MIT - the world I come from: tattoos, Carpediem, and freedom!

describe the world you come from? I think it's too general... I wrote it in 2 minutes literally I wrote it from 2:20 - 2:22AM (of today) well here goes!

My index finger gingerly follows the lines of beautiful brown ink ambigram tattooed upon my wrist: Carpediem.

I'm aware that I lead a suburban privileged life: I have food on the dinner table every night; I have a bed to sleep on; I have books to go to school; and I have family and friends that love me. Moreover, I have freedom which I prize above all else. I come from a world, a community, a school and a home where I'm given endless opportunities to determine my path and express myself: what club to join, what opinion to verbalize, what thoughts to write, what platform to protest, what candidate to vote for. Limitless. My prospects are limitless. With the power of boundless possibilities under my wings, my tattooed wrist constantly reminds me to never take my fortune for granted. Seize the day, and seize the opportunity of the infinite.

Now, I'm faced with a question; what college do I want to attend? I dream of going to a college where my liberty to choose is expanded, where the knowledge I attain opens the proverbial doors to unfathomed places, and unprecedented heights. I dream of a future where I can use my own talents to innovate and produce masterpieces to improve society. I envision a future, where I am the best version of myself that I can be. I believe MIT is the platform from which I can achieve my lofty goals. Seize the day. Seize the dream of MIT.

I'm not sure if semicolons are the best way to separate the list, but if you are going to use semicolons, you usually don't use a contraction. So I would suggest you change it to: "I have books to go to school; I have family and friends that love me."

More generally, I believe that it is unnecessary to discuss why you want to go to MIT for this prompt. This means I suggest you eliminate the last paragraph, though it is ultimately your decision. I think they simply want to know more about you. I would try to be more specific in your descriptions about your world and then generally show how it has affected you, your personality/values/aspirations, etc.

lapsi95 everything you wrote was correct. I was hoping that my two minutes of inspiration would suffice for my MIT essay. You know sometimes when you're so inspired that your first draft with corrections is awesome? I guess this was not the time. :) haha... back to the word processor

i really liked your figurative language
but just refering back to your prompt, i felt like what you were trying to say is all a little obscure.

Like you just said how Inverness is robotic, assimilated and flat, then in the next paragraph, you said how much you love Inverness because you can actually pause to smell the roses... this is a little contradicting

But overall, i like your creative approach to the prompt.
Keep up the work and good luck!

and if you have time, will you read mine?

I don't know if I would talk about the rest of the high school fated to attend the local community college. It could be taken as cocky or arrogant... I see how nothing else really fits in but that's just my opinin.

Wow. That was beautiful girl. Just touching. Good luck and hello MIT!

As much as I want to applaud on the usage of words, I didn't really see some of the words necessary to show the meaning that you want to give your readers. It SEEMED like you've used thesaurus, word after word. If not, I'm sorry for saying that. :)

Try to tone down on your vocabulary. The admission committee is probably familiar with most of the words, but I know that they are aware of students who use such words that actually uses the thesaurus or something like that. I'm really concerned with that because by that style of writing, it doesn't show the real you.

I like how you tied the end to the start of the response.
To be honest, I didn't really understand how your past shaped you. It seemed too abstract. Maybe it's just me, I don't know.

Take those as suggestions... things to consider. :)

If you've got time, I'd appreciate any feedbacks on mine.

But I would say that the whole community college thing could be put a little differently b/c thats the case with my school too but I wouldn't put it past me to say it bluntly.

WOW thanks guys for the C & C! I appreciate it all! I know what I'm going to be doing for the next 30 minutes or so, :).

I really do write like this :) haha! I guess I have to tone down language. Basically everyone gave me great advice but the thing is... i feel incompetent because I don't really know how to fix it! In layman's terms without my writing style incorporated this is what I want to say.

I come from a priveledged, dainty (if you will), utopian suburbia where everyone is the same. Yet I love the world I come from because there are two sides. The surface and the hidden beautiful environment. And basically my world has taught me to see beauty in unexpected places and embrace that. And ultimately in the future I want to carry this sentiment with me. I want to continue seeing beauty where people neglect to look.

Also... I'm crap at censoring my town. Haha! I bleeped it out then I totally used it later on :P.

EDIT --- I changed the things I knew how to change :)