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"Moving on" - impact on my life UF essay :)

acat6332 4 / 12  
Oct 30, 2009   #1
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

- please this essay is due the day after tomorrow, i really really really need help if you want you can just destroy it and built it all over again i dont really care i just need a lot of help and fassttttt

Moving on, this simple term is defined as the ability of an individual to leave and let go, forgive and forget. But why is that necessary? Why should I be asked to let go of something so dear to me? The line that connects the events of my life has helped me in becoming the person that I am today: an opinionated young woman who stands on her own two feet. I was a twelve year old student at Colegio Agustiniano Cristo Rey on the verge of adolescence. I had no choice but to leave my country. I loved my family and friends and would miss them dearly. At the time, I thought moving on was an impossible task.

As I got off the airplane I realized what I was getting into, the people around me were speaking a language I didn't understand. The heat surrounding me was ceaseless and suffocating, my eyes were watery from leaving my home, and my stomach was craving an arepita con queso like the ones my grandmother used to make. I was lost and didn't want to be here. I missed my family and friends. And it was then that I got to asking myself: where do I belong?

Answering that question was probably the hardest part of my adolescence. I felt that I didn't belong in Venezuela because I wasn't there. I also felt that I didn't belong in Weston because I didn't know much about the United States or have much in common with the people I encountered. These facts destroyed any vestiges I had of knowing who I was, the "what ifs" of my past circled around my head.

In time I learned the phrase: "When life gives you lemons you make lemonade" perfectly described how I felt. Once I am out of my country of origin I become a person of the world rather than an inhabitant of just one place. I saw situations and circumstances with a different perspective and attained a wisdom that was beyond my years. I stopped being part of just one culture. I became an open book that people could color in, draw inside and out the lines. I became a mixture of cultures. I realized that there was nothing more exciting than experiencing, that rush you get when your comfort zone is completely destroyed. I want to find that place when a human being is capable of traveling and living.

I realized that I was fascinated with minds and cultures. This experience made me realize that I want to major in social sciences. I want to deeply scrutinize the human brain, learn its oddities and differences. I want to learn from people and enjoy each and every personality I meet. These are my hopes for UF, to build a foundation for the future where I can investigate humanity's past, present, and future pecularities.
Lyss 1 / 6  
Oct 30, 2009   #2
I like the topic that you're going with (experiencing a new land, applying that to your UF experience), but I think it needs to be expressed more clearly (after a few punctuation corrections and sentences written differently, more coherently, I think your idea will be crystal clear).

But I like your topic, it's very unique, and it helps to apply your past experience to your, hopefully, future experience at UF.

Best of luck!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 1, 2009   #3
I think you should use " " marks and reword like this:

"Moving on" is a term that is understood to refer to the act of...

You should start a new paragraph with the sentence, "I was a twelve year-old..."

When you do that paragraph break, your first para will seem very short. It will need one more sentence added -- one that explains the main idea of the essay... the moral of the story.

As it is now, you do a paragraph break after "impossible task" but it is not necessary to do a break there.

the "what if" questions of my past...

Okay, yes, I think the last sentence of your first paragraph should tell the reader that the process of leaving your comfort zone made you realize that you are interested in psychology and culture. That is impressive. You should also make room to elaborate, and tell the reader about specific classes you want to take and specific goals you have developed.

In that last paragraph, you use "realize" twice, too close together. Use a different word or term..like, I gained the insight that...

Good luck!!!!!!!!!

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