HI i just wanted some opinions about my essay and i hope i can get some feedback.
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
Born I was with ADHD ( Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder) the most commonly and treated psychological disorder in children that causes disruption in concentration, impulsive behavior and hyperactivity. Affecting 4 to 5% of the child population only in the US, this disease has proven to have shaping effects in different facets of people's life. I was diagnosed with it when I was 8 years old and ever since I came upon the truth of these events my life would never be the same.
I had the privilege of having loving parents that cared for my education and well being; they always noticed that I was special as well as my friends, teachers, acquaintances and family members. Being mischievous, distracted and obnoxious were mundane behaviors that I adopted in my everyday life, making it hard to cope with my daily elementary school assignments. My attitude toward others created a gap between me and my classmates, it also hinder my performance in extracurrilar activities such as sports and the school's orchestra. Luckily my parents took cards in the matter and brought me to a psychiatrist in order to help me achieve a more orderly and organized life style that would, hopefully, help me become a better student, son, athlete, and human being.
7th grade came along and after years of private sessions, tutoring and taking a prescribe medicine I told my mom '' I'm fed up! I don't want to take more medicines, go to the psychiatrist or receive tutoring'' my parents somehow astounded by my initiative and sudden decision seemed a little uneasy about compromising all the progress that I had made by a mere ideal of independency but, nonetheless, trusted my wise judgment.
Gradually, there was a halt in my tutoring sessions and my intake doses of medicine was minimal, until I finally learned to walk with no need for crutches and dashed my way to success by my own acquired knowledge and skills. All thanks to dedication, self-discipline and the help of my mentors and love ones.
I applied myself in such ways that my grades rose considerably as well as my overall life style. It was a growth of integrity that kept shooting up as years passed by. I became more organized, focused and responsible. Came 2007 and, once again, life faced an upturn for me and my family, my parents decided to move from Venezuela to The United States, a huge opportunity that could result in an enriching experience, and it did. Leaving costumes, friends, family and home were not a dreadful thought for me, the day I set foot in America I decided that I would make the best of this stage in my life by trying to excel in as many areas as I could, not a single teardrop ran down my face and no regret feelings got a hold of me.
Speaking a different tongue was not an obstacle as I already had a good foundation in English, starting over in a new school was the challenge that would be more difficult to overcome. After a month I had already become accustomed to my classes, teachers and even found myself a group of friends, I sought to involve myself in extracurriculars activities as I had more spare time than I had before and could take advantage of it.
It's been two years now and I have found the balance that I had always yearned for. What started as a hard time in my life that seem like an endless tunnel became an escalating will for improvement and to prove others and myself that I could deliver a more fruitful me. As many see ADHD as a disease that detaches people from their focus I see it as the driving force that has helped me achieve success and I know that my experience and education can help me contribute at the University Of Florida just as my parents and mentors contributed in my life.
You've got the makings of a very strong essay here. Your story is compelling and you tell it with insight. Now you need to clean up the grammar. You start off on the wrong foot by saying "born I was" rather than "I was born," which leads us to expect poetry rather than prose. Fix that.
Here are some more suggested revisions:
Seventh grade came along, and after years of private sessions, tutoring, and taking a prescription medicine, I told my mom "I'm fed up! I don't want to take more medicines, go to the psychiatrist or receive tutoring!"M y parents,somehow astounded by my initiative and sudden decision, seemed a little uneasy about compromising all the progress that I had made by a mere ideal of independencyjust to honor my wish for independence but [omit comma] nonetheless [omit comma] trusted my wise judgment.
If you examine what I did here, you will see that I broke a few of your longer sentences into shorter sentences. You will need to do that throughout the essay.
