"Meeting different, diverse people" - Columbia Supplement Essay

Hi all,

This is my essay response to the Columbia Supplement. I would really appreciate it if I could get some feedback on my writing, as well as any grammar mistakes that might be there.

Prompt: Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why (1500 character limit)

The first thing I noticed when I stepped onto the streets of Manhattan this past August was the multitude of languages spoken by those who walked by. Within five minutes, I heard two men speaking French, a family talking in Spanish, and even a woman on her cell phone mumbling in an unidentifiable language. I felt I had been thrust into a diverse microcosm of cultures that existed in harmony with one another, a city reflecting the multiplicity of the cultures of the world. Upon entering the small 32-acre Morningside Heights campus, I was initially surprised by the quaintness, a sharp contrast from the bustle outside. The school seems well sheltered from the city, with two iron-gate entrances built directly across campus from one another and buildings that enfold the university; an ideal atmosphere for learning in the otherwise excitingly sundry environment of Manhattan. At the same time, such an enclosed area by no means takes away the experience of living in one of the most ethnically rich areas in the world; as well as providing ready access to the city just outside, Columbia also affirms in its mission statement that it "seeks to attract a diverse and international faculty and student body." For me, attending Columbia and living in such a setting would be an incredible prospect; I would have the opportunity to connect with and learn from people of different backgrounds through Columbia's defining Core Curriculum, and also find virtues that we, as people, all share.

Thanks,
Natalie

Your essay was well written. Here just some suggestion you might find useful:
multitude of languages--> I think variety might sound a little bit more clear


--> with two iron gates on both end of the campus (I thinks that's what you mean)

The first part talks about diversity, I think it's good, but the second part kinda eh. You kinda contradict yourself saying the school shelter from the diversity culture which made it better for learning (that makes the first one sound negative). Instead of talking about the school campus, how about academic wise. How Columbia gonna help you in your future career/goal.

Hope it helps a bit. Good luck.

...speaking French, a family talking conversing in Spanish, and even a woman on her cell phone mumbling in an unidentifiable language. ---- I don't know how to explain why I suggest this change.

:-)

I don't think you used microcosm correctly! But I could be wrong...

also find virtues that we, as people, all share.---- another suggestion i do not know how to explain! :-)

This is very clever... great job!

Hello, I think I filled up this supplement as well, the one for columbia, and I must say it is incredibly well written. However, don't go with the whole "new york is diverse", "your campus is beautiful" theme; a lot of people are going to say that and those are the most obvious things, the kind of things they dont want to hear again.

Talk about columbia seminars, which are accessible starting during the very first years of undergraduate education, and talk about your desire to compete and rival any other applicants. it would make your supplement even more promising.

Thanks for your advice, everyone!