"Every man is the architect of his own future" - FSU Essay

Hey please read my essay and tell me what you think, good and bad and also any suggestions comments what I could add or delete. Watch for grammer also please.

Thanks:)

Topic
-The Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

Essay
"Faber est quisque fortunae suae" is a Latin phrase that translates into "Every man is the architect of his own future". I honestly believe that we ourselves determine our future and that we are not limited by anything but ourselves. With the right principles, family, and courage I trust that any person can achieve success. We are greatly influenced, both positively and negatively, by the people around us and it is our job to distinguish between the two.

I have realized that my strength, both moral and mental, have derived from my mother who has always told me it is better to endure than to give up. She also told me that strength is not measured by muscles or weight, yet by personal ethics and honestly.

My mother encouraged me to set my own morals rather than to follow other's. She nudged me in the right direction when she saw I was straying to determine what is good and bad. She also taught me to never look the other way when someone needs help. It is because of her that I decided to become an active volunteer in my community by volunteering with Habitat for Humanity, United Way, March of Dimes, and other groups to help people that need it.

My father proves that the quest for knowledge never ends. He is eager to learn about anything and he passed this trait to me. Ever since elementary school, I had a passion for learning and art because of my father. Ever since I received my first box of crayons at age 4, I became obsessed with drawing and knew that this is something that I will do forever. Though I do understand that I am no Picasso, I love art in its many forms from painting, photography, and sculptures and I understand that you do not have to be great at something to love it. To quench my thirst for knowledge I decided to enter the International Baccalaureate program as my father hoped I would. Here I became immersed with knowledge, culture, independence, and free thinkers that all loved this pursuit of knowledge..

Though neither of my parents had the money to attend college, they greatly impacted my educational and moral career. They have instilled in me morals and sense of individualism that I will carry on into my college career at Florida State Unisersity and throughout my entire life. Both Vires and Artes impacted me and made me the independent, free thinking, and moral person that I am today. Though it is only me that controls my future, my family has greatly influenced my life.

The main problem with your essay is it's too passive and clumsy wording. Here are some of my suggestions, you can choose to use it if you want but beware of the grammar lol, ask someone else to fix the grammar since English is not my first language. So the only thing i can help is to rephrase your sentences if I have your permission.


Avoid passive tone. Try "We are the ones that hold our own fates: the future that cannot be limited by anything but ourselves."



ethics and honesty


I kinda understand what you mean but this sentence needs clarity. You can just take out the "to determine what is good and bad".

or
"Encouraged me to set my own morals rather than to follow other's, my mother always pointed me to the right direction whenever I'm losing my steps."


"Never avert your eyes from another person's need" was her quote that helped me to actively participate in my community by volunteering with Habitat for Humanity, United Way, March of Dimes, and other groups to help people in need.


How about: My father's eagerness to learn proves the quest for knowledge can never ends, it was then I found the passion for education.


Ever since elementary school, art became my obsession when I received my first box of crayons at the age of 4, drawing was something i know that i can enjoy for the rest of my life.



Sorry if the comment was long and boring but I hoped it helped a bit :). Good Luck with your essay