"my memories" - Help revise my UC personal statement!

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

As cliche as it sounds, my memories are what makes me who I am. Looking back at my past is something that always will affect me just as much as my present. Nothing is able to create an emotional high for me as much as spending time with friends and playing a good game of paintball does. And nothing is able to drive me to an all-time low like thinking about how regretful I am that I never really spent time with my Grandfather before he died. All of these sometimes bitter, and oftentimes sweet memories have affected both my goals and my aspirations. Without the experiences that I have had, both good and bad, I would be a completely different person.

So far into my seventeen year old life, nothing has affected me so much as the death my first dog Mika, a robust but overweight Rhodesian Ridgeback. He was the most gentle, yet protective creature I have even known. He was always able to cheer me up when I was down, and entice me to play when bored. The best way that I could possibly describe Mika is that "he was a lover", as my mother often exclaims when he comes up in a conversation. When he was only five years old he became very sickly. Mika was always a big dog, yet, for unknown reasons to everyone, he began to lose personality and gradually wither away. We no longer played together and as much as I wished we could, I knew that he could no longer handle it.

With Mika, I was not only losing a dog, I was losing a best friend. He helped me through childish fights, starting a new school and multiple injuries and sicknesses where I was confined to staying at home. And here I was, watching my best friend slowly die. No vet that we took him to could figure out what he was plagued with, no medicine he took would ease his pain. I recall thinking back then that if only I knew what was wrong with him, I could easily cure him. Sadly though, no one knew what was wrong with him and he had to be put to sleep.

Now, almost five years later, I still find myself thinking about him, and how much I wish I could have found a way to make him better, or even just numb to his suffering. His death made me realize one important thing: No one should ever lose someone or something that they love without a reason. My goals for the future rely on the thought that with enough education and trial, I will be able to help people find cause for a death or sickness. I would like to be able to understand diseases and prevent them from harming others. I believe that what happened to Mika, all though very painful to witness, was beneficial to me because it gave me goals and dreams where before I would have had none.

If you know it sounds cliche, why don't you think of more original phrasing. And yes, it is cliche.


As is this. Or perhaps trite would be a better word?


Spending time with your friends makes you happy! Shocking!


The old loss of a grandparent made you sad! Your emotions are so wildly different from anyone else's! Thank whatever deity you believe in that you explained them to me. Also, the loss of grandparent is only slightly less common, and hence dull to read about, as a topic for these sorts of essays than the loss of a beloved pet.


And back to trite, general statements that tell us nothing about you.


Oh, dear God, that's it! I stopped at this point. You actually are going to write about the death of a beloved pet! I was worried about my previous comment on the grounds it might seem like trivializing the death of your grandfather, but you actually did find the loss of a pet more worth writing about.

You need to capture the reader's interest right way in this sort of essay, and your current introduction doesn't do that, to say the least. If you must write on this topic, launch into it directly. Also, make sure the essay says something good about you, rather than about your dog, as it is you, and not the dog, that wishes to be admitted.