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Why my maturity will make me successful in life--Prompt 1


ntgsantos 2 / 3  
Nov 23, 2010   #1
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

When contemplating on a personal quality or talent that is important to me, the first word that comes to mind is maturity. I have spent my life focused on bettering myself as a person while also playing a major role in my family. In order for me to stay focused in school while working full-time, emotionally and financially assisting my family and more importantly, myself, I have had to adapt to a higher level of maturity not commonly found within people my age. As a daughter I have helped my father communicate with others due to a disability from a stroke while also helping my mother with the bills and raising my younger adolescent sister. I grew up a bit faster compared to my peers because of these family circumstances which I have no shame in whatsoever. Aside from my familial responsibilities I also have responsibilities to myself. I dedicate about thirty-five to forty hours a week at Nordstrom as a sales associate working solely on commission while also remaining focused on my studies. In the beginning it took a lot of adjusting to attain such a well-balanced life and I must admit it was a struggle working full-time while also being a full-time student. I have learned to find a balance between work and school and also between my family and myself as an individual. Leading a well-balanced life has helped me build character. Growing up I never would have thought my life would turn out the way it has because of my father's stroke. Although traumatic events can cause pain, they can also bring forth new beginnings and strength. I have gained infinite amounts of lessons because I have always tried to conquer all the challenges life has faced me with. Whether these challenges are from within or with the outer world, I have dealt with them as best as I can with no regrets, but with hopes for a better future. My focus has been to make the best of my life, which for me is working to support myself, furthering my education, being the best daughter and sister I can be, and gradually building on a better me. Upholding such a strong role in my family and having to be dependent on my own income along with my reliance on financial aid has been of utmost priority to me, which may explain my lack of participation in extra curricular activities in college. As much as I would have loved to dedicate myself to activities I enjoyed in high school such as choir and student government, I had to accept the fact that I have different circumstances. Despite this fact I would prefer to believe that I have attempted to excel in all areas of my life and hope to continue to do so through continuing my education. My maturity has helped me develop a strong sense of self-identity along with a balance of the more important matters in my life-family, education and finding my place in the world.

nicolee 1 / 2  
Nov 23, 2010   #2
Hi there, good try on the essay, but there's a lot to work on.

Change the first sentence. College essay readers want you to state it in a creative manner. Don't try to use the question and make it your first sentence. Try something like "Although many people in my 6th grade talked about games and toys, I was one of the few who thought of maturing myself to adulthood."

More technical stuff...

When contemplating on a personal quality or talent that is important to me, the first word that comes to mind is maturity. I have spent my life focused on bettering myself as a person while also playing a major role in my family.While maturing and bettering myself, I slowly took on a major role in my family.In order for me to stay focused in school while working full-time, emotionally and financially assisting my family and more importantly, myself, I have had to adapt to a higher level of maturity not commonly found within people my age.Even though I was still in school, I had to take on a job to help my family financially;As a daughter, I have helped my father communicate with others due to a disability from a stroke while also helping my mother with the bills and raising my younger adolescent sister.Because my father had a stroke, he developed communication disabilities, which required me to help him communicate to others. While trying to help my father, I helped my mother with the bills and took care of my younger sister.I grew up a bit faster compared to my peers because of these family circumstances which I have no shame in whatsoever. Aside from my familial responsibilities I also have responsibilities to myself. I dedicate about thirty-five to forty hours a week at Nordstrom as a sales associate working solely on commission while also remaining focused on my studies. In the beginning it took a lot of adjusting to attain such a well-balanced life and I must admit it was a struggle working full-time while also being a full-time student. I have learned to find a balance between work and school and also between my family and myself as an individual. Leading a well-balanced life has helped me build character. Growing up I never would have thought my life would turn out the way it has because of my father's stroke. Although traumatic events can cause pain, they can also bring forth new beginnings and strength. I have gained infinite amounts of lessons because I have always tried to conquer all the challenges life has faced me with. Whether these challenges are from within or with the outer world, I have dealt with them as best as I can with no regrets, but with hopes for a better future. My focus has been to make the best of my life, which for me is working to support myself, furthering my education, being the best daughter and sister I can be, and gradually building on a better me. Upholding such a strong role in my family and having to be dependent on my own income along with my reliance on financial aid has been of utmost priority to me, which may explain my lack of participation in extra curricular activities in college. As much as I would have loved to dedicate myself to activities I enjoyed in high school such as choir and student government, I had to accept the fact that I have different circumstances. Despite this fact I would prefer to believe that I have attempted to excel in all areas of my life and hope to continue to do so through continuing my education. My maturity has helped me develop a strong sense of self-identity along with a balance of the more important matters in my life-family, education and finding my place in the world.

I'm not going to edit all of it, but most of your sentences require commas, semi-colons, and other breaks. You have a lot of run ons so split it up by adding a period. Try reading it aloud, because once you do, you'll realize how the sentence sounds awkward. Don't continuously state that you are mature because of this and that. Instead, mention why you are mature in the beginning and then state examples after it. Look up some of your words in a thesaurus. Try to avoid "I would" because I see a lot of it. If this is your first draft, keep trying then.
OP ntgsantos 2 / 3  
Nov 23, 2010   #3
Thank you! Yes it is my first draft, I just wrote it quickly when I finally found what to write about.. thank you i will work on your suggestions.


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