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"My mathematical expertise" - part of my nature I am most proud of



freezard7734 17 / 144  
Aug 26, 2010   #1
I recycled some parts of my other essay here because I thought the prompts were somewhat similar. I would greatly appreciate any feedback.

What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. (*) (200-250 words)

I once had no faith in teachers. As a child, I remember asking teachers a myriad of questions in hope of unveiling the world around me; however, my inquiries often culminated in disillusioning shrugs of ignorance or indifferent replies of "You don't need to know." Thus I disliked teachers. Ironically, I later discovered to my surprise and dismay that I loved to teach. However, through my endeavors, I soon became proud of my passion to teach as I learned that teaching is a noble and humble profession. The teacher not only trains apprentices but also hones own pen of erudition; only together can they fend off the armies of enigma.

When I received my first math puzzles, I was delighted by the hidden messages and logic maps. I was thrilled when the puzzles were finally deciphered and urgently gathered my family to share my findings, only to receive indifferent nods; nevertheless, I was compelled to share my knowledge. I had discovered my love for teaching.

Eventually, as a hobby, I tutored at a math circle; there, I learned that the great teacher learns with his students. I struggled with my students to unearth mathematical mysteries, and, together, we discovered out weakness and worked to improve our skills. In 2010, we marched our way to the states round of MathCounts, and two continued to compete nationally. I was honored to have coached this team and proud of our accomplishments. Through this experience, I tasted the pride and grandeur of the teacher.

Do you think this answers the prompt well?

ershad193 14 / 321  
Aug 27, 2010   #2
I like your starting sentence. However, you make a poor job of linking it with the rest of the essay. Right now it's hanging there alone. You should incorporate that with teaching -- how the best teachers are the ones who remain lifelong obstinate learners.

You make a similar observation here: "I learned that the great teacher learns with his students"
This is good, but there should be more. Cut some, add some.

No other venture offers the gifts and gratification of experience

This is a useless sentence.

Teaching is the noblest deed a person can partake of in his lifetime.

This one too. We all know how noble teaching is.
OP freezard7734 17 / 144  
Aug 27, 2010   #3
Hmmm... I think you are misunderstanding my main idea...My main point was that I love to teach... not that I'm an obstinate learner. That sentence was just an introduction to a small anecdote that would lead to my main point... Am I not doing this right? -.- ... If you don't mind, could you take a look at the actual essay I took this from? The prompts were similar, so I tried to recycle it so that I wouldn't have to write a new one: https://essayforum.com/undergraduate/obstinate-learner-quality-experience-18146/

Oh - and another question:
Is "a love for teaching" considered a personality?
ershad193 14 / 321  
Aug 27, 2010   #4
I think you are misunderstanding my main idea.

I think that is one of the problems. When I read the essay, I felt that it is on your love for teaching. However, when you brought up that point about learning with students, I became unsure. So right now your essay has two distinct themes which are not properly interlinked.

Anyway, I think it would be great if you can incorporate the obstinate learning thing with the main theme.
^^It's a personal opinion though.

Is "a love for teaching" considered a personality?

Personality is a broad term. According to the prompt, you're supposed to talk about an attribute of your personality, and "love for teaching" should qualify as an attribute.

I've read the other essay. I think it suffers from the same problem. However, since that one is a bit wordier, you can get away with it. The anecdote you are referring to is on a completely different topic -- at least it seems to me that way. You can write an entire essay on "obstinate learning."
OP freezard7734 17 / 144  
Aug 27, 2010   #5
Thanks for the comments. I also think that the best way to go about the problem is to somehow fuse the two ideas together. I'm going to work on that now. :]
ershad193 14 / 321  
Aug 28, 2010   #6
I had scorned the profession; ironically, I later found to my surprise

I forgot to point out this in the first draft. The transition here is too abrupt for my liking. I think it would be great if your essay had the following organisation:

You hated teachers.
You had one (or two) experience which resulted in a paradigm shift. (Right here you can put the "ironically" part)
Now you like teaching. (You can explain why)

I think in this way it would be easier for the reader to follow your train of thought.

You can disagree, of course.


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