'magnificent grandeur of music' - Short essay from Common app.

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

There are three basic rules in orchestra: set your bow, look at the conductor, and count. My right hand draws the bow with an appropriate strength as the music starts, and my left hand positions the fingers on the right place of the fingerboard. With a small swing of the conductor's baton, we become deadly quiet. We wait for his next move: sforzando. With all our strength, we make the loudest dynamic that the audience will hear. When the sound echoes as the conductor smiles, the vibration from both of my hands electrocutes my heart momentarily. That is when I feel a chill down my spine; this is the real power of the music. I do not play in orchestra to show off what my skills. I play for the magnificent grandeur that music provides. I do not play only to listen to the applause that the audience replies to our performance, but I play because I am more than happy to be part of this orchestra, feeling the power of the music together at this moment.

This is the first time for me to post an essay..
ah! I am very nervous D:

Thank you so much for your help!

My first time to reply an essay (:
I think it is very well written! Really vivid details and appealing explanation for your love of music. I am also writing this essay... and I really like the one you wrote.

Good luck!

you need to talk about how orchestra makes you 'you' and how it has affected you.

First of all, I know exactly what you're talking about, that feeling of bliss as you contribute to a musical ensemble. However, I might try adding more accomplishments (if they exist). This essay is meant to elaborate on your successes in an extracurricular as well as accentuate your passion. This might be a better tone for the personal essay. I may be wrong, but that's what I'm doing!

thank you for your comments! I really appreciate it!

I really like your description of the feelings you have performing, as others have pointed out, you certainly have passion. One thing that I would do, I think it would benefit you write in terms of a progression of how music affects you and has helped you grow as an individual. From what admissions officers have told me, they are looking for statements that reflect your personality and how experiences have effected and shaped who you are today. Just how i would approach it. Possibly find a way to creatively add your achievements in music into the short essay. Anyway, you have a great style and i wish you the best of luck in your scholarly and musical endeavors. Cheers

This is a good essay..
However there are a few weird wordings:
"deadly quiet" >>> you might want to replace that with "we become as quiet as ____ "
"to show off what my skills" >>> is this a typo ?

yes it is a typo.. I forgot to take that 'what' out haha;;;