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My life in the United States began with Rice University; Rice Supp-Why Rice?

arguanoid 6 / 10 1  
Dec 23, 2012   #1
What motivated you to apply to Rice University? Please be specific
My life in the united States began with Rice University. In 1999, my father was completing his PhD at Moscow State University. Soon after, my father accepted a job offer for a post-doc position at Rice university, fulfilling his dream of moving to the U.S., and completely altering the course of my future.

With both parents working long hours, I ended up spending part of my time with my father at Rice, sitting beside the computer and in the corner of the lab while he worked. Looking out around the lab, I was filled with a sense of wonder by all the strange drawings and equipment.

During junior high, my friends and I would spend long hours wandering around the outskirts of Rice Campus, meandering around the lane of azalea bushes, and discovering the mango tree in the corner of campus.

Today, Rice has become a goal. A top tier university with an amazing engineering program. A place that has maintained presence in my life, and where I hope to continue my future.

Still have 30 words I can use. Not sure if some of the things I wrote early on are un-necessary, or if I need to add more to the end.

Thanks in advance ^^
sogoldman 6 / 21 2  
Dec 23, 2012   #2
This is very nice. You use some vivid imagery, and the overall idea works well. However, there are definitely some things that you should add/change. You talk a lot about your past experiences at Rice, but you fail to explain why they were meaningful to you and why they motivated you to apply. That should be the focus of your essay, not summarizing the things you've done at Rice.

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