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"A male student of African Descendant to become a financial analyst" - RUTGERS


adex 2 / 9  
Nov 17, 2010   #1
Can anyone please review my essay.i will appreciate this so much. thank you in advance..
ESSAY PROMPT

Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services and cultural experiences.

I am impressed by the anomaly I have become: A male student of African Descendant with a burning desire and passion to attain my dream of becoming a world renowned financial analyst in this sophisticated and dynamic world. A world full of people from diverse culture and places with different perspectives and views about the human world, yet we are all united by the spirits of humanity. Given my background, a young adult who has grown up in the developing country of Africa Nigeria to be precise, grappling with the challenges of the economy hardship and poverty: It is apparent to dash the hope of one's dream and ambition, but the burning desire and the tenacity of purpose embedded in me stimulate and keep me going to face life challenges.

Growing up was never a palatable experience for me. Early in life I have learnt to grow up quickly and scratch for a living without the tender love, protection and guidance of a father. My mother played a strong motherly role in my upbringing. She taught me the significance of being passionate about life. Against all odds, her burning desire and passion lay a sound foundation for me to be passionate and always working towards my dreams. It is this mind's frame that I have employed in everything I do. As I never allowed the poverty level to affects my passion as it does to most of my peers while growing up. Sometimes I lived with just two meals a day, but still I carried out my daily activities believing the future is bright.

However, immigrating to United State of America where there are abounding opportunities serves as an eye opener for me. I experienced culture shock because I now found myself in a heterogeneous society of diverse culture where individualism is the hallmark of the cultural context. Unlike in Africa where brotherhood forms the hallmark of the cultural context, everybody does his own things by himself. People believed asking too much question means intruding their privacy. Owing to this, I quickly adjusted to the norm in my new world, mix it up with my values of African society so as to better functions in a diversify society. Moreover, I worked in Newark Airport as customer service associates where I experience diversity as I met people from different culture, origin and experiences. With passion I learned about different people, their values and interests. I learned how to work and deal with different people with diverse perspective and opinion to achieve better results. I began to appreciates a diversify society as it stimulate my passion to learn about people from all walks of life. Exposure to different ideologies, cultures and ethics serves as a check to intellectual stagnation and ignorance.

Coming from a different culture and being a minority in a diverse society, I believe Rutgers is the right place for me. With the richness in diversity and outstanding academic environment, Rutgers will provide a permanent base that will extends my knowledge of diversity and prepare me to function well in life to come. With different clubs, groups and other organizations, Rutgers provides real atmosphere of the world that will fully equip me to face the challenges of life. Nonetheless, I intend to use my experience of diversity and understanding of people with different cultures, ethics, and interest to work with my future colleagues to bring about the best in every one and to stimulate Rutgers community.

I know for certain that there are students with different levels of intelligence. To the very few students who are considered to be geniuses, it is easier for them to attain admittance to college, because of their natural gifts. There are others who have consistent academic records which assist those students to successfully convince college institutions of their abilities. As for myself, I have nothing more than the tenacity of purpose and passionate desire to achieve my goals in life. And I believed with this I can handle the complex challenges of the future most especially the diversity of the enormous challenges in Rutgers where I believed I can build my future.
glaserjf 3 / 14  
Nov 17, 2010   #2
First, you may want to make sure that you answer "how you will benefit from" Rutgers.

I have a few grammatical/tense changes.

"I am impressed by the anomaly I have become: A male student of African Descendantdecent
"Given my background, a young adult who hadhas grown up in the D developing country of Africa Nigeria to be precise, grappled grappling with the challenges of the economy hardship and poverty:"

" sometimes I lived with just two squares of meals in a day, but still I carried out my daily activities of the day believing the future is bright.

Hope this helps :)
OP adex 2 / 9  
Nov 17, 2010   #3
Thanks alot i will adjust the necessary errors. But do you what do you think about the essay as a whole? does it answer the question? pls i will appreciates this so much.
OP adex 2 / 9  
Nov 19, 2010   #4
Good evening everybody. please can someone review my essay again.Do i answer the prompt? what do you think about the essay? please review it and tell me necessary adjustments if there is.i will really appreciates it so well. thank you for taking your precious time to edit my essay.

Thank you so much..:)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 26, 2010   #5
A male student of African Descendant descent with a burning desire and passion to attain my dream of becoming a world renowned financial analyst in this sophisticated and dynamic world work as a financial analyst for the benefit of _____________. (In what setting?)

Google descent and descendant to see what each means.

A The world is f ull of people from diverse ...

burning desire ---This is a cliche, so it weakens the essay. Express ideas in your own unique ways.

Growing up was never a palatable experience for me.---Interesting sentence!!
Use a hyphen: eye-opener

...worked in Newark Airport as a customer service associate where I experience diversity as I met people from different various cultures , origins and experiences.

I like this topic sentence: Coming from a different culture and being a minority in a diverse society, I believe Rutgers is the right place for me. With the richness in diversity and outstanding academic environment, Rutgers will provide a....of the world that will fully equip me to face the challenges of life. (This part seems sort of meaningless, because it is just telling general ideas about the school having diversity. Replace this stuff with your own unique idea.

For every paragraph, express one new idea. It does not actually have to be a new idea, but you have to give an idea your own unique perspective and in relation to your chosen field.

I know for feel certain that ...

:-)
OP adex 2 / 9  
Nov 26, 2010   #6
ok thank you kelvin for your timely help. i really appreciate it alot. am working on it now. However, do you think i answer the promt?. thanks you


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