Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width   Posts: 2


"I always loved art" - SUNY Application Essay, experience and educational goals



jazzmeen 3 / 9  
May 20, 2010   #1
Hello!! Please help me with my writing..I will give a little introduction of myself: im a high school graduate, I was looking for a job during the summer but i didnt get any, besides i began my own business and it's going great thanks God..this is my admissions essay about that because I want to major in finance at SUNY Old Westbury

All improvements accepted ;)

SUNY Application Essay - Please describe an experience that has impacted your educational goals, and explain how the College at Old Westbury can help you accomplish them.

I always loved art, indeed, I'm an artist. I studied oil painting about two years ago, and pursued into it until last summer. After finishing high school, and desiring more independence, I sought for a job during the summer. But, because of my age, I got nothing. So, that was when I decided to open my own business with my art.

At first, I did painting works for a friend who sold the products to an online store owner. It was quite good because I had an assured job, of course earning less, but assured. Sometime after, my mother took some decoupage and painting classes, and we began selling our art to some friends. We felt it was better to independence and do our business.

Using facebook and blogger for promotion, I created a profile where people could see our art. It was really frustrating at the beginnings because we didn't have any comments; I wondered we failed. Though things did not seem to work out, I decided to invest part of my college savings on my business; I was confident I could make my little business grow with some new strategies.

I bought new products, used new techniques and added as much people as I could in my bio site. With the new introductions, people began asking about my art, and interested people began appearing. As the days passed, my business grew a lot, from nothing to a real microenterprise. This morning I delivered several products to a new costumer, who, seeing the quality of the work, asked me to make more products for her. Even a TV program invited my mom and me to show our project. This is the real proof of how our perseverance and effort built our own business.

I took serial challenges with my project, I handled them the best I could and I took advantage of opportunities to make it true. I want to expand my business to new campuses in pastries and canastas. That is my goal right now, but I need a good education to accomplish it. I am confident that the finance program at The College at Old Westbury will provide me the best tools for my business growing. With its curriculum focused in financial analysis and financial planning, I will learn how to manage my investments and profits in the best way. Also, I am willing to contribute my best qualities for the university, and I am committed to meet the university's high standards. I am sure The College at Old Westbury's finance program will really help me accomplishing my educational and professional goals.

Vakax 2 / 41  
May 22, 2010   #2
Umm, I like the start but i would like it even more if you end it with 'indeed, I can say sincerely now that I am an artist.' That would highlight that ARTIST in you in more than just one way. ARTIST as a painter, ARTIST as an Entrepreneur, ARTIST in you mode of business acumen (because artist refers to someone whos creative -not just someone who paints!)... The line would mark the perfect culmination to all of your hardwork.(of course thats only my opinion!)

Also, A short beginning line is more crisp and has more effect on the reader. 'I have always loved(maybe something a little more passionate instead of loved?)art'.I studied oil painting about two ....

Include the other part of this line in a conclusion paragraph.

Best of Luck and congratulations on your accomplishments!


Home / Undergraduate / "I always loved art" - SUNY Application Essay, experience and educational goals
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳