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"The loss of a loved one" - Term Paper Overcoming a challenge

nn8nk 3 / 6  
Sep 22, 2010   #1
My prompt for the essay is overcoming a challenge or event in your life that changed your perspective on life. I choose my gf passing away.

The loss of a loved one will leave you feeling empty inside. As if the world will never be the same again and nothing will ever be able to heal your pain. But the fact of the matter is that time heals all wounds and the world keeps on going as if nothing happened. When I first lost my girlfriend Jackie, the last thing I wanted to hear from anyone was that it would get better as time went on. During the service, people gravitated to me slowly to check how I was doing and give me advice on how to endure. Everyone approached me one by one as if they had all pulled a number already to speak with me and were merely just waiting their turn. All I could do was bob my head back and forth in an attempt to appease them so they would just leave me alone. My mind was wrapped around the whole disastrous night where my one mistake cost me someone I loved. Jackie and I grew up together in fifth ward, which is about as poor as it gets in Houston. When I was around ten years old my family had enough money to move away from poverty but Jackie could never make it out. Her father was an alcoholic and an addict who would sometimes go on random rampages throughout his home and mercilessly beat his family. I found all out this out nine years down the road when Jackie and I had developed our friendship into the next stage. I would always try to be around her home as much as possible because I wanted to protect her and her sister from their father, who hadn't changed one bit. Her father never acted up when I was around the house. When I wasn't around I took the precaution of adding locks to the girls' rooms, so he couldn't harm them if he felt like going on a rant. As our relationship grew, I began to slack in my constant duties of protection because nothing had ever stirred up trouble. One night, I decided to take her out to dinner at this nice Italian restaurant and to a carriage ride through downtown. After the date was over, I drove her up to her house and began to reach for my door so I could walk her inside to her bedroom. But she wouldn't allow me to do anymore for her and pleaded with me to just stay in the car this one time. She was just trying to make it easier on me and repeating that everything was going to be okay. I was just too tired to even try to argue with her and she looked very determined. We both said good night to each other and I watched her walk in through her front door. At this moment, I felt that my night had just gone perfect and now it was time to go home. As I drove down her street, I began hearing an odd buzzing sound coming from below me.
mea505 - / 265  
Sep 23, 2010   #2
I am assuming that you are referring to the following sentence as your thesis statement:

The truth is that time heals all wounds and the world keeps on going as if nothing happened.

--> If this is true, then the thesis statement should be the first sentence, not the second or the third. See what you can do about making this sentence the first one in the essay. I also think that you need some additional paragraphs. Otherwise, your essay looks good and reads well.

OP nn8nk 3 / 6  
Sep 26, 2010   #3
Thanks for all the help Mark, I got an A

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