'Life in India / International Studies' - College Franklin and Marshall

Please read/review/edit and suggest anything :) Also tell me if it's okay and if I have answered the prompt adequately. ANY help would be greatly appreciated

What would be your greatest contribution to the Franklin and Marshall community?

I live in India, in Bangalore to be precise. Yet, I feel as if I belong to the world ï or that is the global citizen I aim to be.

It is these undying promises to myself that I intend to bring to the Franklin and Marshall community. Ever since I participated in my first Model United Nations (MUN) at the Kensri school at 14, and was commended for my effort, I have wanted to live local but think global. My political dialogue and diplomacy skills, enhanced by three years of competitive MUN sessions, have propelled our school team (including me) to the Harvard MUN in 2010. Perhaps my debating and public speaking skills were partly responsible for the invitation.

My mind is uniquely analytical. I have represented numerous countries including Israel, Lebanon, El Salvador, Pakistan, Oman and the United Kingdom at inter-high school MUN sessions. At various MUN sessions, resolutions I have drafted won the majority of votes over other delegates' solutions because I convinced listeners that my stance would benefit not just my country but the larger world.

Current affairs interest me keenly. I watch the news on TV at least twice a day, and read the newspapers daily to keep in touch with happenings around our world.

As an avid reader and a budding cartoonist, your other campus clubs that caught my attention include the Debate club, the Government club, the Gourmet Society, and the Cycling club.

I come to Franklin and Marshall with a mind wide open, buzzing with questions. I'm certain I'll be among the richest of potential global citizens when I leave.

How did you first hear about Franklin and Marshall and why did you choose to apply?
not particularly happy with this one- please suggest possibilities to make it better/more interesting

I was talking to my friend Suchitra Rajagopalan in early 2009 about possible college choices in the US. She mentioned that her sister Gayatri Rajagopalan who studies at your college, enjoyed the opportunities and the academic freedom you offered.

During my follow-up research, I found that the International Studies Program at your college has a sound reputation. I was attracted by the option of adding a multinational perspective to my major, besides designing my own minor.

Through International Studies, I hope to elasticize my knowledge of other countries and cultures beyond India. The international orientation at Franklin and Marshall, besides your study abroad programs and challenging internships, should help me to achieve that.

Your college will help me to gain independence, explore diverse interests, and face new challenges, all of which I enjoy doing. I find comfort in the thought of your college's designated office to help and orient international students and make them feel at home as I have never studied abroad or lived away from my family before.

I look forward to being sensitized to other cultures and social diversity through your Office of Multicultural Affairs. That could be my first step towards graduating as a truly global citizen from Franklin and Marshall.

I like the concept of College Houses. The fact that the college trusts its students to govern and maintain their own housing communities and interests makes me sure that Franklin and Marshal is the right place for me!

My basic philosophy and ideologies are perfectly in tune with those outlined by your college. I will bring excellence and diversity to Franklin and Marshal, if given an opportunity to study there.

Thanks so much for your time!

The yet part doesn't really flow well. why did you use yet? also, the second sentence, I feel that I belong to the world and that I will become the global...


What undying promises? promise to live as a global citizen? try using a different word. I'm not sure promise to live...flow together. The next sentence about MUN is great.

school team (including me) to the Harvard


although this seems humble, it's not very outstanding-ish. Maybe just say that you placed your efforts into this activity and that you know you had were an important member. something along these lines. be creative!


I drafted resolutions that [often] won...


what do you mean? current events in your India? global issues? global affairs? keenly.<maybe another word?


You're not saying the campus clubs are avid readers and cartoonists are you?
Make sure that phrase connects correctly with you, not the clubs. I don't even think you need to mention them.


So this was what you meant. Try making this point clearer earlier. I do have a question though, arent we ALL global citizens? so you're saying that you will have rich potential, that you have abundant potential, yes? Clarify please. As of now, it sounds like you will have lots of money :]

Make sure you focus on what you would contribute to this college. Talking about MUN is a great example, but again, focus on that GREATEST contribution.

Funny, Franklin and Marshall, Lancaster, PA... I'm close to Lancaster, CA xD

I think you can start by just telling them Bangelore.
I live in India, in Bangalore, to be precise. Yet, yet I feel as if I belong to the world - already thinking like the global citizen I aim to be.

Ever since I participated in my first Model United Nations (MUN) at the Kensri school at 14, and was commended for my effort, I have wanted to live local but think global.----> what do you mean, "live locally?" Maybe you mean "work locally"? Local means close to home, so you always live locally, unless you are a nomad.

At the end of that first paragraph, you seem to just be listing things. Instead of giving a list, give some knowledge. Tell them about an important truth about keeping up with current events. Is there something you would like to tell people so that they can benefit by reading the newspaper ust like you do? Do you know something I don't? If so, tell it! That will PROVE that you read and pay attention to politics, and it will PROVE that you have those debate skills you mentioned.

:-)