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A moment of epiphany- Essay of my choice



trosky2000 3 / 7  
Dec 3, 2009   #1
I try to run my tongue over my lips one more time only to realize my mouth's run dry. My palms are wet. I feel a droplet of sweat trickle down my spine. I could here my heat beat in my ears. Yes, I'm nervous and this can't be happening to me.

After completing my high school I visited my sister who had given birth to her 2nd child and come Saturday morning we were off to church together. At their church a children's story is usually told before the main service. This ensures even the children are accommodated. Upon arrival, we were informed that the children's storyteller was ill and would not attend. As the assistant storyteller, my sister would have to fill in for her. However, after spending most of the whole night awake putting her baby to sleep she wasn't prepared to do this. As her only hope, she turned to me to help save the day.

"It's ten minutes till story time. What story will I tell?"
Tick tock tick tock. The hands of time faithfully move on.

Having been involved in student magazine in high school had written many short stories. I was fortunate to recall one. You can never second guess what life will throw at you next but it pays to always be prepared.

"It's time for the children's story," the church elder announced. I stood up and walked to the front to face a mosaic of unfamiliar faces.

"Hello my friends, today I will tell you a story about a little boy named Dan." The story began.

I remember how a bunch of innocent-looking faces looked enraptured at me. Little children are usually the victims of the get-it-over-and-done-with attitude but I believe the attention they pay deserves much more serious treatment. I recall so vividly how their eyes lit up. Their expressionless faces turned to radiant smiles that warmed my heart as I exclaimed hope in my story. At the beginning my heart had pounded as if it would beat out of my chest but now it assumed a much slower pace and I felt more at ease. I was to learn later that most of the children were orphans who were attending because it was a visiting day. The story came to an end and I sighed, "That wasn't so difficult after all."

As I walked out of church that day my mind was still on the children's story. To think devoting a couple of minutes telling a story had put a smile on these children faces was incomprehensible. This experience made me appreciate the many disadvantaged people who need someone to notice and appreciate them. Such an experience I consider priceless. And so goes the common saying: The best things in life are free. Just as I faced what I thought was a challenging and impromptu task, I am now ready to face unknown challenges in my future.

Mayada 6 / 74  
Dec 3, 2009   #2
here my heat beat in my ears. Yes, I'm nervous and this can't be happening to me.

hear*..
They are overused sentences anyways.. try to find a new way to express it..

appreciate the many disadvantaged people who need someone to notice and appreciate them

they need to be appreciated? don't they need care and attention..?

Just as I faced what I thought was a challenging and impromptu task, I am now ready to face unknown challenges in my future.

Cliché ending..

I don't know, it's a pretty nice story but I didn't quite feel it well.. if it's an admission essay, you should reflect it more on yourself.. The first paragraph is unneeded.. don't write "2nd", it's "second"..

I think you should narrate it from a different angle, maybe start the story from when you were called to tell the story to give the "impromptu" impression..
longyue 1 / 17  
Dec 3, 2009   #3
I think this one is a pretty good essay.

Anyway, I have one suggestion. You need to further emphasize the central point that your being able to send others happiness encourages you to face the challenges in the future. In addition, it's no need to describe so much background of the story. It's your logic and thought that most matter.

oh, and I think you don't need to write this sentence. It's redundant:
"And so goes the common saying: The best things in life are free."

Just my opinions.
Take whatever you want.
OP trosky2000 3 / 7  
Dec 11, 2009   #4
Thank you very much for your critique. Greatly appreciated!


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