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"Being a Mother." - world you come from (family, community, school)



seulish 1 / 3  
Oct 22, 2010   #1
Hello :)
I need some feedback for my UC prompt #1. It's my first draft, and is very rough.
I really appreciate your help. Thank you!

Prompt #1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I am the mother of two children - not literally, of course. I mean I have two siblings of whom I play the role of a mother. I have a younger sister, now a junior, whom I still have to wake up every morning. And I have a baby brother, just turned one in this June, whom I have to chase after until the bed time. Out of many roles I play in my life, the role that has been most inspiring to me is that of an older sister, or a mother, to my siblings. This role is truly the one that has stimulated my interests to grow toward the medical careers in which I can practice a thorough motherly role.

When I and my sister Dominique came to live with our grandparents, she was three, and I was five. We were thrust into the situation we were not prepared for: living within the absence of a father and a mother. Our parents' divorce brought that much of the responsibility to take care of my younger sister, a task which was yet too burdensome to be dealt by a five year old. Since then, I was not only an older sister but also a mother. As Dominique entered school, I woke her up, dressed her up, and walked with her every morning. I always had an extra set of materials she might need in class, picked her up after school, and checked if she completed her homework every night. Every time I had to refuse my friends' offer to go outside and play because of Dominique who since then grew too strong attachment to me, I blamed my parents who had laid on my shoulder too much of obligation. It was a tiring job, I admit it. However, although it may seem unusual to hear, from some point of my life I began to take pride in the role as both a sister and a mother. I take pleasure of being accommodating, committed to helping others, and able to sympathize with others. I am now also aware that there is no reason to take the parents' divorce merely as a painful memory. I can take it as a valuable opportunity that has allowed me to grow into a more mature human being, and to discover my passion to pursue medical career that entails my motherliness.

It has now been more than ten years that I have taken the pleasure in playing such a role. Just as I slowly began to feel anxious of being taken away this thrilling role due to my father's new marriage, my step mother gave birth to my baby brother, Dan. Again, I am delighted to be given a chance to re-play the role I am proud of. I do not mind waking up Dominique every morning, or chasing after Dan until he falls asleep. They are more than welcome to.

dumi 1 / 6795  
Oct 22, 2010   #2
Hi,

It is quite an interesting story. I admire your spirit, courage and your positive attitude. As for the essay, I think you are in line with what is expected by the prompt. Good luck!!
OP seulish 1 / 3  
Oct 24, 2010   #3
Thank you!

Did you find any grammatical errors in the essay?
this essay is my first draft, so I did not really care about sentence structures or anything
so let me know if you find any errors! Thanks again!
dumi 1 / 6795  
Oct 24, 2010   #4
Hi,
I think it is well written. I'm not so great in grammer. However, just have a look at what I'm suggesting
;

I mean I have two siblings offor whom I play the role of a mother.

When I and my sister Dominique came to live with our grandparents, she was three, and I was five. We were thrust into thea situation for which we were not prepared for : living within the absence of a father and a motheraway from our parent's love and care . Our parents'Their divorce brought that much of the responsibilitydemanded me to take care of my youngerlittle sister, a task which was yet too burdensome to be dealt by a five year old. (I really like the way you express your ideas, it's quite touching; very nice)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Oct 26, 2010   #5
I am the mother of two children - not literally. of course. I mean I have two siblings of whom I play the role of a mother. ----It's better not to say of course, because some people your age are indeed mothers.

It was a tiring job; I admit it.

I take pleasure of being accommodating, committed to helping others, and able to sympathize with others. ---- This is very nicely written.

The ending is great, too. But I have a challenge for you. Try compounding the them by adding a paragraph about the way your strength as a maternal figure is going to help you be a top performer in your chosen professional field. I want a paragraph about the profession you are entering! It will be relevant to the essay if you talk about how these experiences prepare you for it.

:-)
OP seulish 1 / 3  
Oct 27, 2010   #6
I really thank you for all your heartful comments on my essay :))
Thank you dumi for your grammar corrections and kevin for recommending a paragraph on the profession Im planning to enter. These will greatly improve my essay !!

I will get my final draft done sometime this week
Thank you again a million times !
cbeangirl 1 / 2  
Nov 8, 2010   #7
"This role is truly the one that has stimulated my interests to grow toward the medical careers in which I can practice a thorough motherly role."

this sentence does not flow.. maybe you could say : This is why I have become very interested in pursuing a medical career through which I can act as a "mother" to people who need my help, just as I did for my siblings. ( or something similar to this...just a suggestion)

and the beginning of the second paragraph maybe you can change it to "when my sister and I "


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