'I love music.' - Yale - tell us something we don't already know

This is part of my yale supplement for the question:
1. You have already told us about yourself in the Common Application, with its list of activities, Short Answer, and Personal Essay. In this required second essay, tell us something that you would like us to know about you that we might not get from the rest of your application - or something that you would like a chance to say more about. Please limit your essay to fewer than 500 words.

i'd really appreciate your input and be critical!
thanks :)
oh and I will take the time to read your essay as well!

I love music. There is no other way I can put it. I love listening to it, I love playing it, and I love singing it. Music is a form of art anyone can relate to, you don't need to study it to truly appreciate it; you just need to listen to it.

It's such a simple concept, pluck a few strings, tap in a constant beat, its just sound; yet at the same time music is so complex. A simple variation in the rhythm or beat can make the song wholly different. To me music conveys emotion, it controls emotion, it's soothing and its therapeutic. In some sense one could say music is my best friend. Not that I don't have my own friends but music is always there to bring comfort or to support me in moments of joy. It's like magic; it's such an intangible concept yet it makes everyone seem tangible. Someone whom you've never met can make you feel as they did in a certain moment of their life, during an experience you may have never even had. It is a universal language and even more extraordinary music doesn't even need to have words to convey an emotion.

My love for music is not a secret, if someone hears music in my room they can be certain that's exactly where I am. Anything from the Killers to Yiruma's beautiful piano styling can be heard from my room at all times of the day. Despite my love for music I don't play an instrument, very well that is. I've had a few remedial piano classes as a second grader, but my stubborn second grade self refused to practice and convinced my parents that these lessons were a waste of money. Thankfully I picked up enough during those few classes to attempt to teach myself songs on the piano. During my spare time I enjoy watching "Youtube" tutorials or "googling" music sheets to a song I may be interested in learning. The ability to create music is powerful to me and I hope to become proficient enough soon. Recently I've also begun to teach myself the guitar, I've learned all the notes, I can pluck quite well, but strumming is still an obstacle. That's just a small detail though, I am determined to learn the guitar and the piano because creating music even more powerful than listening to it.

It's a good start but there are quite a few grammar mistakes & it lacks focus. Instead of describing everything you love about music, pick one topic. I like reading about how you're teaching yourself guitar and it would be nice to include more on that. Use semi-colons sparingly. If you can replace one with a comma or a period, do so. Also, the tone sounds too casual, rather like you're talking to your friend instead of writing an essay. I suggest eliminating all of the 2nd person narrative (you do this, you do that) and not using contractions (you are and not you're). So instead of "you don't need to study it..." replace it with "one does not need to study it...".

Yale is a top tier school and the level of writing they expect is obviously high. Make sure that you proofread your essay carefully. Good luck!

I enjoyed reading your essay. I got a little more insight into you through this essay. It explains alot about you and how you have grown.

However, I would not use "my" , "I" , "you" since it make your essay sound a little - hmm..how could I put this..below your level?..It is not that formal is what I am trying to say.

Also, I found a little grammar mistake

it's just sound; yet at the same time music is so complex. A simple variation in the rhythm or beat can make the song wholly different. To me music conveys emotion, it controls emotion, its soothing and its therapeutic.

Also, there is alot of passive sentences, perhaps you could make those more active?

Good essay! it just needs a little bit of more formality since it is going to Yale

You should use this essay to demonstrate some trait of you that will impress the adcoms.
I agree with the first comment. You show a lot of passion for music, but then you say you don't
play an instrument. Although you go on to actually say something different, this sentence
is not really good for the flow of your ideas.
Maybe you should try to link your passion to music to the learning of the instruments for yourself.
And focus. There is no need to tell the adcoms that you were lazy, even if it makes you sympathetic.
And:
Why do you need the support of music in times of joy? Don't you mean distress?
Who else would play music in YOUR room?
But the first part of your essay is really great, it shows your passion and understanding of music,
but the next part about your room seems redundant. You should stop when you feel you have described
music long enough for the reader to feel your love, which is for me the spot where you say music is magic.
Use the energy of the first part to create an outstanding essay, you certainly have strong enough writing skills.

Thanks so much for all your critique!
I will definitely work to make this more formal and focused good luck to all of you in your college conquests!