This is a continuation of a previous thread titled Columbia University Essay. I was unaware of the rules for naming threads so it was deleted.
The ending is fairly awkward so any help with that would be appreciated.
Otherwise I am fairly content with my essay but welcome any constructive criticism.
Topic:
Write an essay which conveys to the reader a sense of who you are. Possible topics may include, but are not limited to, experiences which have shaped your life, the circumstances of your upbringing, your most meaningful intellectual achievement, the way you see the world - the people in it, events great and small, everyday life - or any personal theme which appeals to your imagination. Please remember that we are concerned not only with the substance of your prose but with your writing style as well. We prefer that you limit yourself to approximately 250-500 words (or 1-2 pages).
Essay (partially revised):
September 15, 2006. That day would be the turning point of my life. On that seemingly ordinary day, I returned home from school to discover both of my parents in tears. After much suspense, I was told that my father would soon lose his job and we would, in all probability, have to move to Indiana. This realization shook me. I could never move; New Jersey was the only home I had ever known. It was then, during one of my lowest times, that my mother gave me the simplest yet most useful advice I have ever received. She told me, "Nothing can ever change who you are. Always make the best out of a seemingly bad situation." It was not until I moved to Indiana that I realized how much wisdom this simple remark actually possessed.
For many weeks after moving, I did nothing but mope. I talked very little and did almost nothing but sit around my new house and feel sorry for myself. Suddenly, during another of my blandly miserable days, I remembered the long forgotten remark of my mother. Within the context of my state of mind, this simple statement gained profound meaning. The advice forced me to reevaluate how I had acted. Why should I let a relocation change who I was? Why should I dwell on something that I could not change? If I was miserable, why couldn't I make an effort to make things better? It was at that moment that I decided I would stop hiding from my fears and seek out new experiences that would make my life truly rewarding.
I no longer lived in New Jersey, so my initial goal was to make Indiana my new home. To achieve this, I began searching my school and community for many interesting people and activities. Although challenging, integration into this new community thrilled me. It did not take long for me to find fascinating individuals among the diverse group of people in my high school. I also decided that trying new things could be achieved by joining school clubs. The Robotics and Japanese Clubs were the two that I found the most appealing. Participation in both of these clubs gave me exclusive opportunities. After my robotics team won a local competition, I was given the chance to take part in a national competition in Atlanta, Georgia. Japanese Club presented me with the opportunity to host two foreign exchanges students. The customs and differences of these fascinating people gave me a remarkable experience that I will never forget.
I did not exclusively live in the moment, however. I knew that high school would end sooner than imaginable, so I planned extensively for the future. Believing school work to be the most definite way to improve my abilities, I focused heavily on it. While I had achieved a fulfilling and interactive social life, my school work - along with reading literature, my personal attempt at a greater understanding of the world - became a major part of my private life. My ensuing scholastic achievements can be traced solely to the enlightened words of my mother.
The ending is fairly awkward so any help with that would be appreciated.
Otherwise I am fairly content with my essay but welcome any constructive criticism.
Topic:
Write an essay which conveys to the reader a sense of who you are. Possible topics may include, but are not limited to, experiences which have shaped your life, the circumstances of your upbringing, your most meaningful intellectual achievement, the way you see the world - the people in it, events great and small, everyday life - or any personal theme which appeals to your imagination. Please remember that we are concerned not only with the substance of your prose but with your writing style as well. We prefer that you limit yourself to approximately 250-500 words (or 1-2 pages).
Essay (partially revised):
September 15, 2006. That day would be the turning point of my life. On that seemingly ordinary day, I returned home from school to discover both of my parents in tears. After much suspense, I was told that my father would soon lose his job and we would, in all probability, have to move to Indiana. This realization shook me. I could never move; New Jersey was the only home I had ever known. It was then, during one of my lowest times, that my mother gave me the simplest yet most useful advice I have ever received. She told me, "Nothing can ever change who you are. Always make the best out of a seemingly bad situation." It was not until I moved to Indiana that I realized how much wisdom this simple remark actually possessed.
For many weeks after moving, I did nothing but mope. I talked very little and did almost nothing but sit around my new house and feel sorry for myself. Suddenly, during another of my blandly miserable days, I remembered the long forgotten remark of my mother. Within the context of my state of mind, this simple statement gained profound meaning. The advice forced me to reevaluate how I had acted. Why should I let a relocation change who I was? Why should I dwell on something that I could not change? If I was miserable, why couldn't I make an effort to make things better? It was at that moment that I decided I would stop hiding from my fears and seek out new experiences that would make my life truly rewarding.
I no longer lived in New Jersey, so my initial goal was to make Indiana my new home. To achieve this, I began searching my school and community for many interesting people and activities. Although challenging, integration into this new community thrilled me. It did not take long for me to find fascinating individuals among the diverse group of people in my high school. I also decided that trying new things could be achieved by joining school clubs. The Robotics and Japanese Clubs were the two that I found the most appealing. Participation in both of these clubs gave me exclusive opportunities. After my robotics team won a local competition, I was given the chance to take part in a national competition in Atlanta, Georgia. Japanese Club presented me with the opportunity to host two foreign exchanges students. The customs and differences of these fascinating people gave me a remarkable experience that I will never forget.
I did not exclusively live in the moment, however. I knew that high school would end sooner than imaginable, so I planned extensively for the future. Believing school work to be the most definite way to improve my abilities, I focused heavily on it. While I had achieved a fulfilling and interactive social life, my school work - along with reading literature, my personal attempt at a greater understanding of the world - became a major part of my private life. My ensuing scholastic achievements can be traced solely to the enlightened words of my mother.