Moving to America and getting more freedom

Please suggest anything that can make this essay better.

I grew up in small village in India until I was twelve years old. I was a different person in India than I am today. In India, I did not get as much freedom as my brother. I was a quiet person who never stepped up for myself. I did not talk a lot because of my shy personality. I was really close to my dad's side of family. However, I spent my childhood there. My childhood included of playing outside with my friends. I was able to celebrate all festivals in India. I never imagined how my life was going to change just in a couple of days.

On January 27, 2011, my family and I first stepped into America. It was the biggest change of my life. It was the first time I had seen snow. I felt like I was in a different world. In the beginning, I lived with my mom's side of family. Living with my cousins felt like I gained two more siblings. My extended family was always there help my family out with everything. My parents had an easy access to job with my family's help. I did not speak English at all when I first started sixth grade in Springfield, New Jersey. I was surround by a different culture. After getting used to America, I made diverse friends. I lived in Springfield until my junior year of high school. I was really used to living in Springfield by than.

The thought of moving to a new place never crossed my mind until my parents decided we were moving to South Carolina before my senior year of high school. That was a shock to me. I did not know anyone there. As the elder child, I had to help my parents with this move. My parents did not speak English. I helped them with things such as renting an apartment, and helping them with job interview. My extended family was not here to help us out. I felt proud of myself because I was able to help my parents.

Would have I been the same if I still lived in India? Definitely, not. If I lived in India, I would have never had the freedom I have today. I never would have had the responsibility of helping out my parents. Despite the fact that I still miss my family and friends, I feel mature after having to take many responsibilities. I feel happy to break the stereotype between a girl and a guy that I lived with in India.

Your English is very good. You focused in detail on America, your new home country. However, you should probably devote a big paragraph on your former country, ie. India. You may answer questions, like why India is what it is, why it's eaten by the cancer of fraud, deception, and corruption, and why you are against all that. And that you pledge to never allow the same kind of people who currently run India to be part of your new home country.

I'm not sure what you mean to explain based upon the title of your essay. The title gives the implication that you were restricted in movement and freedom in India. The restrictions that held you back were not related at all in the essay aside from you saying that your brother had more freedom than you did. What restrictions were these? The essay could be improved, based upon the title, if you explained what the restrictions upon you were in the first two paragraphs of the essay. Then, you could have done a comparison of those restrictions compared to the implied freedom that you enjoyed in America. Right now, you clearly explain your freedom in the new country, but did not really explain why you felt that you were experiencing freedom when compared to your previous life. For example, you can say, "As a woman growing up in India, I was not allowed to..." then compare it by saying, "However, when I came to the United States, I found that this was an acceptable behavior because..." The closing statement is quite strong and compelling. I believe that, with proper editing, it could be the strongest way to close your discussion.

Hi Janki, First of all, WELCOME to the Forum, you're yet another member that will definitely shape this forum and here on EF, we aim at providing you with the most credible and objective feedback that will hopefully enhance your writing project and strengthen the essay prior to submission.

Having sais that, as I go through your essay, I can't help but notice that there is no prompt that will guide the review, what I'm trying to say is, we as reviewers will not be able to see it this essay answers the prompt properly or if it has the right approach to the prompt tasked for you to do.

However, in an overall perspective, you have written a well managed essay, you made sure that the words you choose in your sentences are very simple, common to the reading public and more importantly, it is very easy to comprehend.

Now, I would wait for you to respond to this post and include the prompt so we can create a more comprehensive review.

This is the prompt I am writing.
Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.