Hey, this is my supplement essay for U-M. You can criticize it as much as you want. Your comment will be a great help for me:) Thank you sooooooooo much!
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)
"Can you please stop singing? I am getting tired of listening to the same song over and over... You've sang that song for more than two hours already!" This is what my mom used to tell me whenever we drove to my grandmother's house every summer vacation. As a 6 years old girl who has just recently learned how to play piano, my life was literally full of music. Since then, music has become a big part of my life, which defines me as a person.
More recently, my interest in music has led me to join school's band and has developed me into a fervent participant of a cooperative act, especially as a 1st clarinet player in wind ensemble band. I, unlike other people casually enjoying rock music or hip-hop, began to appreciate music in other ways: I found out how my small and seemingly trivial part can contribute to the sound of the band as a whole and create a mellifluous harmony. Therefore, with this realization, attending band class has been a dominant part of my school life. Every time I sign up for classes, band has been my priority. Everyday, I end my day with music, which refreshes and relieves my fatigue. Yes. It is true that I am never going to be like Chopin or Mozart, who can magically create a masterpiece or play a song with no effort. However, despite this fact, I am still a lover of music.
I, unlike other people casually enjoying rock music or hip-hop, began to appreciate music in other ways:I began to appreciate music in other ways unlike other people who casually enjoyed rock music or hip-hop.
Every time I sign up for classes, band has been my priority.Band has been my priority every time i sign up for classes.Everyday, I end my day with music, which refreshes and relieves my fatigue. I end my day with music everyday because it refreshes and relieves my fatigue. Yes. It isI know its true that I am never going ... However, despite this fact, I am however, still a lover of music despite this fact.
You tend to put break your sentences up too much, there is no need for two transitional phrases in the beginning of a sentence. Overall, very good and interesting read.
who had just recently learned how to play piano, my life was literally full of music.
Do you think it might be better without this?
I, unlike other people casually enjoying rock music or hip-hop, began to appreciate music in other ways: I found out how my small and seemingly trivial part can contribute to the sound of the band as a whole and create a mellifluous harmony. ----That will give you room to add another sentence at the end.
2 words: Every day (when you make it one word it becomes an adjective.)
Yes. It is true that I am never going to be like Chopin or Mozart, who can magically create a masterpiece or play a song with no effo rt. -----hahaha, not you have the wrong idea. When the masterpiece is created, it is the product of inspiration. That means no effort is necessary.
no... don't say you'll never be able to have that. When you created something that was truly inspired, didn't it seem to come out of nowhere? Almost like it did not even come from you. I'm sure that must be the same for Chopin, Paul Simon, John Frusciante, and all the other inspired artists.
However, despite this fact, I am still a lover of music.
Nope, you have an opportunity here to make a brilliant ending instead of these bad sentences.
