Prompt: Describe an event or someone influential who made a significant impact on you and shape the person you are today.
This is about my mom.
My mother is my courage, inspiration, and hero. The last few years have been like no other for me; both of my parents have been away from home. My mother crossing the country to care for her ailing mother, my father searching for a job. During this period, I had to grapple with independence.
I believe that independence is a good thing in life, but never did I have to actually commit to it; it had always been given to me by my parents, but now the course of independence was open for me to chart by myself. By the time high school had begun, I was on my own. Waking up on time for the bus was crucial because if I missed the bus, I did not have a way to get to school. In school, I was involved in sports and extracurricular activities, so balancing my schedule was important. I had to buy food with my money, which taught me the basic demands of economy. I also had no access to a car, so I had to bike or travel on foot to my destinations. These situations taught me not to loathe and fear responsibility, but to use it in a constructive manner.
Independence is a composite; it contains element of ease, but an element of struggle. I have learned that I can draw from struggle. My school work became burdensome and being alone had caused my focus to stray. I was frustrated that my parents were not there to support me; I did not understand my role in this. I became touchy. I isolated myself from society, which led to fights. I maintained this attitude for a couple of years, until people began to remark upon it, and I was forced to question myself. I realized I had changed, and not for the better. This process was time consuming, for me, self realization was hardly instantaneous. One day, my sister and I fought bitterly over something insignificant. In the aftermath, I tearfully regretted my mother's absence; she had always been a peacemaker between me and my sister. It came to me though, that my mother was not with us because she was fulfilling personal duties, I then reflected upon the nature of personal duties. My personal duty is not to abandon, but to pursue. It became clear to me that my parents did not abandon me or my sister, but they absented themselves in order to pursue personal duties as they understood, which meant to help the family.
Looking back on my mother, I can reinterpret the negatives; her preference is for home, her obligations place her elsewhere. I look back at my past and notice a scattering of regrets, but my mother has taught me one thing: we become manifestations of what we dwell upon; she wants me to have honest eyes for my past mistakes, but not to forge shackles from these mistakes. Yes, my mother is my hero, and I know I have chosen well.
As I emerge from my past, I carry with me newfound optimism, courage, and confidence; and as I travel, I am accompanied by my mother, no matter where she is. I gaze at the road ahead and welcome the journey.
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I wrote this with my teacher over the summer and we both really like it but after having a few other people read it, they didn't like it. They said it was trite and cliche. I know the intro and ending are cheesy, so what can i do to make it stand out? I really want to use this topic because it's really important to me. I feel like everytime i write something i really like, other people seem to not like it...i mean, it's their opinion, right? Any suggestions about the essay would truley help! Thanks!
The main problem for me is that I feel like there's not so much focus on your mother. You seem to focus on the independent journey that your took but YOU want to write about your mother so the essay ends up feeling kind of split. If anything, the second paragraph should come after the third in my opinion.
Describe your mom leaving and then talk about the effects it had on you.
My mother crossing the country to care for her ailing mother, my father searching for a job.
Comma splice right here.
@blackpixel
I was thinking about making a narrative intro, but would that mean i would have to make the entire essay a narrative style? For example, I was going to use something like, "My mother whispered into my ear, "Be strong. You can do it". As i looked back at my mother for the last time, i waved back as she boarded the airplane. I came home to silence...etc. etc.
I also thought about putting more detailed information like waking up to my mother's cooking in the morning, but now i wake to the sound of my monotonous alarm clock. Or how she always used to encourage me to take action if something bothered me, but now i had to depend on myself and she can't be here to say that. Would this be good information to add? Should i also add in specific events like a time i spoke to my mother is months over the phone and that is the only way to communicate with her?
Thanks in advance!
I don't think you need to make the whole essay a narrative if you make the intro a narrative. Just make sure you have a good transition between the narrative and non-narrative parts. And concerning the specific detail, only add it in if you plan to analyze it and show your independence or if it shows another aspect of you.
i think what your missing is exactly what you learned from your mother. you have to talk more about something she did that made you act a certain way in a specif situation. you talk about her in the beginning and end but the story takes a whole new path and it is solely about you. it is a very very good essay and your mother sounds like an amazing person, but it doesn't seem like she greatly impacted many of your decisions.
i would really like if you edited my essay!
Hi.
The grammar is perfect.
By the time high school had begun, I was on my own.
mmm, not sure how these are related to your essay. Did your mother influenced you? If yes you need to state it somewhere.
Personally I am a big fan of narrative, so I'd really like to see how it will turn out if you write narrative.
her preference is for home, her obligations place her elsewhere.
How did you know? show us.
Your mum is awesome.
G L~
