Hey Guys! This is my first post so I hope all goes well. I'm applying to some very very competitive schools so I'd really appreciate any feedback on my essay! Thanks a bunch =)
"(protecting my name), write down the number quickly so we can make a donation!" my mom yelled. Not paying much attention, I picked up a pencil and paper, scribbling down the number that was on the bottom left of the television screen. As the commercial was coming to an end, the phrase "It's difficult to leave a child with an aching heart" (translated from Arabic) resounded through the small living room, amplifying my parents distressed look. Not quite understanding what just happened, I reviewed what I had blindly written on the paper; it read "The Magdi Yacoub Heart Foundation - 0100024611/22." Quite honestly, this was gibberish to me at the time. I could not comprehend its significance as I had never seen the commercial before, nor have I been familiar with the Magdi Yacoub Heart Foundation. I asked my parents, "Who is Magdi Yacoub?" Their answer was one I would never forget: "Magdi Yacoub..." my mom said with a warm smile, "...is the heart and pride of Egypt."
Burning with curiosity, I wondered to myself, "What does she mean the heart and pride of Egypt? How come I've never heard of him?" I hurried over to the laptop in my room with a fierce determination to find out exactly who Magdi Yacoub was. Spending hours upon hours reading articles and websites dissecting his childhood and his colossal achievements I was mesmerized by this brilliant saint. His surgical skills were unsurpassed, his generosity was beyond comprehension, and his intelligence was extraordinary. He was leading the life I only dreamt of. It was this man who made everything possible in my life.
Magdi Yacoub is the reason I can proudly say that I want to be a cardiac surgeon and help those whom are less fortunate and be the very best at what I do. He instilled an ambition in me that thrives from academic excellence, compassion, global awareness, and a desire to succeed. This experience shaped my character and my view on life. I began to volunteer at the local hospital whenever I could to help patients and learn as much about the medical field as I could. I spent hours upon hours reading medical case studies, trying to satisfy my limitless thirst for knowledge. Distractions that had once dominated my life, like YouTube, video games, and television had become insignificant. I began to realize what I truly wanted out of life: help others, understand the human body, become a world renowned heart surgeon, and become the heart and pride of Egypt.
My performance in school was significantly enhanced as I developed a genuine interest in all my subjects. For example, I was eager to read the next chemistry chapter on organic chemistry and do the practice AP Calculus questions at the back of the book. Magdi Yacoub inspired me to always try my best and to accept the fact that sometimes it may entail failure, but you only improve because of it. He taught me to make a difference.
Hi Ramo
It's a well written essay. However, I'd like to point out that the conclusion should not introduce any new point. It should try and summarize what you have said. So, in the end, you say "Magdi Yacoub inspired me to always try my best and to accept the fact that sometimes it may entail failure, but you only improve because of it. He taught me to make a difference."
Now, you have not explained HOW Magdi Yacoub has helped you accept the fact. You have just said he helped you. In my opinion, you should cite some of his life stories where he had failed but continued marching on. You can then say, "THIS is how, he has helped me."
All the best!
Great essay! Just a few minor things...
- "...the phrase "It's difficult to leave a child with an aching heart" (translated from Arabic) " Maybe you could cut out that last part, but if you feel it is necessary then keep it.
- "...paper; it read "The Magdi Yacoub Heart Foundation - 0100024611/22 ."" Again, you could keep this if you really want to, but I don't think the numbers add anything to the essay. You want the audience to know what the foundation is, not what that number is.
- "I asked my parents,"Who is Magdi Yacoub?"who Magdi Yacoub was, andt heir answer was one I would never forget: "Magdi Yacoub, " my mom said with a warm smile, "is the heart and pride of Egypt."
- "...she mean by the heart and pride of Egypt?" Not totally necessary, but I think it makes it flow better.
- "He instilled an ambition in me that thrives from academic excellence, compassion, global awareness, and a desire to succeed." Not sure if "thrive from" is the correct way to use thrive. Try, for example, "...instilled in me and ambition to strive for academic excellence, compassion, global awareness, and success."
- "For example, I was eager to read the next chemistry chapter on organic chemistry andor do the practice AP Calculus questions at the back of the book."
- "Magdi Yacoub inspired me to always try my best and to accept the fact that sometimes itthis may entail failure, but youthat one only improve because of it."
As I said above, great essay! That last paragraph was really moving, and I thought that you really explained why you'll make a difference in the world. You'll get in wherever you want to :)
P.S. I've been helping people out a lot (and in detail like this), but no one has really returned the favor yet. Do you think you could give my college supplement a look?
Hi Walid,
Your writing style is simple and that's what makes your essay more personal. I reaaly liked that style.
Now, moving on to the content of your essay, I would say you used many vacant sentences- the sentences that don't convey any message from your part. For instance, 'Magdi helped me.' How? As the above post got it correct: You have to cite examples of Magdi's life, how his field of interest inspired you and how you want to change the world.
Try on those and I believe you can do it! :)
I could not comprehend its significance, as I had never seen the commercial before, nor having been familiar with the Magdi Yacoub Heart Foundation.
Magdi Yacoub is the reason I can proudly say that I want to be a cardiac surgeon and help those who are less fortunate and be the very best at what I do.
I began to volunteer at the local hospital whenever I could, to help patients and learn as much about the medical field as possible.
Magdi Yacoub inspired me to always try my best and to accept the fact that sometimes this may entail failure, but that one can only improve because of it.
I was tempted to stop a few times while reading your essay, to say 'you are an excellent writer! Whatever school you go to, well, they'll be lucky to have you as a student. Good luck with school and in all you do!
:)
