Please, is this response effective? Is there any way I can improve on it, grammatically and otherwise?
Prompt- How have you been in contact with Sewanee?
When I first perused Sewanee's website, I was hesitant. Could this be? A community as sensitive to its environment as I am?. The summer I visited the Obudu Mountain Resort was my most memorable holiday. I was only ten but I instantly felt at home within massive rocks, cascading waterfalls and vibrant green leaves. At this age I developed a complete connection with the verdant landscape and preferred watching everything from the top. I enjoyed riding the slow-paced cable cars and traveling the frightful canopy walk.
The 13,000 acre Sewanee Domain reminds me so much of that summer. I am excited about the prospect of revisiting the Canopy Walk! I look forward to taking in every inch of Sewanee's scenery with the Green's View and taking part in the myriad of stimulating activities Sewanee Outing Program has to offer -from Mountain Biking to Kayaking.
I'd be equally honored to give back to Sewanee's environment by engaging in any of the programs organized by the student body dedicated to this cause particularly living in the Green House. It is a small but impressive effort towards this effect.
Sewanee's tightly bonded community gives me the benefit of sharing these great experiences with both students and teachers. I will ultimately grow by challenging myself in every way.
Hi! Thanks for commenting on my essay; I'm here to return the favor. :) I like doing an in-line critique, I'll have more general things at the end.
When I first perused Sewanee's website, I was hesitant.< Passive. How were you hesitant? If you can find a more active way of putting this, that's fantastic. If not, this is acceptable too. || Could this be? A community as sensitive to its environment as I am?.The summer I visited the Obudu Mountain Resort was my most memorable holiday.< This sentence is a really big jump from 'environment sensitivity' to 'my summer.' Try transitioning into this better. Also, as it's a new topic, this should be in a new paragraph. || I was only ten but I instantly felt at home within massive rocks, cascading waterfalls and vibrant green leaves. At this age I developed a complete connection< Not sure this is the correct wording. 'binding' connection, perhaps? "Complete connection" feels weird to me- unfortunately I cannot articulate why that is. || with the verdant landscape and preferred watching everything< What does this "everything" refer to? People, animals, trees? || from the top. < You can use this sentence and move it to the beginning of your 'my summer' subject change. || I enjoyed riding the slow-paced cable cars and traveling< Not sure you can travel a walk. You can 'trek' or 'hike,' however. || the frightful canopy walk.
The 13,000 acre < Does the acreage matter? || Sewanee Domain reminds me so much of that summer. I am excited about the prospect of revisiting the Canopy Walk!. I look forward to taking in every inch of Sewanee's scenery with the Green's View and taking< You use 'taking' twice in the same sentence in different senses without its being a zeugma, (i.e. John and his license expired last week). Try a different wording. || part in the myriad of stimulating activities the Sewanee Outing Program has to offer -from Mountain Biking to Kayaking.
I'd be equally honored to give back to Sewanee's environment by engaging in any of the programs organized by the student body dedicated to this cause; or - particularly living in the Green House. It is a small but impressive effort towards this effect. < Which effect? This paragraph is confusing-I'd want clarification. ||
Sewanee's tightly- bonded community gives me the benefit of sharing these great experiences with both students and teachers. I will ultimately grow by challenging myself in every way.
---
Good essay! You have good grammar and a grasp of more complicated vocabulary (myriad, etc.) That said, there are a few things:
- You need to work on your transitions. Like I said above, you jump around from one topic to the other and we're jarred around a bit.
- I'm not 100% sure that your essay answers the prompt. It feels more like you're talking about 'what you'd like to experience' at Sewanee and less 'how you've been in contact.' If I'm wrong on that, please let me know.
Beyond that, great job! I'm really interested to know more about this Obudu Mountain Resort, so I'm going to go look that up now. :)
Hahaha,you had better!( talking about looking up Obudu). I actually wrote the size because it was mentioned about three billion times on Sewanee's website that I thought it was probably important to mention it in my essay too.
Yes you're absolutely right.I mistakenly put the wrong prompt up. The real prompt for this essay is 'How is Sewanee a good fit for you?'. I hope the essay answers that.
Thank you so much for editing my essay. Everything you wrote was really helpful and I'm certainly taking them into consideration while I rewrite the essay. The problem I have now is cutting down the essay to 150 words which is the word limit :(
Well, that certainly explains the confusion I had about the prompt. XD (Best double-check that when you submit the essay, too!)
If you really need wordcount, you can cut out the size. Otherwise, good luck! Word limits suck (though I've found out by reading a lot that if yo uhave something really important to say, they're a bit lenient. They don't actually count words? Take it with a grain of salt, but I hope you can figure the wc out!)
I thought you should see my final draft and tell me what you think.
When I first perused Sewanee's website I wondered. Could this be? A community as sensitive to the environment as I am?
The Sewanee experience reminds me of a summer at the Obudu mountain resort when I felt like I belonged among rocks, cascading waterfalls and vibrant green leaves. The outcrops and caves, forest trees and lakes are as breath-taking as those at Sewanee. So I see Sewanee as not only a place to relive past memories but also a place to make new ones.
Revisiting the canopy walk, mountain biking and kayaking are a few of the activities that would achieve that. Even while indoors at the Green House I can be a part of the beautiful scenery by helping to protect it- maybe by writing an article for the Sewanee purple about it.
Sewanee's close community gives me the benefit of sharing these great memories with family -students and teachers. Right here at Sewanee, there is nothing to lose.
You have not understood the question.
"How have you been in contact with Sewanee?" It's not asking why you find Sewanee an appealing institution. It's asking how you've been in contact with the institution (email, phone, visits).
Actually, I know that. I apologize.This isn't the real essay prompt. I put it up by mistake. The real one is "After hearing about Sewanee, why do you think it is a good fit for you? Please could you critique my essay with this prompt in mind?
I'm not certain what you want to say with the last sentence, but otherwise I think it's a good essay.
