"To make others happy", have to shorten by 400 letters/characters. pennstate p.s

Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. Im sending this essay along with a letter from the director of the camp explaining what i do and my dedication to the camp

I need to cut by 130 characters

Over the summer, I volunteered at Camp R.O.B.I.N., a facility for developmentally challenged children. I first time I went in, I saw little kids just running around ecstatically with an old friend of mine, who was a volunteer there. I decided to volunteer with him. After I met my first group, I befriended a camper who had just seen the movie "Transformers". He was convinced that he was a robot, so I decided to play along. Soon, other kids approached me asking if I was his father. Laughing, I told them that I wasn't, and they responded by hitting me and screaming "Tag, you're it!" Instantly, I chased them, trying to tag a bunch of little kids laughing their heads off. From that point on, my priorities were reversed. Instead of doing things for myself, I did things for others. I go to there every summer now, to help them in various projects, ranging from arts and crafts, to cooking, to talent shows. The joy that helping others provides me will greatly benefit my peers at Penn State. I strive to help others, because that's all that really matters in the end.

Wow, 130 characters is hard to cut. I'm guessing for every character you cut, you'd probably be biting your lip. The only suggestion I have is that maybe you cut or revise the sentence on "Then I saw my friend, Sami. He was a volunteer there, and so one thing led to another, and then I became a volunteer"? I really don't think the central meaning of your writing will change if you omit these two sentences. Also, when I was reading it, I felt the sentence wasn't as smooth as the rest. Overall you did a great job of shortening sentences by using participles. If you are cutting entire sentences, I suggest you DON'T cut the sentences starting from: "Now, I go there every summer....that's all that really matters in the end." Good luck!

ugh i had to cut out so much after i read this thing like 40 times. im praying its good

Summers used to be so boring. It was too hot to play sports, the beach was too far, and friends were away. One day, All this can go; it sets a bad mood for the essay... and it doesn't help.

Consider using "developmentally challenged" instead of mentally challenged.

It is an excellent experience to write about, and you wrote very well here! Can you connect that enjoyment of helping, somehow, with your career goals?

This may be being a bit too anal on my part but.. what about changing that to "I volunteered at Camp ROBIN ..." rather than "a camp called..."

It's pretty obvious that camp ROBIN is a camp. haha

When I went inside for the first time, I saw little kids just running around ecstatically with an old friend of mine, who was a volunteer there. I decided to volunteer with him.

This sound kind of redundant? It was already stated you are volunteering at the camp.

Really nice essay but the commas seem to impede the flow of that last piece you posted. When I wrote my essay, I was told to cut back on the commas, and when I did the essay was 1000x better.

I decided to volunteer with him. When I met my first group, I also befriended a camper who had ...

Your last sentence could be better if it specified something substantial about the path you choose for helping others. It is too vague right now...

On the first day I was ther e, I saw a bunch little kids running around ecstatically while I was waiting to be assigned to a group.

I go there every summer, now, to help them with various projects, ranging from arts and crafts, to cooking, to talent shows.

This looks great.