just need a revision please and thank you.
It is five o'clock on a blistering May morning, and I quietly gather in the courtyard with dozens of other devoted teenagers. I put on my work gloves, mosquito repellant, and grab a bottle of water for the lengthy walk to the orphanage shelter. As I explore the city, I witness unclothed children, houses made of twigs covered in untamed vines, and stray cats roaming carelessly. Finally, I draw near to my destination. There, I embark on the project of creating a bathroom for these unfortunate children.
During the summer of 2006 I decided to go on a mission trip to help the inopportune in Jamaica. Though I never had any prior experience, I became particularly interested after hearing of the success and satisfaction my cousin felt from going to Haiti. As a result, that April, I doggedly sent out letters to relatives and close friends asking for financial support and encouragement. After two long weeks of doing research and raising money, I finally raised enough to go to Montego Bay, a small town clothed in frail humanity.
Upon arriving to our residence for the week, I soon discovered it was inundated with mosquitoes and lacked the pleasures of electricity. However, this setback only pushed me to work harder for these adverse individuals who lived like this every day of their lives. Our focal objective was to construct a bathroom for an orphanage filled with children that had been raped, abused, or abandoned as babies. Sadly, most of these adolescents contained the HIV AIDS virus, or other sexually transmitted diseases. My first task was to make a foundation for the restroom. As I poured wet cement into the baseboards, a little girl caught my peripheral. She was isolated in the corner, feet as rough as a stray dog's; skin sensitive, yet powerlessly ashy. Graciously, I walked over to talk to her and make her feel as a part of the team. I discovered she was abandoned as a baby and never knew her mother. Moreover, I learned that she volunteered at a nursing home on weekends, which absolutely blew me away. How could a child so fragile and poor still have the heart to help those that are even worse off than her? The answer is a mystery. But the compassion that little girl had outdid that of a thousand angels. We exchanged addresses, and from that point on we promised to send a letter updating each other every month.
The little girl changed my perception on life forever. No matter how hard we try to avoid it, people are always going to need assistance and I am the remedy. I can make a difference. I have been blessed with many gifts; for instance, athletic talents, a strong academic mind, and a heart that will always provide love for those who need it. Therefore, I feel that it is my responsibility to share my gifts with others and to use them to their full potentials.
Our focal objective was to construct a bathroom for an orphanage filled with children that had been raped, abused, or abandoned as babies. Sadly, most of these adolescents contained the HIV AIDS virus, or other sexually transmitted diseases.
Overall I thought it was very good, definitely a unique experience. The above sentences were a bit awkward, particularly the words in red. I think that focal objective sounds a little out of place and perhaps a bit too wordy for what your really trying to say. Also, rewriting "contained the HIVS AIDS virus" would be good too. Contained doesn't really fit IMO.
Graciously , I walked over to ...
I think you should also talk about the part time job you held during your process of raising money; some readers may be put off by part about solicitation of money from everyone you know... even though you were a kid, it would be good to emphasize the active role you took in making money for the trip... just for a sentence or so.
All your admissions essays should be focused on expressing to the reader that you have a well-defined, clear vision for your future. No one has the audacity to deny admission to someone whose life is all planned out. :-) So, at the end, it will be great if you make a connection with your intentions for college and beyond.
