Hi I am apply to Texas A&M University as a u.s transfer and would love some feedback on this essay here is the prompt.
Statement of purpose
When I chose to go to Texas State University, I was uncertain that I wanted to be a stem major or that I was even cut out to be one. Texas State University offered me a good scholarship so I chose to attend because it was the least expensive option. I've spent a lot of my academic career doubting myself. I let this narrative be that because I had a learning disability I would fail AP classes and that I was not fit for public schools to control me. One of my biggest regrets is that it took me so long to learn that was false and that I am capable of whatever I set my mind to. I proved this to myself at Texas State by achieving my goal of making the dean's list my first semester there and it is a list that I plan to stay on. Not only did I learn to be confident in my ability to achieve academic success but also that I enjoyed learning biology and wanted to continue majoring in biological sciences. But now I am ready for new challenges, opportunities, and environments that I believe that Tamu can offer me.
I've always had a passion for the environment. I seek to use a degree in biology to have a career working to protect the environment and aid in the climate crisis. Currently, I am a wildlife biology major but my goal has always been to do something within the environmental science field. Texas State does not have such courses which is the primary reason I want to go to Tamu as it is one of the few schools that do. At Tamu, I am planning on majoring in microbiology and minoring in bioenvironmental science. While originally I thought I wanted to major in bioenvironmental sciences I felt was too narrow, the climate crisis is a complex issue and I want a degree that will allow me to work in a multitude of areas in order to provide aid in a variety of ways. I believe a microbiology degree will enable me to do this. Moreover, knowing that a huge conversation maker and leader of environmental conservation Dr.Christine Figgener studied marine biology at Tamu's inspires me and cements my certainty that studying in Tamu's biology department is right for me. The department offers more opportunities and coursework than what is available at Texas state. I am particularly interested in the Costa Rica Biomedical study abroad program. This opportunity is especially important to me because as a child I loved rifling the storage closet and looking at all the souvenirs my dad had gotten from working abroad. Intricate vegetable dye tapestries from Nigeria, pottery from Colombia, and Russian lacquer boxes, my love for my father's souvenirs grew into a strong desire to explore the world. Therefore participating in a study abroad program has been an important long-time goal of mine and one I hope to achieve at Tamu. In the future, I do plan on getting a master degree not only because it will give me more career opportunities but also because I feel it will lead me to become the best most educated version of myself.
I've already begun working to protect the environment by volunteering with the Bobcat Stream team. Through them, I have gotten civilian science training and conducted monthly tests on the San Marcos river, a very unique and valuable natural resource. I hope to continue my environmental volunteer work with Tamu's numerous environmentally focused student organizations. I believe Tamu is right for me because it's the perfect distance from home and has a strong community with students who are just as enthusiastic and passionate about their work as I am.
I afraid that the essay is may not be personal enough to admissions any help is much appreciated THANK YOU!!!
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,430 4691
The essay requires thought editing and presentation clean up. While there are interesting aspects in this presentation, it is the negatives that I find more memorable. For example, it is never in your interests to say that you chose a school because it was the least expensive option. That totally puts into question the quality of education you received and if you are actually knowledgable enough to switch courses and universities. Using the distance from home is not a good reference either since there are college students who move across state lines, even the international dateline, just to receive a good education. Your desire for familiarity and a safe space as indicated in this statement might make them think twice about your application. You need a more confident voice in this presentation.
1- Never quote negative things in your essay if it is not to bring a positive reaction in your life and in your person.
2- Don't think using a childhood story will move critics. Believe me, a lot of candidates are going to use that tactic, and they're definitely not going to pass.
3 - Address your real challenges.