These are definitely rough drafts. I feel like some of my thoughts haven't been completed yet.... But any opinions would be much appreciated. Thank you
1. What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
We go through life having to make decisions. Our life becomes a web of the different directions we choose or the paths we are led down, determined by our thoughts, ideas, and pure circumstance. What is greatly important to me is how we communicate those thoughts and ideas, and how we react to each circumstance we are presented with. Having a natural curiosity for how we humans process information, analyze it, and take action on it, comparatively with my own thought process, leads me to want to explore the different mediums that we use and analyze the relationships that exist among the arts, technology, and our everyday lives.
It was a small beginning, but as a senior in high school I was a member of the creations committee for our Associated Student Body, an experience that led to my deepening interest in project management and event planning in a creative field. I began to develop my understanding of how to convey ideas and messages effectively to others determined by the demographic I was working with. It also enabled me to collaborate with a diverse group of people in communicating the interests and concerns of my fellow students through managing projects and executing successful events and school functions.
I let my thoughts regarding going into event planning simmer while I explored other areas during my first year of college. I hoped to experience something new, meet new people, challenge myself that would force me to become more independent, and help me figure out which direction I wanted to go next. While there, I interned with an American fashion designer, during which I helped produce her fashion show during Paris fashion week as well as worked on her upcoming collection. Enjoying the thought of continuously working on the development of a project, that being the collection, in all aspects, I felt stronger in my interest in attending design school and was determined to make it happen.
Soon after my return home I left to study at Parsons the New School for Design in New York City. I immediately began working for a local designer as an intern and developed my role into becoming her design assistant. Working for her continues to be an invaluable experience. I learned about every aspect of the fashion industry and how to manage a small business through first hand experience. I not only was responsible for such tasks as overseeing production, delegating duties for the interns, and handling communication between vendors, press, and factories, but was also given the opportunity for creative input. I researched, designed, and acted as a consultant for the development of the collection each season. My favorite part of every season was at the end when we had to produce our fashion show and present our vision and all of the hard work that we put into it. It is the most intense and exciting few weeks for anyone involved in the industry, and extremely rewarding.
Working for small design firms has been an eye-opening experience, enabling me to work with such diverse creatives and to help them explore their vision and materialize it in some way or another, while discovering new mediums for my own creative expression. Whether it be working for a designer, or on my own, my fascination for the underlying process of ideas and how we can express ourselves in new ways in relation to the ways that we impact the world around us, will constantly be of great importance to me.
2.Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
Beginning my experience in the fashion industry and my life in New York City by working backstage at fashion show during NY Fashion Week was probably one of the best decisions I have ever made. I thrive on finding new challenges and things I have never been exposed to, and then realizing my strength in a new area by observing, learning, and developing. I want to become the one involved in developing and producing a major event or project. I want to get my hands dirty and work long hours until I feel completely satisfied that the planned vision has been achieved. It was the day of my twentieth birthday when I had my first glimpse into what that would be like, with my first introduction to the world of fashion. It is a world that for the next three years of my life would challenge me, force me to answer my own questions, and open my eyes to my inner creativity.
It all began when I responded to a craigslist ad looking for backstage dressers at a fashion show. It was my first week in New York and I was already on my way to becoming involved in things that I never thought seemed possible. I went to the show that day not knowing what to expect, only that this had to be every fashion student's dream. It may not be the most glamorous side of fashion week; I wasn't strolling into the Bryant Park tents to grab my front row seat; but in my opinion, this was one of the most desired spots. All of the real action was happening here. Our culture has become so intrigued by reality television and entertainment, as we all want to see what goes on behind closed doors. And I understand it. This was the most exciting part of it all for me. Being involved in the success of this event that I felt lucky and determined to continue to have a role in future developments of a creative project.
I came to New York, to study at a school that with its curriculum not only prepares you for the fashion industry, but for the chaos and intensity that life most commonly throws at you when you work in a creative field. I meant business when I moved across the country to attend school. I was there, ready and doing whatever I could to develop a future for myself.
Three years from that first day at NY Fashion Week, my determination that landed me an experience working backstage, was also what would bring me to a feeling of ultimate satisfaction and personal success. For the fifth season in a row, I was working backstage at a fashion show for the same designer I began with. Only this time, I wasn't just one of the nameless interns that followed orders as told by the show organizers, I was the show organizer.
Hi there,
Nice work on both essays, I love your angles and the groundwork that you've laid. However, I have some broad thoughts for both of your essays, to help target the prompt and keep your reader engaged:
Essay 1:
-Your intro confuses me. From your first few sentences, I'm not sure whether you are going to discuss your interest in event planning, sociology or cognitive science:
"We go through life having to make decisions. Our life becomes a web of the different directions we choose or the paths we are led down, determined by our thoughts, ideas, and pure circumstance. What is greatly important to me is how we communicate those thoughts and ideas, and how we react to each circumstance we are presented with. Having a natural curiosity for how we humans process information, analyze it, and take action on it, comparatively with my own thought process, leads me to want to explore the different mediums that we use and analyze the relationships that exist among the arts, technology, and our everyday lives."
I would streamline this, maybe event cut it entirely to get to the heart of your essay ('As a senior in high school...'). This is a short answer, so focus is key.
-Where are you now applying to school? Are you transferring to complete your undergraduate degree? What will you get from X school that you cannot get from Parsons? What is your intended major? I want this whole rationale to be very clear and well-positioned.
Essay 2:
-Make Paragraph 2 your new Paragraph 1. It will make your essay more interesting from the onset, and highlight how resourceful you are. I might recommend that you also describe the frenetic pace of the fashion show, give us a window into what it is really like backstage. Paint the picture. You know how to write, so show it.
-I love the raw content in your closing paragraphs.
"I came to New York, to study at a school that with its curriculum not only prepares you for the fashion industry, but for the chaos and intensity that life most commonly throws at you when you work in a creative field. I meant business when I moved across the country to attend school. I was there, ready and doing whatever I could to develop a future for myself.
Three years from that first day at NY Fashion Week, my determination that landed me an experience working backstage, was also what would bring me to a feeling of ultimate satisfaction and personal success. For the fifth season in a row, I was working backstage at a fashion show for the same designer I began with. Only this time, I wasn't just one of the nameless interns that followed orders as told by the show organizers, I was the show organizer."
The last line is brilliant. What I think you can do is work on the flow of your prose. The first sentence of your closing paragraph is extremely choppy and convoluted. So, keep your prose more direct. Simplify. Your content/analysis is excellent, but at times, its literally the rhythm and syntax of your language that hinders the success of this essay.
Great work overall, but I think with these tweaks you can take both essays to a new level!!!
All my best,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing
