Hey. I'd love some feedback on my essay for the first prompt on the UC application. 508 words.
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Being the first generation to be born in the United States in my family, I knew that my life would differ from my Chinese parents. Both my mother and father came from Southeast China, and both could hardly speak English correctly. That did not stop them from creating the upper-middle-class family that my brother and I live in today. My life has always revolved around my parents' rulings: to study and to work hard in school, to achieve higher than any other in my community. Ironically, I earned below average grades, resulting in incessant discipline. Because of this, I did not make much of an effort to communicate nor to form friendships. During my elementary and middle school years, I was unable to be inspired by anyone in my community.
The year I became a freshman in high school, my life turned around. My friend Chris took me to a youth group he had been going to for most of his life. The pastor there, Danny, introduced me to Jesus Christ. I was nervous at first, but after roughly a month I became comfortable in the religious environment my friend had placed me under. A few months had passed afterwards, and I told Pastor Danny about my struggles in school. I asked him for help, and he gave me a smile and prayed for my education. I had placed my life onto God's hands.
By the end of sophomore year, my life had completely taken a positive turn. My grades, behavior, and emotional levels were drastically improved. I became more social and easy going. I never again went to my room at night feeling alone, wondering why my life felt so wasted. I had been reborn; God had restored my life and had told me what I needed to do.
In the midst of junior year, I went to Danny and asked him if there was any way to help God the way He had helped me. Danny told me that there was a trip coming up that our entire group would embark on, where we would help homeless people in San Francisco, specifically the Tenderloin. We arrived at the 'YWAM' headquarters about two weeks later, and we journeyed through the harsh blocks of the Tenderloin, seeing lines and lines of homeless people sitting on the streets. For the whole weekend our group went out to serve these homeless people, offering them prayers and food. This experience was one of the most fun experiences that I have had in my lifetime.
Helping the needy allowed me to realize that helping others is an important aspect of life. The way that Danny helped me with my struggles: by listening to me, by respecting the choices that I have made in my life, and by aiding me has changed my entire outlook on the world. I want to change the lives of others, in both big and small ways, and to give them hope. I want to show them that the people care about them, that I care about them.
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Being the first generation to be born in the United States in my family, I knew that my life would differ from my Chinese parents. Both my mother and father came from Southeast China, and both could hardly speak English correctly. That did not stop them from creating the upper-middle-class family that my brother and I live in today. My life has always revolved around my parents' rulings: to study and to work hard in school, to achieve higher than any other in my community. Ironically, I earned below average grades, resulting in incessant discipline. Because of this, I did not make much of an effort to communicate nor to form friendships. During my elementary and middle school years, I was unable to be inspired by anyone in my community.
The year I became a freshman in high school, my life turned around. My friend Chris took me to a youth group he had been going to for most of his life. The pastor there, Danny, introduced me to Jesus Christ. I was nervous at first, but after roughly a month I became comfortable in the religious environment my friend had placed me under. A few months had passed afterwards, and I told Pastor Danny about my struggles in school. I asked him for help, and he gave me a smile and prayed for my education. I had placed my life onto God's hands.
By the end of sophomore year, my life had completely taken a positive turn. My grades, behavior, and emotional levels were drastically improved. I became more social and easy going. I never again went to my room at night feeling alone, wondering why my life felt so wasted. I had been reborn; God had restored my life and had told me what I needed to do.
In the midst of junior year, I went to Danny and asked him if there was any way to help God the way He had helped me. Danny told me that there was a trip coming up that our entire group would embark on, where we would help homeless people in San Francisco, specifically the Tenderloin. We arrived at the 'YWAM' headquarters about two weeks later, and we journeyed through the harsh blocks of the Tenderloin, seeing lines and lines of homeless people sitting on the streets. For the whole weekend our group went out to serve these homeless people, offering them prayers and food. This experience was one of the most fun experiences that I have had in my lifetime.
Helping the needy allowed me to realize that helping others is an important aspect of life. The way that Danny helped me with my struggles: by listening to me, by respecting the choices that I have made in my life, and by aiding me has changed my entire outlook on the world. I want to change the lives of others, in both big and small ways, and to give them hope. I want to show them that the people care about them, that I care about them.
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