Not many friends around me went to a liberal art school,so I wonder if anyone here can critique on my essay. A billion thanksss !!! Merry X'mas!
Prompt:HOW DID YOU LEARN ABOUT VASSAR AND WHAT ASPECTS OF OUR COLLEGE DO YOU FIND APPEALING?
"I am too liberal, maybe self-centered. I don't follow strictly-organized agenda, and probably not fit for many jobs." As I read through those sentences from Huang Hong again and again, I knew the middle-aged woman had conquered my heart- she was genuine, brave and witty; I liked her. Huang Hong, an alumna, acquainted me with Vassar, for which I still entertained murky and mixed feeling: so small that it was sunken in the forest of North East Coast liberal colleges. Vassar was nondescript for me except this lovely truth-speaker.
A former editor-in-chief of high school, I was unconsciously and even furtively inclined to compare the representative newspaper or magazines in every school. The inner psychological preparations any editor had for a piece of printed paper was that it was going to be an art work, rather than oil-painted packing material. So when I first had a rough glance of The Miscellany News (Misc) on a student's profile, I realized that there was 50% respect for the talent and hard work of all creators and another half jealous on my mind- Misc was artsy, high-end (at least it looked) and vintage. I was not too shy or scared to tell people what popped up in my head at instance-Misc was a lighter version of New York Times!
This feeling was weird. Vassar became something I wanted to challenge.
As I said above, Vassar, however with excellent newspaper press, still was a part of an idyllic country photo. I lived downtown for my entire life. So the abysm between me and Vassar existed, until I moved on my pace for more detailed information about my 'opponent'. Apparently, even from my comprehensive browse for reviews about Vassar, I saw mostly positive comments. Professors were always available to discuss ideas with students. They replied a question email in FIVE minutes! How I immediately remembered the long queue of inquisitive students, including me, in the teachers' offices in my school. The only thing they did not have was a secretary to be teachers needing appointments. Also, I soon discovered that I longed to meet all those nice and intelligent students in Vassar. Precisely, not just to say hello but to listen to everyone's stories: junior year study in Spain, internship of assisting Senator's campaign and fieldwork in Albany...Vassar seemed to me not only a place to draft a student's own story, but also a space of intermingling experiences and emotions. Having a roommate from Hawaii and asked her for native Hawaiian stories, enjoying guitar songs by a music fiend in Nashville, discussing plans to explore the beauty of Alps with someone from Switzerland. I started to imagine the kind of life knitted with global friends. I love it. I simply want to fill my eyes and ears in homey Vassar.
When mom scolded me for my first dates, I wondered how many loves people had would continue to be their loves. But now I can convince myself of the certainty that Vassar defends what students love. If nobody provides you with convenience, then create on your own! I can not help screaming out when I looked through the page of students' organization; it felt as a woman were given large amount of money to shop at the 5th Avenue. Anyhow, people have chances in Vassar to materialize their desire.
I am leaving the last paragraph for the most obvious attraction of Vassar- nature and architecture. I must confess that the foremost page of the website took my breath for a moment, and no words could march with my feeling then. Vassar lives in unworldly land since the surroundings is too beautiful to be true. I've made up my mind to visit the campus, whether accepted or not, during my future life in US. At last, I guess it is better to have an official reply for the word Poughkeepsie. Is it pronounced pole-kipsi? Or I may miss my way to Vassar.
Great essay!, you have done your research well, I'm sure Vassar will accept you. It is specific and well written.
I am not sure about the last two sentences.I like the idea but they sound...unatural, like you are trying two hard to impress. But this is a great essay and I think you have an excellent chance of being admitted just the way it is.
I agree this is a great essay. I will mainly do copy-edit. Hope it helps.
I didn't see a place to throw in any hyphens or dashes. And I agree that the last two-three sentences make no sense to someone outside of the college; you may want to combine them.
"When mom scolded me for my first dates, I wondered how many loves people had would continue to be their loves." Awkward... I wondered how many loves continued to be their loves.
it felt as a woman were given [a] large amount of money to shop at the 5th Avenue
until I moved on my pace for more detailed information
I lived downtown [Vassar?] for my entire life.
The Miscellany News or underline...same with New York Times
If nobody provides you with convenience, then create [it] on your own!
Vassar to materialize their [desire.] Diction:opportunities? talents? skills?
Vassar lives in unworldly land since the surroundings is too beautiful to be true.
Diction: unworldly sublime? pastoral? AND "surroundings is" Subject verb agreement
no words could march... do you mean match?
I read the essay a few times and this is what I came up with.
If you get a chance during the holiday, give a good read on my essay... thanks. Good luck
Question about the essay (which I do like very much, btw :)
Isn't there a 500 character limit? Because I'm applying to Vassar too and it looks to me that this is way more than 500 :S
I know they give you the option to upload a document....but I thought it applies to both. Doesn't it?
