Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why
I had always known that my interest in math/science would lead me somewhere into the engineering department. However, I later began growing an interest in visual arts, and became interested in making my own animations on Adobe Flash. After watching Steve Jobs' movie, I felt ecstatic about the endless opportunities that being an Electrical Engineer will give me, where I could combine both my interest in animation and sciences. I was fascinated by how a simple circuit board, transistors, connectors, could make such a device. I began researching about circuit theorems, and algorithms, and so desperately wanted to make my own robot, or video game, that might impact future generations. With MIT's EECS department, and greatest renowned faculty, I will be able to become just like the innovators that I look up to. With MIT's UROP faculty, where application of knowledge is just as important as the education, I will be able to apply all that I'll learn into making something great, an innovation a world has yet to see.
Should I focus on any part more than I already have?
You have spent too much of the essay discussing your developing interest in EECS instead of discussing why this particular program at MIT appeals to you. Revise the essay in such a manner that you will be able to present reasons as to why you are attracted to MIT, specifically, the EECS program. Remember, your major is not set in stone at the time that you write this essay. So take it easy and just lightly explain your interest in the EECS program of MIT. You can still use the information you related at the start of the essay, all you have to do is spread it out within the revised essay. Let's try to work on a new draft that better addresses the essay prompt at this point :-) By the way, don't forget to let me know if you have a word limit on the essay. That matters a lot in the editing and writing of the revisions :-)
Many engineers I've met cannot apply their college education into actually making things like devices, or programs. Growing up, I always had thought engineering as a combination of math and science, and frowned as I was more interested in creating something. After coming across MIT's EECS program, I found a curriculum unlike most, that focuses on students being taught how to apply their use of algorithms and circuits into making devices, instead of just knowing what it is. Under the supervision of the world's greatest researchers and a great UROP faculty, students at MIT are given endless opportunities to build robots, designing video games, and make their own devices. I want to be at an environment, where I am given these remarkable opportunities to get a hands-on experience, and create something of my own.
Okay so here's a rewrite, I think some aspects of it can be written in a more interesting way, but it pretty much sums up my interest in their importance of application. The word limit is 100, mine's 134, but they aren't that strict on the limit, so I don't think that would be a big issue.
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Are there some portions of this essay that you somehow lifted directly or based upon the information coming from the MIT website? There are just some superficial portions that do not feel connected to the rest of the essay on a personal basis for you. Parts such as
Under the supervision of the world's greatest researchers and a great UROP faculty, students at MIT are given endless opportunities to build robots, designing video games, and make their own devices.
need to be reconsidered for rephrasing. You delivered a statement that offers an insight into what drew you to MIT overall. Which is a good fit for the 100 word response. While the university will not be strict with the word count, it is always best to try to come in exactly at or a little under the word count. The essay can be revised one more time, in relation to the quoted sentence from my end, then the grammar and sentence structure problems can be addressed in the creation of the final version.
Ever since I watched Steve Jobs' movie, I became so engrossed in these complex circuit boards that can make practically any device. So began my dreams of becoming an Electrical Engineer, where I would build my own. Many engineers I've met ever since cannot apply their college education into actually making things like devices, or programs. I began growing discouraged, and started thinking of other majors until I came across MIT's EECS program. I found a curriculum unlike most, that focuses not on just learning, but also on the application of algorithms and theories into making devices. I found students innovating video games, programs and robots. Ever since, I've been dreaming of being at such an environment, where I will be given these remarkable opportunities to get a hands-on experience.
I kind of mixed the first and second, what do you think? :D
I believe that the response statement that you wrote works quite well. Do you have a word limit on this essay? I am just wondering as to why you wrote a statement response instead of an essay. Are you within the word limitation? Regardless, the statement that you wrote is quite good and will work well in responding to the prompt. If you are also satisfied with the response that you wrote, then I guess now is as good a time as any to use the response :-)
Yes, the word limit is 100 words. Do you think it needs any kind of change to spice it up? Thank you so much for the insightful help!!!
Due to the current word limit, it is really going to be difficult to spice up the statement. These types of prompts really only require a single paragraph response which does not use too any background references nor creative words. You just have to simply state your reasons in the most informative and direct manner that you can. Hoping that you provide enough of a hook at the beginning through a single sentence, that will keep the admissions officer interested in reading the rest of the statement. It really sounds good enough to use. You have a number of other common app prompt essays to submit along with this one so there is no need to over concentrate on developing this one. This is just one of the many statements and essays that you are responding to as part of your written interview.