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location, diversity, opportunities, and weather - "Why Stanford"



oliviaglazner 2 / 2  
Oct 27, 2010   #1
Stanford undergrad admissions essay. PLEASE REVISE and be as harsh as necessary!! All criticism is much appreciated

Unparalleled in location, diversity, opportunities, and weather, Stanford is an ideal place for many, for various reasons. Personally, I relish the thought of living somewhere with all of the aforementioned qualities, but for other reasons as well. With the top Psychology undergraduate program nationwide, most schools have academic programs incomparable to Stanford.

My love of children, interest in helping people, and fascination with the human mind became apparent to me at the start of my junior year, and by Christmas break I had decided to study it for the rest of my life. Aside from the obvious reasons Stanford would be my first pick for a Psychology undergraduate degree, I recognize the prolific opportunities provided to learn in a practical, hands-on way. I originally became set on attending when I learned the Zimbardo Experiment had occurred there in 1971. I consider it one of the most interesting psychological experiments ever conducted, and also a paragon of hands-on study. Furthermore, the Bing Nursery School provides an exceptional chance for the one-on-one interaction with children necessary to leading a successful career.

Academic reasons aside, I have participated heavily in extracurricular activities throughout high school and plan to continue. Contributing to clubs, activities, and traditions puts me in my comfort zone, and I see scores of opportunities for this at Stanford. Some traditions, like the Viennese Ball and the Stanford Charity Fashion Show, caught my eye specifically and provided a deeper glance into what life as a Stanford student is like. The past few years I have began to have a more thorough interest in my Cherokee heritage, and the Stanford Powwow is only one among many ways Stanford cultivates and encourages Native American tradition.

dumi 1 / 6793  
Oct 28, 2010   #2
Hi,

With the top Psychology undergraduate program nationwide, most schools have academic programs incomparable to Stanford.------------- I think you want to say that Stanford has the best programs. So better give more prominance to Stanford, otherwise this sentence may confuse the reader, for example;

With the top Psychology undergraduate program nationwide, the academic programs offered by Stanford are much higher in quality and standard, compared to many other schools.


My love offor children, interest in helping people, and fascination with the human mind became apparent to me at the start of my junior year, and by Christmas break I had decided to study it for the rest of my life.----------- I feel it is better to break this sentence since it contains too different ideas and also appears too long.

I consider it as one of the most interesting psychological experiments ever conducted, and also a paragon of hands-on study.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 5, 2010   #3
Your first paragraph is not very strong. I see that you write well, and I don'[t mean to be criticial, but I want to point out that the first paragraph seems to have been a "warmup" that you did before becoming inspired.

Do not talk about the location, or any other obvious things. Only talk about what makes you unique. This is where it gets good:
My love of children, interest in helping people, and fascination with the human mind became apparent to me at the start of my junior year, and by... (very interesting stuff here... so how can we replace "became" with an action verb?)

It seems to end abruptly. Maye that is because you must stay within a word count. Well, I recmmend scrapping the first paragraph, so you can have room for a good, evaluative conclusion. Evaluate your intentions for the next 12-24 months as you write a conclusion paragraph.

:-)


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