentence above. Let it be the theme the reader remembers you by.

I want nothing more than to attend Lehigh University in the fall of 2010 in order to lay the foundation for my career as a ____________________. I am working as hard as possible to make this happen.

And let's use a semi-colon here to put these two sentences together:
I think that I have a lot that I can contribute to any college campus; I have been...

You make a great impression!

while this is diff than an essay, im going to give you the same sort of advice i repeat over and over here, why dont you do something different changes things up. I repeat this sooooo many times on here, but it always seems to apply. Have you seen the U Chicago essay that was released, it was a in a letter form( I Know that was an admission essay and this is diff but still read it if you didnt), granted, dont write anywhere near like that, but it should still give you an idea, you have to do things diff. Im sure your a good kid, but theres a reason you got deferred in the first place, you werent as good as others in their mind frankly and something wasnt right, the reason most of these letters of continued interest usually dont amount to anything is there all the same, trying to be polite, yet show passion for the school, emphasizing both at the same time. You cant do that, yes you dont want to be rude, but dont be stiff, really give something specific about you and the school, theres too much fluff here that they probably hear a million times, really tell some kind of story here, i know this isnt an essay, but this is your last real chance to make an impression, and while this letter is well written, it doesnt make any kind of impression. Its just like all the letters lehigh will get, not bad but not much to enhance your application, why not take a chance, do something diff, start your letter with a story about you and lehigh, something theyll remember and really seems passionate, after all, even though kids get accepted after being deferred, its only like 10%, so why not do something diff, what do you have to lose? Good luck, hope it works out for you:)

ps this is just my opinion, you probably wont agree w/ it, but if you really want to get off a deferred pile, you need to do something to enhance your application, i dont think, even though this is a good, nice written letter, this will do it. Others will prob try editing your letter, but really just think for a sec how is this any diff than the thousands of letters lehigh will get from others who were deferred?