Hi :) I'm very new to this website, but because my early application is due very soon and I thought I need a lot more people's advice(even if I already got some comments before), I decided to ask for kind helps here!!
It is an application essay for UIUC, and it is my only early admission, and it is also my dream school.
Please kindly read through my college essay, and it would be really nice if you can comment on it- like how you think about it, or how I can improve my essay.
I am also very happy to accept any of the grammatical errors! :D
I know it's quite late, but I hope I can get some advice. :)
Here it is.
Life Anime
Witch hats, black robes, leather bags, oh, she just put dead snakes in, and spell books? No, they're not spell books. They are... Recipes? With that all witchy outfits, they have recipe book in their hands? Recipes for what?
When I was 6, I was watching an animation in which magicians were the main characters. They weren't actual magicians with wands forming fire and ice. They were "alchemists!"
With giant mysterious pots, they created potions and tools instead of saying spells of magic. Those were such a fascinating and mind-blowing scenes for a 6 year old child, to see weird materials -cockroaches, frog legs and bat eyes- combined with mysterious liquid in that gigantic pot, turning into jewelries or dangerous tools. Revolution! It clearly imprinted a thought that I can create new things from whatever I have in my hand, and failure absolutely does not matter. It was so much more appealing than typical magic, which I have to learn how to form fire from invisible power of nature which, is almost(I mean, 99.9999...%, you know) impossible. I tried to imitate alchemists with the strangest materials I could afford, until I realized alchemy is just an illusion from old time. Yes, I felt very futile, however indeed, all those exciting experiences did work in a good way, bringing me into a world of chemistry.
A genius cannot defeat a person making every effort, the person making efforts cannot defeat a person enjoying his work. I know I am not a genius. I am not the fastest learner, I am not the most brilliant or creative. Yet, I am the most active, participating, experienced, and eager one for the pursuit of chemistry. I know the feeling of learning new every day, and I enjoy that feeling with my whole body. And yes, I love to share this amazing feeling with everybody, and I do empathize with anybody I have been helping with chemistry. That moments when I lead others to understand and have interest in chemistry- that, is when I feel like I am magician.
My future goal is to be a chemistry teacher. Regardless what others say about my dream(like there's pharmacist who earns a lot), I follow my heart, I focus on what I really want to do. I want to spread the exhilaration I have felt from my youth until now and will to future, like magician.
Hello @LilBuddha,
Your essay is quite entertaining; I love anime too!
I am not an expert of College Essays but I believe academic institutions get more impressed with formal essays.
It might help if you organize your thoughts in a way that after they have been through your essay, they will definitely accept you into their institution.
You might also want to add more writing on how determined you are. Include all the things you are willing to do to comply with the institution's standards such as working hard and sacrificing some leisure time if needed.
If I were you, I would also include a very specific topic or concept in chemistry to let them know how interested I am. I would write: what interests me most is the wide range of elements which possess unique characteristics as if they were real personality with certain affinity and repulsion to each other.
That's all I have. Don't take it seriously though, I could be wrong.
Thank you for your feed back!
I added some more lines on how much I am dedicated, and I shorten a little of my anime story.
This essay was really hard to write because the word limit was 400!
Mine just came out to be exactly 400...
And I submitted my application after final retouch of my TOK and English teacher.
Thank you for your effort again!
