"Melinda! Come on! We are going to lose! Hurry up!" We were all playing cops and robbers, it was fun, but when Melinda was on my team we always seemed to lose. I did not know at the time that Melinda suffered from a heart problem. Her heart beat slower then everyone else's heart. Melinda's condition led to my interest in science. I ruminated for weeks about the mere fact that she had a machine in her heart, and that she was alive because of that machine.
She told me about it one day when she found out her mom was being sent off to war. I found Melinda crying, she was scared for her mom and her family. I reassured her that everything would be all right, that her mom would be fine, and that she would be fine. Who knows how long we sat there, I was chattering off as always, non-sense really, anything to make her feel better. Midway through talking about the newest episode of Spy Girls, Melinda sat up, wiped her tears away and gave a quick and quiet giggle. Truthfully, I felt a great weight lift had been lifted; as I would have started to cry soon, along with her, if she had not stopped.
She told me that her mom and dad were both soldiers and she rarely ever gets to see them both at the same time. She wanted to be a soldier too, but her heart would not let her. Her mom had explained to her one day, that her heart beat very slowly and that she did not get a sufficient amount of air because of it. When Melinda was younger, they placed a mechanism in her chest. The way she explained it to me that day was that "These tiny strings send lightening into my heart so it can beat just like yours." I was in the 5th grade, and I simply could not believe what my ears were hearing. For a second I thought she had invented the whole story, but she showed me a little scar she had near her collarbone. I could not wait to get home and ask my mom about it.
When my mom told me it was true, I got slightly paranoid. If it happened to Melinda, it could happen to me and I was hell bent to find a solution to this. I went to search online, eventually I came to a page that explained it all. I read and learned all one could understand at a young age about peacemakers and artificial hearts, lungs and legs. I read about kids of all ages that had to use these machines, just do the things I did every day. Just to breathe, walk and live.
I wanted to help Melinda and all those kids. I was not very realistic at the time and I attempted to make a pacemaker. I cut out some cardboard and attached a battery to it. I thought that would do. I gave one to Melinda on Christmas and she loved it. Although it was not real and although it could not help, I found myself very proud. It is hard to explain, but what I felt that day, when Melinda hugged me, was happiness. That is the feeling one might wish to feel every day.
I found that now, as a young adult, I still want to help Melinda and others like her. Melinda's tears were catalyzing for the rest of my life, my deep passion for science and math, and my need to help others. This is why I have chosen a career in the biomedical engineering.
Thank you for reading and I'll gladly read your essays as well!
Your essay is very interesting and sweet. Here are a few fixes;
...but when Melinda was on my team we always seemed to lose.
I did not know at the time that Melinda suffered from a heart problem.
She told me about it one day when she found out her mom was being sent off to war.
Truthfully, I felt a great weight had been lifted, as I would have started to cry soon, along with her, if she had not stopped.
This is why I have chosen a career in engineering.
I have been suffer the same symptom as well.The essay is simple, and that is what makes it shines! I really like the non-pretentious tone, and the essay focuses on the top. The ending is remarkable.
However, I have see many essay like this kind. So, in order to stand out, you need to focus more on describing you internal reaction. Quote Hillary Clinton, "don't tell me, show me."
Thank you all.
I really don't know how to show it. I kinda thought i was doing that... but i quess not... I'll work more on it.
And yea that sentence was bothering me too, i jsut didn't know how to fix it i will change it to how you have it.
