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"I may be a Korean by birth"- significant experience and its impact on you-Common App



EdCho 4 / 9  
Sep 6, 2010   #1
Hello
I m planning to send this essay to NYU, Cornell, UC etc
Since im not a native english speaker.. there might be some grammar mistakes... :)
im worried that my essay is not that.. touching.. or is it?

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (mine is 520 words)

"If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us," the saying goes, "we'd all be millionaires." In my life, there is one unforgettable experience that I consider truly priceless. When I was in 7th grade, I flew from Korea to Australia as part of a two-month student exchange program. Prior to this I had never traveled abroad. In fact, I had little interest in the world outside of Korea and had lived a sheltered life. That created some naive assumptions on my part. For example, I had watched a number of foreign movies where cowboys kill aboriginals or enslave black people and from that I deduced that Caucasians are unfriendly and cruel. As a result I was wary of them.

In Australia, the school I attended was predominantly white. Actually, I was the only Asian in the class. I worried that the students may mistreat me. The first day, as I entered the classroom, I tried to be calm and quietly took a seat in the corner so that no one would notice me. I had no sooner sat down when one of the students, Thandi, tossed a rubber eraser on my desk. The racism has started already I thought. However I would quickly learn how wrong I was.

The student waved at me and said, "Hi." The object she tossed had simply been a way to get my attention. Later that day, the teacher and the other students greeted me enthusiastically. Each day afterward, my classmates talked to me and in my limited English, I did my best to answer. They included me in their sports games and invited me to hang out with them after school. Moreover, all the teachers and even the principal talked to us as friends. The principal even cooked barbeques for the students. You would never see that happen in Korea. My prejudices quickly began to fade.

The ultimate turning point for me however, occurred on my birthday. When I walked into class that day I realized the lights were turned off. Moments later, my classmates shouted, "Surprise!" and began singing "Happy Birthday." Sparklers burst aflame, and someone carried a special birthday cake they had made for me. I was deeply moved. I remember I tried to hold back my teachers but was not able to when all the students from the school said bye at the last day of school.

That two-month stay in Australia, totally transformed my thinking about "foreigners." I realized how terribly wrong and prejudicial I had been about others. My Australian experience had been so positive that I now had a burning desire to see more of the world and interact with other nationalities and cultures. It wasn't long before my family decided to grant that desire and we moved to Canada to continue my education. During the past three years I have learned English and developed wonderful friendships. I have grown as a person in my understanding of other cultures and have learned how to embrace them. I may be a Korean by birth but I now feel I am really a citizen of the world.

PurpleBook 1 / 8  
Sep 6, 2010   #2
Wow, I think it was an impressive essay. Considering that you are not a native english speaker, I think the essay was generally well-written. The content relates well to the question. However, there were several grammatical errors and also some sentence constructions that seemed inappropriate to me. Perhaps you have yet to reread and edit it?

Para1:

In my life, there is one unforgettable experience that I consider truly priceless.

In my life, there was one unforgettable experience..
( The experience was in the past)

Para2:

The principal even cooked barbeques for the students. You would never see that happen in Korea.

The principal even barbequed for the students.
(The term barbecue refers to the meat being roasted. So it doesn't make sense to say 'cooked, roasted meat'.)

Para4:

That two-month stay in Australia, totally transformed my thinking about "foreigners." I realized how terribly wrong and prejudicial I had been about others.

"Foreigners" and ' others', did you mean only Caucasians? I feel that you should be specific here. Because, from this context, I think it could only be referring to Caucasians.

My Australian experience had been so positive that I now had a burning desire to see more of the world and interact with other nationalities and cultures.

My experience in Australia had been so positive that I now have ..

To be frank, I am only a secondary school student, myself. So the feedbacks I gave may not be entirely accurate.

Anyway, I am pretty touched by these 2 lines:

burning desire to see more of the world and interact with other nationalities and cultures.

I may be a Korean by birth but I now feel I am really a citizen of the world.

I think you have a fair chance of getting enrolled into the University if you presented this essay. This is definitely better than the personal statement I had sent to the college that have already accepted me. :D All the best to you! Thanks for your comments on my essay! :D
KathyLala 20 / 114  
Sep 6, 2010   #3
Your essay is smooth, sounding it's truly your tone in general. Yet, definately it's your, but I have something minor
The first day=>On the first day
However I would quickly learn how wrong I was=> Howeve, I would..
Maybe don't shift from I to you for this sentence You would never => I would never
That two-month stay in Australia=>stayed
OP EdCho 4 / 9  
Sep 7, 2010   #4
thank you for ur sincere reply!!
i was waiting for this kind of feedback

thx a lot!
kgb66 4 / 12  
Sep 7, 2010   #5
I remember I tried to hold back my teachers but was not able to when all the students from the school said bye at the last day of school. were you holding back the teachers or the tears? when the students said good bye

My Australian experience had been so positive that I now had a burning desire to see more of the world and interact with other nationalities and cultures. It wasn't long before my family decided to grant that desire and we moved to Canada to continue my education. (maybe just because I am tired but this last sentence seems to shift tense to me, I think because the preceding one as a present sense in it as well as a past)

During the past three years I have learned English and developed wonderful friendships. I have grown as a person in my understanding of other cultures and have learned how to embrace them. I may be a Korean by birth but I now feel I am really a citizen of the world.

(I would like to let you know that as an Aussie myself I was more than delighted to read your essay and discover your experience had been a positive one! Best wishes for your future.)
OP EdCho 4 / 9  
Sep 7, 2010   #6
Thanks kgb66

ive been to several countries.. japan, US, Phillpine, Canada
but my Australian experience was the most precious and unforgettable one..

god.. i now feel nostalgic :(
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Sep 7, 2010   #7
Later that day, the teacher and the other students greeted me enthusiastically. Each day afterward, my classmates talked to me, and in my limited English I did my best to answer.---- I moved a comma.

This is a very uplifting essay. I wish more people had positive stories to tell. Some people really face a lot of racism. It is so interesting, though, that people can become racist because of the past racism of others. For example, the racist actions of white people of the past made you have racist ideas against white people in the present.

This is very thoughtful, and it shows that you are appreciative and that you are a deep thinker.
kgb66 4 / 12  
Sep 7, 2010   #8
Ed, I would be honoured if you could read my essay submissions. no bites yet so far for me! Thanks


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