Hi! Can someone proofread my essay for any grammatical errors and possibly give me general insights? It's also a bit on the long side of 800 words, so I was wondering if there's anything I could possibly take out. Thanks, any help would be greatly appreciated :)
The prompt is: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Ba-dump. That was the beating of my uneasy heart as we drove out of my hometown for one last time. As I glanced out the window, I saw my elementary school, the park, and the city lights. They all became a blurry scene that passed by me at the speed of light. Tears welled up in my eyes, but I refused to blink because I didn't want to miss this precious moment. I incessantly begged my parents to stay, but we moved nevertheless. I always preferred the familiarity of an environment and I wasn't ready to leave my hometown. Thoughts of uneasiness clouded my mind. Little did I know, my new town would change me in a way I would have never anticipated.
A sign that read "Entering Westford" caught my attention as we entered my new town. The scenery was completely different. There were no parks, not many sidewalks or lights; the town was mostly filled with grass. Houses were not in proximity; rather they were separated by vast land. Little changes like that got to me. Since I came from a populated city, moving to the suburbs was a difficult transition for me. My new home didn't feel like home at all; it felt like an estranged place.
The long awaited day that I dreaded arrived: My first day of school. My new school was surprisingly small, but consisted of four hundred students, about four times as many students as my previous class. I walked into my class anxiously and watched as jubilant kids gathered to discuss their summers. At the bottom of my heart, I wanted to join in, but was hesitant to fearing they would not accept me. The class suddenly became silent as my teacher introduced me and I was met with unfamiliar eyes. Though I wasn't excited about my other classes, I looked forward to my math class. I was automatically placed in the accelerated math course for my high scores in my prior math class. I was always one of the top students in my math class. My uplifting thought ended when my teacher handed us a pop quiz. My classmates finished within a few minutes while I sat there staring blankly at the paper. I came to a shocking realization; I had never learned the material before.
It didn't take me long to realize that the expectations in my classes were higher than the ones in my previous school. I began to work harder, spending twice the amount of time my classmates spent on their work. Academically, I started to improve, but also as a person I became more independent. I became involved in my school community and joined several extracurricular, making new friends. And suddenly, before I knew it, I started to accept my new town. Friends I only knew for a few months became like family to me. I was fortunate to be welcomed by kind people who were willing to help me. It took me a while to adapt to my new environment, but when I did I used it as an advantage. The quiet environment allowed me to focus on my studies and yet still have time to spend my time leisurely. I was finally able to call Westford my home.
Just a few months ago, I passed by my elementary school. Six years ago, I stood at the same exact spot, but the outlook was different. The school that had monstrous hallways seemed small now. I realized that the school never got any smaller, but it was simply me who had grown. I glanced around at the place I couldn't bear leaving. A feeling of nostalgia rushed up. I felt as if the little girl inside me had finally let go. As I walked around the playground, I noticed that the old, rusty swing set I loved playing on got replaced by a new one. I smiled to myself and realized that I wasn't the only one who has transformed.
Moving to a new town gave me a new perspective in life. Though I often thought negatively of new situations, I have been optimistic about change since my experience. It certainly brought me closer to finding out who I really am. My transformation from a naïve girl to a mature adolescent is proof of that. In a new surrounding, I was forced to adjust and make the most of what I had. I didn't let fear take control of my life and instead turned an unfamiliar situation into an opportunity to strengthen myself. Now I'm braced for any situation. Regardless on where I am heading, I'll always accept the changes it brings. Once again, I will be faced with an unfamiliar environment, college, but this time I'll embrace my new surroundings with open arms seizing every opportunity there is and making the best of what it has to offer.
I liked this essay. It kept my attention and was easy to understand, which is definently good. A few suggestions:
"I became involved in my school community and joined several extracurricular, making new friends."
-It might sound better if you said extracurricular activities
"And suddenly, before I knew it, I started to accept my new town."
-Kind of redundant, you might want to go with just "Before I knew it, I started to accept my new town."
"Just a few months ago, I passed by my elementary school. Six years ago, I stood at the same exact spot, but the outlook was different."
-This wording is a little confusing. I suggest "A few months ago I saw my elementary school, but this time with a new outlook than six years ago." or "...but I this time with a different outlook than six years ago."
"I realized that the school never got any smaller, but it was simply me who had grown."
-A little wordy, you might consider "I realized that the school wasn't smaller, it was me that had grown."
i think you wrote a really good essay. it doesn't bore the reader at all. good work :)
"but was hesitant, fearing they would not accept me. The class suddenly became silent as my teacher introduced me and I was met with unfamiliar eyes. "
-I sense the need for a transition here. Or you should elaborate more about this experience.
You could talk about the unwelcomeness you felt from the rest of the classes and then say how you felt more at ease once in your math classes.
"Though I wasn't excited about my other classes, I looked forward to my math class. I was automatically placed in the accelerated math course for my high scores in my prior math class."
A really good essay even thought I can't point out any errors but just taking the time to read it I learned a lot out of your essay . good job
Houses were not in proximity to one another ; rather, they were separated by vast land.
My new school was surprisingly small, but it consisted of four hundred students, about four times as many students as my previous class. I walked into my class anxiously and watched as jubilant kids gathered to discuss their summers. At the bottom of my heart, I wanted to join in, but was hesitant, fearing that they would not accept me.
No real errors, just minor stuff. As for taking out some parts... I guess you have to decide about the elimination just like they do on that show, Survivor. Which sentences have to go? Stephen King calls this process "killing your darlings," because you never want to take out what you have written. Instead of cutting parts out, try saying the same things in fewer words. Good luck!!
Thanks for your insights and corrections guys, it really helped! :)
