This is my U Penn Supplementary Essay. Let me know how it is please :)
Prompt: Ben Franklin once said, 'All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move.' Which are you?
Yesterday, I was a child. I was blind to the path laid out before me. I was immovable. Life could not hold sway over me; I was more stubborn than a giant sequoia and sturdier than a bomb shelter and as such, I could not adapt, could not learn to see. It was not for a long time that I began to understand that my roots need not hold so deep and that humility is a virtue.
Today, I am a student. I am a mind awaiting my molding. I am movable - albeit not freely so. I am not a pendulum, changing course with a mere blow of the wind. I am more like a pig seeking the carrot that dangles before him on a fishing rod. I surprise all with my swift speed but the carrot always remains a snout's length away. I am humbled by those wiser than I and entrust the fishing rod to them - my teachers, parents and mentors and pray that they will lead me down a good path.
Tomorrow, I will reach the carrot. I will catch it in my mouth and eat it. I will consume the carrot and with it, all the knowledge, wisdom and virtues of my path. Tomorrow, I will move. I will shake the greatest sequoia the world has seen and make the world's strongest bomb shelters tremble beneath my feet. The world will know of Gustavo, the maestro, the leader, the teacher. No longer will I be a pig being led down a path by those wiser than I. I must be the wise, and find my own little pig to lead. Someday.
I do not force upon you the details of my path, as you are already burdened with numerous documents recounting its tale. I speak to you instead from the heart, and hope that you see within me what I know I can provide.
If you are going to incorporate the idea of the carrot, you have to begin from the immovable stage. Without mentioning it in that stage, the carrot idea does not work.
Plus, your parallel does not stand for "those that move" as for the first two, you said that you were a kid and a student but the last one, you did not use a noun but rather said you will "reach the carrot".
Do not use you. This is a formal essay.
