Prompt: Talk about a time when you thought it was the end of the world and what its impact on you has been
I am welcome to criticism and any grammatical errors. Thanks for reading!
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It was during the time of high school applications, not much different from what it's like now. I was applying to the TOPS magnet program and after gathering all of the required documents, after hours of studying and essay writing, I was finally ready for the big entrance exam. Still, to double check, I sat on the floor of my room going through my list of what to bring the next day:
Report card-check; extracurricular list - check; essay-check; calculator - check; pencils-check; teacher recommendations...
My heart started racing, each beat pushing against my chest. Where were they? I asked myself. Then I remembered: they were in my desk at school. The sheer size of my mistake knocked the breath out of me. I had always been careful, meticulous in everything I did. I wanted to seclude myself in my room. I wanted to be alone so no one would see how worthless and inadequate I was.
"Hurry up and rest for the exam," my parents shouted.
Just leave me alone. Maybe if I went to sleep it would all sort out in the morning.
I closed my eyes and drifted into something like sleep. I had a dream: I was 25 years old, unemployed, homeless and without a high school diploma. I sat alone on the sidewalk watching the people of the city stride back and forth, all of them with recommendation letters. I reached out to grab the ... then suddenly I felt like I was floating, drifting away from my spot on the sidewalk. My eyes darted open and I found myself balanced on the hind legs of my chair, about to fall over. My left arm shot out and grabbed onto the desk.
In that moment my mind achieved clarity. I forgot about the exam, the pressures of my life and even my own embarrassment. In that moment balanced on two thin wooden legs a breath away from collapse, I had a moment of epiphany. I saw the absurdity in my actions; I saw just how pointless it was to avoid a small ding in my pride, how insignificant it would be compared to a fulfilling future, to a good education.
I had to get those letters.
I immediately picked up the phonebook and flipped to my principle's last name. Vader...Valli... Vallance. I was glad to see only one name listed.
"Hello?"
"Mr. Vallance I left my recommendation letters in my desk at school and the exam is tomorrow!"
"No. Wait. Now? Jason, I am about to go to bed."
"Please sir, I just need to get into the school for my letters. Please!"
"I'm sorry but -"
I hung up the phone, about to throw my fist at the wall. The darkness of embarrassment began to wrap itself around me once again, but I knew better to just give this time. I grabbed my coat and went for the front door. I would break into the school. Then the phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Jason. I had to figure out who could open the door, but I'll meet you in 10 minutes."
I smiled and told him I would be there. At that moment I felt complete and in control. If he hadn't called me back who knows what I would have done. But that didn't matter. That night, I learned a little about the value of self reliance, about problem solving, about the authenticity of others, and, while I didn't realize it at the time, about life.
Bravo!
This is a very interesting story! You made it live and meaningful, overall, it's kind of exciting and make people nervous. but i guess it's not mentally challenging. all i see in this is how the action went, you did talk about your imagine the future and desperate. however, i suggest you focus more on that emotion throughout your essay. maybe that will be better.
angela
Place emphasis on how it affected you in the long run.
[Moved from]: Free Charity. Watching the faces of the needy light up is a best feeling we can probably experience
I'd recommend that you show more about how each of the people reacted to your approach. Make it seem more personal. It is a personal statement, after all.
With grammar:
I stood outside the food market where it operated and intercept strangers as they walked by
Actually, I'm getting rather confused at your verb tense. This is a event of the past, right? So I recommend you stick with past tense when you're talking about your volunteering experience.
Ah here comes another one.---can you make this more clear? Describe the scene.
also you should indent each time someone talks
I've re written much of the essay. Thanks for pointing out the errors, when i read it over again i felt the essay was really bad. Anyway here is my new version. If you or anyone else would care to take a look that would be great! Thanks
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Money! It jingles in our pockets and fills up our wallets. These perfectly sized rectangles and wonderfully weighed coins feel comfortable in our hands. They give us the power to buy whatever we want and that makes us happy.
What about charity? Ah charity! Giving to those in need, those less fortunate than us, what a wonderful sensation. Watching the faces of the needy light up is honestly the best feeling we can possibly have and it makes our hearts light with joy.
...
I've pretty much got rid of my old common app essay and took one of my other essays and changed it a bit. If someone could change the title to Recommendations instead of free charity that would be nice.
It was almost 11pm and the exam was to be given at 8am the next morning (a Saturday I might add).
How about a colon here:
Then I made the decision: I realized there were a lot of things more important than my own pride. I grabbed my coat and went for the front door, but then the phone rang.
Giving to those in need, those less fortunate than us -- what a wonderful sensation!
Or:
Such a wonderful sensation comes fro giving to those...
"Hurry up and rest for the exam," my parents shouted.
Hmmmm... I see that it asks you to "evaluate" the experience... I guess you should probably add some reflection.
Keep at it! You are great for being so diligent, revising and seeking input from us. Keep at it! Happy new year...
"Hurry up and rest for the exam," my parents shouted.
I guess I think that a bit more REFLECTION would be good. There is plenty of story, so now you need more reflection to go with it. Can you add to your intro paragraph and conclusion paragraph? Add thoughtful content to the beginning and the end.
Only your last paragraph has any thought about what you did... It is a captivating suspenseful story, but admissions officers do not really care about stories they want to know about your thought process. Try including more reflection and detail on how you process things or make decisions
Good Luck =]
I agree with EF_Kevin and sk8rgal666, you need more reflection. There are also comma issues, and try using advanced words since it's for MIT :)
"Vader...Valli... Vallance"
So... you flipped past your guy... then back? I don't know if it was intentional...
lol ok its fixed now. thanks
