My life, my environment - UCF Admissions Essay

If someone could look over my two responses that would be great.
Here are the choices I had and the word limits.
UCF no longer than 500 words (Choose Two)
1. If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.
2. How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?
3. Why did you choose to apply to UCF?
4. What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?

1. My life does not just consist of one "bump in the road", but many that all centralize around the constant financial struggle I live with. At the age of two, my parents filed for divorce and I have been living with my mother ever since. My father is currently incarcerated and has been for the past eight years. Before his incarceration, he purposely failed to pay child support and alimony to my mother who then had to acquire two jobs in order to support herself, my brother, and I. Money never comes easily in our family so we highly value whatever we have. I have not been able to get most things that I have wanted but my mother has always made sure I got what I truly needed. At one point my mothers parents, who we are grateful to, let us stay with them for a few years until my mother had enough money to rent out an apartment for us. Being in this financial situation has also required for me to have a job at one point in order to supplement the household income as much as possible. I was glad to do this because my mother had already undergone enough stress and I figured this would be a good way to alleviate some of her work. Our family is close and we will stick together no matter what obstacle tries stopping us on our path.

2. My environment has had a huge influence on the kind of person I am today. I grew up into a low class family in a high class city. While most people around me had everything, I had less than that. At first this occurred to me as a negative thing, but I slowly realized that I was privileged to be brought up into the world in the kind of situation I am in today. I have to come to sympathize for others like me all over the world, that live on more necessities than luxuries. My financial situation also allowed to me to truly appreciate anything that I possess. Everything I own has a memory attached to it because I was the one who worked for it and if I did not work for it, I know that someone did and I appreciate their hard work and effort that went into it. I also know that my privileged environment has caused to me to be more mentally matured than most of my age. The experiences I have gone through, some of the students in my high school will never have to go through. A lot of these said "kids" take their lives for granted and don't appreciate that their parents have given them the worry-free life they live. Each day of my life though, I know my mother is working to keep me sheltered and satisfied so I can go on to bigger and better things and one day provide a lifestyle I could not have to my kids who will learn to appreciate what they have.

Great essay, in last sentenc einstead of " I could not have" change it to "I never had".

1. My life does not just consist of one "bump in the road", but many that all centralize around the constant financial struggle I live with.I would just say that your bump is your financial struggle. At the age of two, my parents filed for divorce and I have been living with my mother ever since. My father is currently incarcerated and has been for the past eight years.My father has been incarcerated for the past eight years. Before his incarceration, he purposely failed to pay child support and alimony to my mother who then had to acquire two jobs in order to support herself, my brother, and I. Money never comes easily in our family so we highly value whatever we have. I have not been able to get most things that I have wanted but my mother has always made sure I got what I truly needed.

The thing about this essay is that you don't go into depth. Instead of telling me that you are struggling I would like an example that shows how tough it is for your family. The only thing that you do to overcome this bump is that you get a job. Many high school students have jobs regardless.

2.My environment has had a huge influence on the kind of person I am today.Restating the question doesn't help. I grew up into a low class family in a high class city. While most people around me had everything, I had less than that.I doubt that they had everything...well I guess it's hyperbole. Most of us do have less than everything. At first this occurred to me as a negative thing, but I slowly realized that I was privileged to be brought up into the world in the kind of situation I am in todaythis situation . I have to come to sympathize for others like me all over the world, that live on more necessities than luxuries.You shouldn't follow up with this sentence. Your not thankful for your situation because you get to sympathize. My financial situation also allowed to me to truly appreciate anything that I possess. Everything I own has a memory attached to it because I was the one who worked for it and if I did not work for it, I know that someone did and I appreciate their hard work and effort that went into it.Run-on sentence.I also know that my privileged environment has caused to me to be more mentally matured than most of my age.I wouldn't say that.The experiences I have gone through, some of the students in my high school will never have to go through. A lot of these said "kids" take their lives for granted and don't appreciate that their parents have given them the worry-free life they live.Don't degrade others to make yourself seem greater. It's better to prove yourself better than people who are already top-notch. Anyway, I wouldn't include either of these things in your essay.Each day of my life though, I know my mother is working to keep me sheltered and satisfied so I can go on to bigger and better things and one day provide a lifestyle I could not have to my kids who will learn to appreciate what they have.Reword.

royersmora
Hows this?
Every day of my life though, I know my mother is working hard to keep me sheltered and safe so I can go on to bigger and better things. I hope that one day I will be blessed to give a lifestyle to kids that I was not provided with.

what about this?
I hope that day I will be able to provide my children with a lifestyle I never lived,and hopefully they will learn to appriciate what they have,like I did and still do.

How's this?

I hope that the day will come when I will be able to provide my children with a lifestyle i was not privileged enough to live. And I hope that they will realize and appreciate the good fortunes that had befallen them as I would have.

Sounds good. Thank you so much both of you. I really appreciate it :). Although criticism may be harsh it is necessary.
Revision:
1. Financial struggle has been the bump in my life. At the age of two, my parents filed for divorce and I have been living with my mother ever since. My father has been incarcerated for the past eight years. Before his incarceration, he failed to pay child support and alimony to my mother who then had to acquire two jobs in order to support herself, my brother, and I. Money never comes easily in our family so we highly value whatever we have. At one point my mothers parents, who we are grateful to, let us stay with them for a few years until my mother had enough money to rent out an apartment for us. When we did move out into the apartment it was not long until the pinnacle of the struggle came. My mother did not have enough money to pay the rent and we were close to being evicted from the building. Being in this financial situation required for me to have a job at one point in order to supplement the household income as much as possible. I was glad to do this because my mother had already undergone enough stress and I figured this would be a good way to alleviate some of it. Our family is close and we will stick together no matter what obstacle tries stopping us on our path.

2. I grew up in a low class family in a high class city. While most people around me had close to everything they wanted, I had less than that. At first this occurred to me as a negative thing, but I slowly realized that I was privileged to be brought up in this situation. I am thankful for being able to earn what I work for. In addition to this, I have to come to sympathize for others like me all over the world, that live on more necessities than luxuries. My financial situation also has allowed me to truly appreciate anything that I possess. Everything I own has a memory attached to it because I was the one who worked for it. Although if it so be I did not work for it, I know that someone did and I appreciate their hard work and effort that went into it. I also know that my privileged environment has caused to me to be more mentally matured than most of my age. Every day of my life though, I know my mother is working hard to keep me sheltered and safe so I can go on to bigger and better things. I hope that day I will be able to provide my children with a lifestyle I never lived, and hopefully they will learn to appreciate what they have, like I did and still do.

Has your "bump in the road" affected you academically? If so, you should explain how. If not, if you have done very well in school in spite of having fewer resources to draw on than other students, then you should probably mention that, too.

is number one on the essay topics part of yourt essay, becouse i looked at the main page and theres only 3??????

I'm trying to envision bumps "centralizing" and I just can't do it. Perhaps you could change this to more simply state that you have confronted a number of challenges, all centered on (or rooted in) the financial struggles of your family.

Before his incarceration, he failed to pay child support and alimony to my mother who then had to acquire two jobs in order to support herself, my brother, and me .

The guideline for I/me or her/she in this situation is to take out the other people in the list and then see which one you would use: "support I" or "support me"? Support me.

Money never comes easily in our family, so we highly value whatever we have.

Better yet, try substituting "us" or "we", and see which one works best. This helps in those cases where you are having trouble deciding between "I" and "me" in the first place. And bear in mind that sometimes you can use either:

grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/than-I-versus-than-me.aspx