Today, 04:37pm #1
I need help with my statement below to assure that I have properly articulated my personal circumstance without appearing to be offering an excuse. I appreciate any help offered and will be timely in my reply to your assistance. Thank you.
This section should be used to bring to the attention of the Admissions Committee any information not previously discussed throughout your Supplemental Application.
My Personal Statement touched on a medical issue that has affected my life since adolescence. I have severe psoriasis. In the fall of 2008, my doctor prescribed an advanced biological drug called Embrel. I commenced daily injections on October 26th, 2008. Several days later, I began experiencing nausea, fatigue, and had difficulty concentrating. Those side effects should have tapered off within ten days; however, they did not, so three weeks later I stopped taking the medication. It took an additional two weeks before I felt normal again.
At the time I started the Embrel treatment, I had just completed all course work through midterm and by then I had three As and one B. My final semester grades were two Ds, a C, and a B. My cumulative GPA dropped from 3.79 to 3.42, while my science GPA moved from 3.76 to 3.29.
During the semester I attended all classes, never missed a one. I kept on studying, did not miss a beat. However, while studying it was noticeable that my capacity to concentrate was just not there. I would fatigue out. So I worked harder. I really thought I would overcome it. That was undoubtedly my competitive nature kicking in as a sport's competitor. When I took my final exams, it was as if my brain was wiped clean. Nothing there, it was then too late.
Looking back on that semester is still painful. Not so much for the tarnishing of my past and present academic achievements, but rather for casually dismissing any concern over the side effects in my desire to find a cure.
My Personal Statement touched on a medical issue that has affected my life since adolescence. I have severe psoriasis.
Oh man... I'm really sorry to hear that.
Those side effects should have tapered off within ten days. They did not, and three weeks later I stopped treatment.
You could add a conjunction between these sentence to connect these thoughts:
"Those side effects ... days; however, they did not, so three weeks later I stopped taking the medication."
At the time I started the Embrel treatment,
Instead of "At the time" I think you should use "Before"
The latter deserves equal, if not additional consideration.
What is the "latter" here? I'm a little bit confused...
I agree the conjunction works better.
Use of "Before" reads better.
In latter, I'm referring to the previous sentence "limitations". Is there a better way to restate?
At the time I started the Embrel treatment, I had completed all course work through midterm and had then; three A's and one B. My final semester grades were two D's, a C, and a B. My cumulative GPA dropped from 3.79 to 3.42, while my science GPA moved from 3.76 to 3.29.
Change it to: and by then I had three As and one B. There is no "'" after the letter A, by the way. As in the first part of the sentence: My final semester grades were two Ds, a C, and a B.
I am sorry to hear about your skin disease. Hope that someday they can come up with something better for you. Good luck!
Mark
Do you like "At the time I started" or "Before I started".
Also, do you think this statement conveys a positive message or will it leave the admission's reader wondering?
Thanks for your thoughts on my disease. I started a new treatment based on research that I compiled and it's working. While there is no cure, at least now it is being held in check. That is about all one can hope for.
S Frick,
That depends on when it started. If the problems started before, then write before, otherwise stick with at the time.
Yes, I think that your statement conveys a positive message -- it's also a powerful one.
As far as Embrel goes, what happened to the other, topical treatments, don't they work?
Mark
Topical treatments had no effect, other than the side effects. Psoriasis effects people differently and some treatments work and some don't. I started on topicals first but quickly progressed to biologicals to try to stop the advancement. The biggest problem with the biologicals are the side effects. I'm now on Photochemotherapy which has worked well.
I believe this anomaly was directly related to the side effects of Embrel. In retrospect, I should have taken a medical leave when it became evident that I was struggling. I believed I would succeed. I was wro ng.
Here is the section to cut out, and you can replace it with a something like this: I lost my focus during the months I experimented with medications, and I hope I can have another chance to show my seriousness as a student. That section I cut out was too negative, focusing too much on the shortcomings. Everyone loses their focus sometimes, so it is okay.
You can even mention that you know you should take responsibility rather than using it as an excuse, but that it was a learning experience.
The message is like this: I am ready to work to my full potential!
Kevin
Your point is well taken. However, I did not lose focus.That's the rub of it. As I stated, I attended all classes, never missed a one. Kept on studying, did not miss a beat. While studying it was noticible that my capacity to concentrate was just not there. I would fatigue out. So I worked harder. I really thought I would over come it. That was probably my competitive nature kicking in as a sport competitor. When I took my final exams, it was as if my brain was wiped clean. Nothing there. It was then too late.
I see what you mean. Well, actually, some of these sentences are very good... I like this:
While studying it was noticeable that my capacity to concentrate was just not there. I would fatigue out.
It must be really frustrating to know your outcome does not reflect your potential.
When I was in high school, I had a twitch disorder called "chronic tick syndrome," and they put me on something called haldol, which made me very tired. Similarly, some low quality foods can make it more difficult to concentrate. It is great that you know yourself a little better now after the experience.
In your essay, I think you do not quite convey this notion that you convey here:
However, I did not lose focus.That's the rub of it. As I stated, I attended all classes, never missed a one. Kept on studying, did not miss a beat...So I worked harder. I really thought I would over come it. ... When I took my final exams, it was as if my brain was wiped clean. Nothing there. It was then too late.
---- Now THIS is good writing. You really share something here about the experience.
In the essay, as written, it seems that it COULD be just an "excuse" for poor grades. But in the sentences I quoted about you did a great job of conveying what you mean.
Kevin.. I believe you have made valid points. Hopefully, this now hits the mark. Thank you and all for the help.
Oh, excellent. Now if you can, it would be great to add a joke right near the beginning. Not really a joke, but just some funny observation.
If you do that, it'll accentuate the seriousness at the end and, more importantly, make the reader feel relaxed.
Kevin,
Good thought indeed! I think I've come up with the perfect ending:
Looking back on that semester is still painful. Not so much for the tarnishing of my past and present academic achievements, but rather for casually dismissing any concern over the side effects in my desire to find a cure. Now as I look in the mirror I see normal, or is that diversity staring back at me.
I like it! Use a question mark:
Now as I look in the mirror I see "normal" -- or is that diversity staring back at me?