"Loading... Loading... Loading..." Common App Personal Essay Prompt 4

Looking for feedback on this essay

Essay Prompt 4: Describe a problem you've solved or a problem you'd like to solve. It can be an intellectual challenge, a research query, an ethical dilemma-anything that is of personal importance, no matter the scale. Explain its significance to you and what steps you took or could be taken to identify a solution

Computer fix

"Loading... Loading... Loading...", I stared in disbelief as my computer struggled to simply open the homepage. My computer had always been very slow but that day it was especially so. With each passing second, I pondered how it could even get like that. After what seemed like half an hour I had lost my patience and I decided to figure out what was wrong with it. My initial thought was "Maybe it just has a ton of virus". So I checked for and cleaned any virus' that were on it. However, that didn't seem to change a single thing. I tried updating my computer and clearing up space but, the result was still the same. Looking up solutions on my phone wasn't much help either. Stumped, I noticed that the desktop was rather dusty. I went to open it up to see if maybe I needed to clean it. What I saw pretty much confirmed that suspicion. As soon as I opened the case, millions of tiny particles started flying out, causing me to cough. Looking inside I could see the entire desktop was blanketed with grayish brown debris. It was everywhere, the dust probably took up more space inside the case than the actual computer. In fact, the fan looked so enveloped it didn't even seem like it was even able to turn. After wiping it clean of any dust I restarted the computer and tried loading up the homepage again. Surprisingly it seemed to have worked. It only took a couple seconds before it completely loaded up and I had no problems browsing the internet. It was like it was brand new. That day was a notable part of my life. Through the experience, I learned and applied many problem-solving skills. Had I remained content with how slow my computer was I'd probably still be waiting half an hour just to do a simple google search. Or I would have given up and bought another computer. However, by staying resolute and perceptive I was able to fix a problem that had plagued me for months. Not to mention I saved a couple bucks too.

Wayne, the essay is good. It just needs to be cleaned up in terms of formatting. It is too tight on the screen and is very difficult to read. Do the reviewer a favor and divide the essay into paragraphs. When you create the topic paragraphs, make sure that you further enhance your essay by developing the transition sentences from the end of one paragraph leading into the start of the next paragraph.

The whole essay works because the narrative focuses solely on your desire to fix a problematic situation. However, there is very little reference as to why you could not be patient enough to wait for the slow load to complete. If you would like to, you can increase the background of the story to include a sense of need instead of just a sense of impatience. Need, coupled with impatience creates a solid reason for you to go through the process that you did. A paragraph explaining why you were on the computer in the first place will also create a catalyst for your story, which is missing right now.

I have only these comments for your essay. I hope that your next version will be more in a usable and aligned format for your final use. Good luck with your application. If this essay is any indication, you are going to be a gem of a student.

Thanks for the insight, and I'm glad you liked it.