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I MOVE/ U Penn/ Ben Franklin essay.



chillyp 4 / 9  
Dec 29, 2012   #1
Ben Franklin once said, 'All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move.'
Which are you? (Please answer in 300-500 words)


I've moved a number of times in my life so far. I moved from California to Taipei in the 4th grade then back to California in the 7th grade and finally back to Taipei again in the 9th grade. When I first moved to Taiwan I was immediately enrolled into a public school; faced with language barriers I struggled to find myself and get a grasp of the language. Being proactive, I sought help from teachers and never gave up despite continuous low grades in Chinese literature classes. I reached out to classmates for help and made new friends, many of whom I still talk to today. Displaying a relentless display of action and drive, I ended up becoming the class representative for two years in a row and was asked to translate songs from Chinese to English.

I still adopt this way of action today in my daily life. In school I "move" by asking about things that I am uncertain about. In sociology class last year I continually tried to connect what I had learned about gender roles to issues plaguing society. In government class I marvel at how the role of government has changed dramatically throughout history. And while others simply read and memorize, I analyze and hope to understand more through the writings of Thomas Paine and Alexis de Tocqueville.

When I started taking photography seriously I decided that it was time to become better. I asked around and was soon able to intern with a photojournalist at a well-known newspaper. During sophomore year I founded the photography club at school and still run it. And when I started needing money for additional equipment I decided to shoot portraits for clients and post samples of my work on an online photography portfolio. Besides photography, my interest in the yo-yo drove me to start a collaborative blog with my friend in California. And when I moved back to Taiwan I immediately searched and found a local yo-yo club to participate in. I started participating in competitions in Taipei and developed meaningful friendships. After the devastating tsunami that occurred in Japan I decided to raise money with the yo-yo through the online forums that I was involved with.

Although my life so far has certainly been an interesting and at times difficult one, I have learned to not be limited by the environment and rather take control of the situation by moving. Whether or not it has been promoting my liberal views in my conservative school or seeking to live an impactful life by volunteering to speak at leadership club weekly I strive to continue this mode of living life. I have learned to embrace movement.

ding377 1 / 29  
Dec 30, 2012   #2
Very good essay overall. One suggestion I have is to give more details in the 3rd paragraph. Rather than just listing several examples of how you move, pick one or two and go into more detail about them specifically. Good luck on the rest of your applications!

Would you mind looking at my essay too, please? Thanks!
OP chillyp 4 / 9  
Dec 30, 2012   #3
any other feedback? thanks.
rosieish 3 / 9  
Dec 30, 2012   #4
I actually think that is good to show all the activities rather than being specific to only one or two because all the activities show that you were and still are consistently moving, not only physically between place to place, but making progress in your interests and goals.

But I think the introduction paragraph is a bit weak and the introductory sentence is not well enough to grab readers' attention, try to have a more creative introductory sentence.


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