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'Don't lie. I'm going to report you' common app essay.on a significant experience...

dj1126 /  
Oct 10, 2009   #1
I chose to talk about a significant experience in my life.

It's not yet close to being finished, but I just wanted to get some feedback on what I DO have so far.

Basically, it's about how I got accused of doing something that I did NOT do. I had to leave my country after that incident (dad found new job) and i never got a chance to help them realize the truth.

I wanted to mention near and in the conclusion how "I" accuse people nowadays without any sort of evidence, and how that's wrong (poorly worded yes i know).

here's waht I have so far...THANKS SO MUCH IN ADVANCE...you guys are great people :)

I did not want it to end the way it did; and the frightening reality is they will never know the truth. Just the bare thought of it brings tears to my eyes. I feel both regret and hatred, but I still forgive them. The next day, I am reminded of it again. Sorrow. Grudge.

Did I deserve all this stress, this burden? How could this possibly happen to me out of twelve-hundred other school mates? Why me? The thought comes back and attacks me time to time.

"You did it. Don't lie. I'm going to report you," a classmate said as he approached me.
"Do what," I chuckle, skeptically.
"Don't give me that."
I feel a sudden pang that stiffened my entire body, turning my fingers and toes cold.
It was only two days after we had written our mid-term exams, and I did not have the energy to think about the accusation. I was quite relaxed during the time, and I wanted nothing to ruin it. I was a feather.

I was not expecting the storm.
I found myself confronting a group of students in the hallway. They displayed the same facial expression as the classmate I spoke to the other day, and when their eyes met mine, I knew right away that they were not happy about something. It's got to be me. I try finding a way out of the imminent trouble but there isn't anyway; I'm just going to have to face it ï whatever it is.

"You sure? We're pretty certain it's you. You wrote that on the bathroom wall."
Rumor has it that I wrote using a permanent marker two names ï a boy and a girl ï on the bathroom wall with a heart drawn between them.

Any thoughts...thank you!!! :D
EF_Stephen - / 264  
Oct 10, 2009   #2
I'm certainly interested in reading more. You have my attention, which is important.

There are grammar errors that need correcting. They detract from the enjoyment of the reading. Keep your tense the same throughout.
EF_Stephen - / 264  
Oct 13, 2009   #3
I can see that the grammar is much better. Nice.

The conclusion--the essay tells me that you still have strong feelings about the incident--should reflect that you still have the feelings, that pain doesn't always go away with distance and forgiveness. It's ok to have the pain. The conclusion can acknowledge that.
Vulpix - / 71  
Oct 25, 2009   #4
My first impression with this essay is that you clearly have a great personal writing style. The short, cryptic sentences, the excellent use of anaphora, everything works very well in conveying to the reader a sense of who you are as a writer.

However, my biggest critique would be that I don't feel like your essay does a good job of describing or defining your world. You talk about your past experiences, and your experiences with friendship, but nowhere do you address the prompt by directly stating what your "world" actually is.

I feel like this is a strong essay, but it would be a better fit for the prompt if you could find a way to clarify your themes.
david_j34 - / 1  
Oct 25, 2009   #5
I'll be sure to make that change. Thanks for your feedback. I really appreciate it.
10jinw 1 / 4  
Oct 26, 2009   #6
This sounds more like a poem than an essay. However, this carries a strong meaning but no reference to your university you're applying to and seems more suitable in a novel. Overall, it does sound good but I would relate your essay more on why this pushes you to go to the school.

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